#You Have Left Me Two paths And I Follow Both

33 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

kind aurora
#

You Have Left Me Two paths And I Follow Both

am patince reborn as a being,
I am a creature who can stay stiffly,
When you start to direct arrows at me.
Yet you will dare to call me unloving!

The wooden horse you receive is flawless,
We both hide snakes beneath deceiving skin.
That is why you hear my voice in solace.
The horse is a true gift that I’m lying in.

You truly love this horse but at what cost?
İ know at times by my father I’ll be tossed,
But I’ll use snakes to get what I once lost,
My heart has two sides but one is storm tossed.

And to please your oh, broken soul it lies,
Whilst you give us a false sense of hope,
Sincerity is fleeting, i get it but you don’t.
Your suspicion is not of the horses guise.

I have held my breath in this horse to long,
I will scream no matter the gods silence,
Tip toeing around a harsh, truthful song,
No longer, as this song is my guidance!

Some is true some is not,
Its an act of love and deception…
Sometimes I wish you would rot,
Sometimes im glad you will not.

#

@west cave
@night cargo
@tough dock
@tardy sky

#

@chrome bane
@placid flame

#

@wide nebula

#

@buoyant island

#

Ugh anger keeps building up and I want to scream. Tell him all that a feel but im helpless. And I am nor not a position where can live without him. I do love him at times idk. Im so conflicted with everything.

kind aurora
#

@normal needle

kind aurora
#

Idk if my conscience is guilty or not either. Very confusing 👍

normal needle
# kind aurora You Have Left Me Two paths And I Follow Both am patince reborn as a being, I ...

am patince reborn as a being
I know what you're trying to say, but I felt I should tell you to fix the typos in this line.

Yet you will dare to call me unloving!
I feel the "will" was unnecessary, but that's more of a personal opinion.

I liked this poem, especially the allusion to the Trojan Horse (I think that was an intentional allusion). I would suggest, though you don't need to take this suggestion, to look into rhyming schemes where the rhyme does not happen in an AA pattern. There are patterns as simple as ABAB, and much more intricate ones. I only make this suggestion because AA rhymes tend to give the poem a sing-song flow, which makes it sound like a nursery rhyme. I don't this that's what you want for the tone of your poem. I also wouldn't say to completely abandon rhyming schemes, because they can make the flow of a poem nicer. I don't think you absolutely must adhere to rhyming schemes either, because sometimes people sacrifice the quality of a poem just to keep the rhyme going.

kind aurora
# normal needle > am patince reborn as a being I know what you're trying to say, but I felt I s...

The reason I used “will” was because I used syllable measures all of the verses have 10 syllables. But yeah I should have made a different verse instead of forcing it on this one lol. And I tried to make them more organized tahta why its abab but im not sure what else I could have used either- and what do u think of the contents of poem? Thats what I most liked about it 😅. Also thanks for the long reply it really means a lot.

#

Uh the syllable measure is not in the last stanza

kind aurora
#

I read your suggestion again

#

Sorry I thought you said dont do abab

normal needle
# kind aurora The reason I used “will” was because I used syllable measures all of the verses ...

I'd recommend looking up rhyming schemes, I can't really think of many of the top of my head (though I used to), but there are definitely some interesting ones out there.
I definitely enjoyed what the poem was written about.

I am a creature who can stand stiffly,
When you start to direct arrows at me.
Yet you will dare to call me unloving!
I would recommend not capitalizing "When" because it makes it easier to read. I liked how these (at the very least seemed) to be about taking sacrifices/hard-ships for someone.
The wooden horse you receive is priceless
The way I read this poem the mentioning of this horse seems to be in reference to the Trojan Horse. I liked that allusion, it was very well written.
We both hide snakes between deceiving skin.
This was a little confusing for me, but I think what your saying is that although you seem nice enough you have some bitterness/spite in you. I liked that.
I know at times by my father I'll be tossed,
But I'll use snakes to get what I once lost,
My heart has two sides but one is storm tossed.
Same thing of capitalization. I think this stanza is saying you'll use vengeance to get back the approval of your father? I think that was written nicely. I also liked the last line, it seems to go back to what I was saying about the line of snakes between deceiving skin.
And to please your oh, broken soul it lies,
Whilst you give us a false sense of hope,
I definitely didn't fully understand this part. I think it's saying that the person this poem is directed to says reassuring things but is continuing to hurt you?
I have held my breath in this horse to long...
Grammatically "to" should be "too". Aside from that I enjoyed this stanza. I think it's saying you are done pretending this person has not hurt you, and might even be alright with confronting them

#

I'm starting a new message to continue my comment

kind aurora
#

Bro

#

Why is it so long

#

😅

normal needle
#

Some is true some is not
Its an act of love and deception
You need to add a comma at the end of "Some is true" and "Its" should be "It's". Beyond that I think this passage was nice, no notes.
Sometimes I wish you would rot,
Sometimes im glad you will not.
"im" should be "I'm". This is one of the few times I've enjoyed an AA rhyme, so I definitely enjoyed those couple of lines.

normal needle
kind aurora
#

Its about my father

kind aurora
#

Thanks though

#

The person this was directed at was my father. He does do some nice fatherly gestures and he is a narcissist who is hungry for love. So a normal act of love is not enough. You have to over the top, constantly reassuring him. And bruh im tired.

normal needle
#

Understandable

kind aurora
#

And he lies a lot and acts like he genuinely believes what ever the - he is saying

normal needle
#

I should add I learned about a lot of the more complex rhyming schemes and things of the sort through looking up types of poems. However, I would suggest against trying too hard to stick to rigid poetry set-ups, as people tend to sacrifice the quality of their poetry when they do that.

normal needle
kind aurora
#

Just wrote a new poem

#

Gets more in depth of lying part

normal needle