The Ooze

[stoic vale]

the pain comes in many forms
like this intrusive black ooze
In the center of the chest, crushes everything

It gets into the organs and compresses them
It reaches down my throat and lets me choke
It brings anxiety and struggle to breathe

The eyes want to cry desperate tears
The body is constantly moving, rebelling
The mind thinks without ever stopping

in the end the ooze takes over my body
And I helpless, listen to its silent wailing
Which sounds in sync with mine

For this slimy creature is produced by me
daughter of my great weaknesses
Witness of the endless disappointments

My hand trembles, I write with difficulty
But only then can I try to drive her out
Even if she won't leave

Never...

@vestal sinew

@upper lotus

<@&1145760802666717234>

@mystic condor

@ocean rivet

@winged rock

@sinful adder

@severe linden

[astral plinth]

The “never”and the ellipsis is just THE cherry on top

[stoic vale]

thanks

[winged rock]

Metaphor

[stoic vale]

?

[winged rock]

brain trying to formulate words, I will say tho that I love this poem

but I wanna give a bit more than just "I love this poem"

[stoic vale]

Yeah pls

A good analysis is always better than that❤️

[winged rock]

Imma do some and comment fully, once its fully formulated (as in once my analysis is fully formulated)

just checking is this 6 or 7 stanzas?

cuz the "Never..." doesn't appear to be apart of the 6th stanza but since its one word I'm curious

[stoic vale]

it is a part of the 6th that is detached cause that "Never" needs to echo alone to erase all the noise i made before

[winged rock]

👍

ty

[stoic vale]

it needs to stay there

[winged rock]

that context will very much help with the analysis

using all my GCSE English Literature skills for this

[stoic vale]

@ionic spoke

[winged rock]

I shall give you analysis, no matter how long it takes

I have the first paragraph of it done but might need to tweak it

[stoic vale]

Take your time

[winged rock]

at the 4th stanza

so 3 more stanzas to go

[stoic vale]

@winged rock
you good?

[winged rock]

yep

659 words currently

nearly done

[stoic vale]

Okay

[queen vault]

its a good one. Short and crisp.
What do you mean by "body is constantly moving" btw
and at the end, is "never" implying that it will never leave you?

[stoic vale]

When i feel this kind of things my body just costantly moves especially the bottom part

it's the stress/the anxiety i guess

also yeah that never is implying that

[queen vault]

oh

[stoic vale]

Pretty annoying

[queen vault]

are you talking about the leg movement

[queen vault]

hmm
Could phrase it slightly better for better flow

[stoic vale]

yes

[queen vault]

ah yeah can be annoying

take care brother

[stoic vale]

I wanted the "Never" to be alone
so it could echo differently from anything else
like a hope that is lost by one single thing

[stoic vale]

thanks

[queen vault]

🫂

[queen vault]

yeah that can be done. But you can try ending the stanza before it differently

[stoic vale]

maybe yeah

[queen vault]

try some variations

you'll understand

good poem once again!

[stoic vale]

Thank you brother

[winged rock]

I think

I am done

[queen vault]

would you like to read mine

[queen vault]

with what

[winged rock]

876 words

[winged rock]

analysis

the conclusion could be a bit better but I got stuck and couldn't think of any other way to word it

now I needa find a way to send this without flooding the entire comment section area

[queen vault]

you wrote a

876 words analysis?

[winged rock]

yup

[queen vault]

damn

appreciate the efforts

[winged rock]

took about 2 hours and 20 minutes

[queen vault]

🙆‍♂️🙆‍♂️

the

dedication bro

respect

[winged rock]

@stoic vale do you know how I could send this without destroying the commenting section thing?

[stoic vale]

word file?

[winged rock]

like a pdf file or word doc?

wait u just said word file I'm being dum T_T

[stoic vale]

dw

Waiting for your long and dedicated review ❤️

[queen vault]

can you read mine until then XD

[stoic vale]

alr did

[queen vault]

oh damn

how was it

[stoic vale]

you mean lilies of blood?

@winged rock you sending the word?

[winged rock]

sending via google docs

[queen vault]

yep

[winged rock]

Hiro can I send it in chunks via dm, link stuff is not working

[stoic vale]

okke

[winged rock]

ty 🙏

[marble nymph]

The poem described the detailed characteristics of pain
using loads of images

beautiful word chosen!

it worth a 96/100

[stoic vale]

Thanks!💙

[sinful adder]

Whoaaaa “Daughter of my great weaknesses”

The final stanza

Its like a panic

A plea

The entire poem its a lament of how weak the feelings can be

[lusty brook]

*The entire poem

its a lament of how weak

the feelings can be*

- besourao

[sinful adder]

And how it can destroy you

I love

LOVE

IT

[stoic vale]

Oh yeah you are totally right
this describes a panic attack with this ooze i usually feel in mu troath, in my chest

[sinful adder]

I COULD FEEL IT

[stoic vale]

This right here is a thing i've experienced

[sinful adder]

I LOVE YOUR POEM BRO!!!

[stoic vale]

Thanks
this means a lot rico

[sinful adder]

Ooooow its that why its so real

Im sorry bro i hope you feel better now

[stoic vale]

yea

I am thanks
i'm healing

[sinful adder]

Goood good

Good job bro!

[tropic echo]

this is amazing

[stoic vale]

Oh in what way?

[tropic echo]

the way that you convey it, trying to drive the "ooze" out but it doesnt leave, i feel like its when you try to force yourself to heal from something

[stoic vale]

That could be true yeah

[stoic vale]

but Reality sometimes
is even more harsh than the metaphor we use to describe it

my lines are the truth i use to communicate with the world
to communicate what they made
they made me
and i am their product
so my poems sometimes
are mirrors where you can picture yourself
or a distorted version of yourself
@tropic echo

[tropic echo]

true