#I'm on my knees / Mateo

9 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

lavish salmon
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Deeply infatuated with a movie star,
hopelessly devoted to your mind from afar.
Waiting for the day I become more than a light-
When will I be the sun that shines your every night?

In need of a map that guides me through your passions.
Your interest for me it’s given in rations;
a glance here, a flirty text there, enough to tease-
But please, my sweet queen, don't you see I'm on my knees…

You say you've been dealing with some of your old dust,
but I know you are still flirty; you miss the lust.
Act like it's casual, I see the flame in you.
I know you see my tries without a single clue.

A week without you seems to be my biggest ache.
I plead, that all this isn't fake, at least for my sake-
Because you know I'll bite into your every crumb,
until every part of me feels calm and so numb.

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@misty cradle @full roost @ruby stirrup @alpine siren and @gentle temple. Read the other poem that pairs with this one also: #1362493132754780471 !

indigo epoch
lavish salmon
nimble brook
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So this is pretty good and I like a lot of the rhymes; my one exception is that some feel a little forced or don’t seem roll off to roll off my tongue as well as others. I also agree with the previous comment it tells Very good story

lavish salmon
gentle temple
# lavish salmon Thank you for reading!! What rhymes feel forced to you? I'm not a native speaker...

Hola @lavish salmon a pleasure always to see you at it. "What rhymes feel forced to you?" Hmm. I remember reading advice to read a rhymed poem, but only to read the rhymed words, to see if they make some kind of arc even devoid of the lines that give them their setting. Here are your rhymed pairs: "star, afar, light, night, passions, rations, tease, knees, dust, lust, you, clue, ache, sake, crumb, numb." Even without reading the poem, I think a reader can sense the words of "passions, star, ache, lust" and the contrasting words of "afar, rations, tease, dust, crumb, numb." They do make an arc, I think, so I don't know if it is rhymes that feel "forced" to me. What may be happening is that the lines leading up to the rhymes don't run smoothly up to each word. For example: "Your interest for me it's given in rations." (I imagine the "it's" is a typo and could be "is" but I'll leave it as you wrote it.) Rations is a somewhat military or war term—rations of eggs, meat, cheese but little in the line prepares us for that military-ish word, and the theme of privation (watch that word) comes up with "a glance here, a flirty text there" but that's the result of a whimsical and possibly cruel lover, rather than a rational (see that word) force conserving itself for a battle ahead.

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Then thinking about that, and going back to the word "passions," the rhyme that suggests itself to my mind is not "rations" but in fact "fashions"—which suggests more of the whimsical, arbitrary, and less of the wartime rational privations. Even if you decide to keep everything as is, I hope that gives you a way to look at your poems and those of others too. Well done! Always a pleasure to read your stuff.

lavish salmon