#From The Death of Love: I Hate Liars

26 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

vale heath
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My eyes
cannot see
your lies.

Everything you've spewed out up until now,
I allowed them to sweep me away
assuming,
believing,
trusting,
that you were brushing me
gracefully into your arms,
only to fall,
sink,
deep into a hole, null and void of the
you
I’ve felt
in my chest,
on my skin,
with my soul.

You’ve quaked my heart,
trembling, shuddering, breaking it apart
like a parasite
taking root into the bare ground,
churning muscle and
bursting
blood vessels.

And I lay on our bed
bleeding out
while your roots continue to grow
digging deeper,
deeper,
into me.

I've sung all of your best hits,
carried all your heaviest burdens.
Weighed down but
floating
on cloud nine.

So tell me all your greatest lies
Or don’t.
I’ll believe them all anyways.

Part of the collab I'm doing (about, you guessed it, the death of love -- still open to collaborators!)
I'm not quite certain on the title - I'd love suggestions
Please give me some criticism and feedback, feels like its not enough 🤧
Also would love to see interpretations -- they really help me understand if I've conveyed my message well!

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@weary wasp @shut sentinel @crude pike @crisp bay @fervent pike

noble brook
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This can be called pretty brilliant ngl 🎀✨

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Good tho

winged hearth
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I think this is good! I think however you maybe could’ve done more with the lying side of the poem. Being deceived is such a powerful emotion and it can be hard to convey that, but I’m picking up less on your intention (hating liars) and it kind of comes off in some parts as a cliche ‘I hate my past lover’ poem. Love poetry comes in the HUNDREDS and I think it’s important when making it to find areas to distinguish yourself. Hopefully that makes sense, I’m pretty new to this discord and giving analysis on poems lol but other than that I loved it and did think it was V Good.

cerulean pineBOT
vale heath
vale heath
winged hearth
# vale heath hmm, could you tell me what parts you thought were cliche? i cant really catch i...

I completely get that. I often find the best poems I write are when I’ve written a good foundation/draft and add on the themes to give it more depth. E.G word choice in certain areas or structure. The first two stanzas are fairly broken up and move slowly, yet everything else seems to have a different structure. This could be good, however the language in your poem doesn’t take a change aswell. If you want to use two different structures, maybe have two different sides of someone’s response to being lied to provide some depth and development. I hope my criticism doesn’t come off as harsh, though! You’re clearly a very strong writer 🙂

acoustic palm
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These are the parts I really liked:

“taking root into the bare ground,
Churning muscle and
Bursting
Blood vessels.”

The way it’s fractured means that an otherwise simple phrase is sort of read as separate events, like having bustering appear in it’s own line sort of breaks up the more visceral descriptions and makes it feel more emotional rather than physical.

I would say try to be more careful otherwise with repeating poetry clichés unless you absolutely have to or you feel like you’re able to do something unique with it. For example, “floating — on cloud nine.” Could be replaced with something more novel to really tie the stanza together and make it yours. Personally I think if you used more visceral language to describe the experience like you did before it would sort of add a really nice personal stamp to an otherwise universal feeling/experience. I have also found personally when trying to convey that sort of empty/dissociative feeling that using more dream-like/abstract language really really works well.

cerulean pineBOT
vale heath
vale heath
winged hearth
crude pike
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hello

crude pike
vale heath
cerulean pineBOT
vale heath
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perhaps i dont read that much poetry

crude pike
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yeah but cannot is still kind of plain...

vale heath
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well i did sorta wanted to build tension, and i think the word 'unable' wouldn't let the poem flow as well

weary wasp
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Ouu I really felt the raw emotion in this, NoizeLoves there’s something haunting about the root and parasite imagery, especially when you describe bleeding out on the bed while they keep digging deeper into you. It’s vivid and painful in a good way. But if I will say something, the opening lines, “My eyes cannot see your lies,” felt a bit too familiar, like I’ve heard it before, and I think you could start stronger, maybe jump right into the falling or the roots to pull the reader in faster. Some lines, like “assuming, believing, trusting,” could also be sharper, right now they feel a little repetitive without adding much, but I know it’s in the beginning stages so I’m excited to see the full piece rainapproves

To me, this poem is about being trapped in a love you know is toxic, but you let it consume you anyway because the pain feels safer than being alone. It’s about betrayal, but also how we sometimes help in our own undoing, is that what you were going for ?

vale heath
# weary wasp Ouu I really felt the raw emotion in this, <:NoizeLoves:1219724877641285714> the...

your feedback does not disappoint SobbinTheLanaDelReyOut
yes, i've taken note that my first stanze and my repeat of the words aren't doin much, so I'll definitely change that a bit
thank you for telling me bout our interpretation though, I was going for betrayal! but i wasn't as much focused on being trapped in love, but more like being lied to and therefore falling into the illusion of 'love'
the love described here isn't love -- it was just something that ended up hurting the speaker (if that makes sense) and now the speaker is bleeding out, heart broken

weary wasp
vale heath
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i might do smth with that hehe