#Static Is The Bullet

17 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

stark oar
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Into the deep of the unconscious,

The realm of hell and dreams,

Walking on planes of stars and cosmic realities,

Mixing days, breathing into nights, holding on to the edge of sanity, the lights of the soul that melts to ash and falls to blinded sight,

The terror rolls over me to the fantasies that ignite to liquid flames,

Reality bleeds like rain falling from the midnight sky,

Into the colors of the sands of nothingness they sink,

Like the setting of the sun to the land of the dead,

For the abyss is eternity within forgetfulness,

Is it real when I still have control?

My hands in this broken state of sanity,

In a place unknown but so deep inside,

That the fabric of time cries, as I look in the mirror to see a blur a person me with no eyes,

As it dines on the madness, to make you live a life in minutes but feel as real as distant memories

It births from my screams and sighs of fleeting bliss to nightmares of filth,

A shallow grave but it's still floats above my bed,

Ripping you away to bring you back to life,

Was it a dream or was it another life, or was I dead,

Once lived in a different time, a different dimension,

So much that the colors of a world within the sleep, that takes you to tomorrow,

Is the place where you go after taking your last breath,

Worlds like liquid mirrors reflecting possibilities different loves different self's wrapped in realities, Splitting emotions into the thoughts that molds, your mind to think and feel ,

Changing your face, changing your life, changing your noon time day and night, to a world of grey,

Lost in translation as the static becomes the bullet that breaks you away from a reasoning and sanity

Walking cosmic realties in the dreams that life gifts you with to live outside of tomorrow,

ebon junco
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thats uh

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thats alto of personnality traits in your bio

stark oar
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O really thanks

stark oar
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@wooden lake

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@ember parcel

ember parcel
# stark oar Into the deep of the unconscious, The realm of hell and dreams, Walking on pla...

Okay, so this piece. Its really something unreal with the devices. Its so hard to grasp on what is going on, which might be cause by my lack of knowledge of english. But these metaphors... They are so good like:
Reality bleeds like rain falling from the midnight sky,
or
Worlds like liquid mirrors reflecting possibilities different loves different self's wrapped in realities
Yeah I am gonna definitely inspire in some of these. 😋

As for structure, I would have some ideas to make it different. I would first make it a little more make it smaller so I would make it into some stanzas. I don't mean that single lines are bad, but I in my opinion I think that poem should have one type of stanza and use it till the end. I think you can use couplets, quadrains, triplets anything really, I would personally just not use one type of stanza for entire poem. Now you can say, that you feel your solution is better and that's a valid point. Don't forget I am telling you my artistic opinion based on what I subjectively like. Think of it like my point of view, you don't need to obey it.

Now I would get to a message. Which I can't really say much, because this part is even more subjective than others parts. I can say I like cryptic pieces, where plot isn't served on golden plate, yet I think I wasn't able to decode your poem. So I have only rough imagination of plot. but that can be more than enough.

Overall, I think this is a nice piece ^-^

stark oar
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Thank you I will look into it and do some demos with that advice in mind. I'm curious as for the message It's talking about before waking up dream to the shock of awareness'. to The flow of how the mind through a day evolves living with Borderline Personality disorder

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I do like your idea

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I'm going to try it

ember parcel
stark oar
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And the poems is just one event one day reality so the rest is just pure emotions to thought in the process's in metaphor how thoughts flow and the archetype behind them

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On the pacific day and time

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I do that on purpose to give the reader like a scavenger hunt in perceptive

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If you do ever read about it you don't have to but the poem will make more sense then I believe

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Thank you on the you feed back this will help me mutate my writing to make more sense to other it's very helpful and by the way I've been writing for years so far being on her for 2 days has giving me more fed back then I've ever encountered I'm very pleased