#Naked

50 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

twilit rivet Apr 2, 2025, 3:43 PM

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For to wear, why wear to hide your own points?
The sun do climb and moon will groan in night.
So tears will rain from sky for winds to cool.
Am I asleep to you, but none will know
And you may leave the note of your return
So you may wear the aches so sour again.

In your return, will we again smile soon
But there in me may lie sincere chagrin
“Oh, you are well”, as I would ask in smile.
So real the act, so fake will both display,
And you may spin to show the life within
With tears, I stand and approach to hold hand

And I may spoke so ill of you this time.
Turn bare, as eyes are dusty, not sense.

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@spice sonnet

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@cloud onyx

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@high furnace

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@karmic pebble

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@molten moon

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@ornate trellis

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@wet ether

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@crystal dust

crystal dust Apr 2, 2025, 4:08 PM

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dont understand it sorry verus

twilit rivet Apr 2, 2025, 4:08 PM

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oh its ok

cloud onyx Apr 2, 2025, 4:11 PM

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The poem is a good one, but not in the right frame, to picture beauty. I would ask you to correct the punctuation, this structure disrupts the flow very well. But the theme is tricky and good. That's something to appreciate.

twilit rivet Apr 2, 2025, 4:17 PM

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it is never about the beauty

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it is more about the comfort

cloud onyx Apr 2, 2025, 4:19 PM

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twilit rivet it is more about the comfort

By beauty, I meant the message that lies underneath.

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Pardon me for not being direct.

twilit rivet Apr 2, 2025, 4:21 PM

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hmm

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yeah

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it is indeed

twilit rivet Apr 2, 2025, 4:27 PM

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cloud onyx By beauty, I meant the message that lies underneath.

If it is ok. can you tell me what is the thought that is created after you read it.
Tell that to me in dm so I can understand if it is not good to discuss it here

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extra perspective help..

cloud onyx Apr 2, 2025, 4:34 PM

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twilit rivet If it is ok. can you tell me what is the thought that is created after you read ...

By his form being naked, I felt that his gestures or gaze towards her is being reflected as fake. Since, rain can be seen by the blinds at night, she still thinks of him and her past. Being blind to it. It is difficult to interpret, as the flow is disrupted and the message is partly delivered.

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That's what I felt, please correct me if it's different.

twilit rivet Apr 2, 2025, 4:36 PM

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cloud onyx By his form being naked, I felt that his gestures or gaze towards her is being r...

you got it wrong

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i will dm

cloud onyx Apr 2, 2025, 4:37 PM

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twilit rivet i will dm

Haa

molten moon Apr 2, 2025, 5:01 PM

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Wear the aches so sour again. That's powerful

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That last line too. Standing nakied in front. Bearing it all

twilit rivet Apr 2, 2025, 5:04 PM

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Thank you for reading. I really appreciate it.

wet ether Apr 3, 2025, 4:43 AM

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twilit rivet For to wear, why wear to hide your own points? The sun do climb and moon will gr...

Wow, the opening line "For to wear, why wore to hide your missive?" is so cryptic, I love it, but also, what? It feels Shakespearean but also like my brain short-circuited

The moon "sighs of past" is gorgeous, but then "Is it to rain at night, so blind may view" lost me, are we talking about literal rain or emotional blindness?
The shifts between "you", "he", and "I",are jarring (in a good way?), but I can’t tell who’s betraying whom

"And you may wear the aches so sour again", ouch, that line HURTS, Perfect

The nakedness at the end feels abrupt but raw? Like, is this about vulnerability or literal nudity? I’m interested but also frustrated

The rhythm wobbles between melodic and stumbling, was that intentional? If so, bravo; if not, maybe lean into it?

I’d cut "With tears may I approach to hold her hand", it feels softer than the rest, but then again, maybe that’s the point?

Overall, I "get" it, Keep writing, but also, explain nothing
Well Written!!

twilit rivet Apr 3, 2025, 2:04 PM

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wet ether Wow, the opening line __"For to wear, why wore to hide your missive?"__ is so cr...

thank you for reading you got the eagle eye

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as they say

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🦅

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add this emoji to your name

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man.

wet ether Apr 3, 2025, 2:07 PM

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twilit rivet add this emoji to your name

😂😂

wet ether Apr 3, 2025, 2:07 PM

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twilit rivet thank you for reading you got the eagle eye

Thanks for sharing!

granite crest Apr 3, 2025, 2:19 PM

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I really like it how it flowed and merged together

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Thanks for sharing

twilit rivet Apr 3, 2025, 2:20 PM

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thank you for visiting and taking the time to read

karmic pebble Apr 3, 2025, 3:18 PM

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twilit rivet For to wear, why wear to hide your own points? The sun do climb and moon will gr...

Your writing is as chaotic as ever.
I may leave what i think or may not think as im still stunned ,
Rugged clothes come with discomfort and nothing yet it’s hard to dismiss attachments and longing.
Not everyone can be smart to see true clothes neither can they be brave to leave rugged one’s.
Pls send ur own summary of poem tho, im curious to know what your intent was.

twilit rivet Apr 3, 2025, 3:19 PM

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karmic pebble Your writing is as chaotic as ever. I may leave what i think or may not think as...

well cloths are thought thats the hint

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and some metaphors in above line

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after its simple

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@amber sail

granite crest Apr 3, 2025, 3:51 PM

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I really enjoy your writing

twilit rivet Apr 3, 2025, 3:58 PM

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thank you

granite crest Apr 3, 2025, 4:22 PM

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Yeah I appreciate the art of writing but I have my specifics I like to share my thoughts on those

twilit rivet Apr 3, 2025, 4:27 PM

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oh sure

high furnace Apr 4, 2025, 6:32 AM

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I initially thought that you went for iambic pentameter, but I saw the pattern broken overall from the fifth line. I liked the first few lines where it seemed to be descriptive of a naked night out, but the rest then changed the mood of the poem.