#The Journey of Mevrouw Annelies to the Netherlands

34 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

upbeat olive
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THE JOURNEY OF MEVROUW ANNELIES TO THE NETHERLANDS

-# in Indonesian: Perjalanan Mevrouw Annelies ke Nederland

For Pramoedya Ananta Toer

I understand, Mevrouw, for I'm you. 

I long to rope with me, 
joke around, dance unbound, together, no frown, 
those that are chopped-mutilated by while, 
eaten like Kronos's kids by time. 

The further you are from the East Indies, 
the pain within deepens. 
The more you leave Minke behind, 
the harder your feeling calcified. 
Until it became stone
and you die, sad and alone. 
And you leave your Minke
and Ontosoroh in tristesse. 

You're the result of the misguidance of the zeitgeist. 
You're the unwanted child of kindness and cruelty. 
You're the Elise in Nohr, you're the laughter in a funeral. 
You're the unstill kid in the embrace of stupidity. 
If I were married by Minke, 
I'll reject outright that entente cruise! 
Panji only annoyed me, 
whilst I'm not ready to switch tempe with latte. 
So be my thoughts, dear Mevrouw, 
if I'm now just a juffrouw, 
I'll shout until my voice wore out. 
I'll fight through my husband if I'm a Mevrouw. 
And I shall turn all to dust, nothing, 
all baits of rage with my writing, 
I'll turn all to mine, 
dear Time, and I'll kiss them like I'm bullied in Buru Island. 

I said goodbye
to bodies headless, 
martyrs who with no gains
fought the clock of the sublime. 
I said goodbye to myself, 
to not-myself, to myself transposed, to my anti-self. 
I leave them to rot odour
and epoch until it became épousseter. 

And you, Mevrouw, should let go and say goodbye, 
to Minke, to an Independent East Indies, and to you alone. 
Farewell, o coquette Mevrouw!
See you soon in another context unbound! 

Farewell, dear Mevrouw Annelies. 
No, dammit, don't shed tears; 

for my ink weeps for you.```

-||Muhammad Naufal Afif||, Orbital Dago, 7-4-2025, edited in Kedai Koboi 7-4-2025, self-translated 7-4-2025
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@rapid fox

@flat oyster

@pure badge

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@hardy linden

@bronze crypt

@turbid oak

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@coarse glen

@ripe saffron

@rapid fog

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@fluid harness

@devout dagger

@hollow goblet

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@waxen wasp

@ebon surge

@gaunt sparrow

upbeat olive
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@faint jasper

ebon surge
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I am still missing context. But the notion of people who were borned and raised in Indonesia having to leave it behind and missing it so, that's one I've sensed in my culture, it's a generation now almost passed away. But the middle stanzas elude me.

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https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tonke_Dragt is a children's book author I grew up with, she passed away last year in her 90s and grew up in Indonesia. Not that there's much overt about Indonesia in her writings, but unlike most Dutch authors at the time she liked to write fantasy and science fiction which I appreciated.

Tonke Dragt

Antonia "Tonke" Johanna Dragt (Dutch pronunciation: [ˈtɔŋkə ˈdrɑxt]; 12 November 1930 – 12 July 2024) was a Dutch writer and illustrator of children's literature. Her book De brief voor de koning was chosen by CPNB as the best Dutch youth book of the latter half of the twentieth century.

tall needle
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Ooooo this is tasty. The rhyme scheme and refraining sent me into a zigzag. Lots of diversity in technical phonetics here. I don't understand the story of them but looking at it from an aesthetic point of view I can offer feedback. Truly it's a work of art that sings bold and strikes like a lash of wet silk against a sunburnt boil on the behind of a butthurt yet but quite bitter ex-bestie.

My critique: some grammar ugliness that I would personally adjust—

Your line:
"those that are chopped-mutilated by while eaten like Kronos' kids by time"

My suggest:
those who are chopped—mutilated—
all-the-while eaten like Kronos'
kids by temporal teeth

Your line:
"the harder your feeling calcified.
Until it became stone"

My suggest:
the harder you calcify,
Until you turn to stone

Also, "the result of the misguidance of the zeitgeist" is a clever play here, though I feel like a rephrasing would do this like better justice. I haven't any suggestions for that, just noticed the bleghh I felt when I saw the double "of".

P.S. I like the ending lines:
"Farewell, dear Mevrouw Annelies.
No, dammit, don't shed tears;

for my ink weeps for you."

It's a tender inversion to the grit that carries the poem. Nice.

upbeat olive
tall needle
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Like I said the context is lost to me so my suggestions may be entirely unfounded

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But phonetics is my forté and this is vortex of vowels

ebon surge
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oh yes I haven't attempted giving feedback on the language! I admire your attempts to write in English and translate to it @upbeat olive and there's a sense of the different that carries across, but it's also a challenge, because poetry depends so much on subtlety of meaning and it's hard to gain that sense in a second language.

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(or third, or however many languages you speak)

upbeat olive
ebon surge
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English is my second language, but Dutch is closely related and I've been reading and writing English for, um, quite a few decades by now.

mighty crescent
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@upbeat olive beautifully written in bahasa, but in English i agree with vortex. Need a bit of polishing but overall i enjoy both of the languages

upbeat olive
ebon surge
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"Annelies" is a wonderfully old fashioned Dutch name.

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and "mevrouw" and "juffrouw" of course stand out to me. "mevrouw" is a common formal address still, though probably a little bit less so than in the past. "juffrouw" as a way to address a maiden is old fashioned now. Most people would know it as a way to address a female primary school teacher.

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in the context of this poem I think it works, though of course it may be difficult to comprehend for English readers.

upbeat olive
ebon surge
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oh yes I agree.

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it works in the context.

upbeat olive
hollow goblet
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I don’t think that I’m qualified enough to critique this but the way you weave words and keep the flow of poem steady while narrating makes it look like work of embroidery on ice.
Well penned 🖊

upbeat olive
fallen adder
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I am very much unexperienced in this area, however even without context I can see the story in this. Maybe not fully, but I do like the way you word everything, any audience can definitely feel the emotion, very well written!