thick dagger
My eyes are pendulums,
Judgement creaks with every oscillation.
My bones are gears,
Oil drips with every move.
My blood is immiscible,
It doesn't flow, it slips.
My soul is a mess,
Filled with prudence.
"Look at his pendulums,
They glare, burning knives to stop murders."
"Look at his posture
He can't even sit at place"
"Look at those skinny pot-holes,
Numb from all the scratches."
"Look at that person,
Not even a good morning."
thick dagger
@safe crown @frosty sapphire 🫡
frosty sapphire
My eyes are pendulums,
Judgement creaks with every oscillation.
My bones are ge...
Interesting
It’s very hard to completely understand
I love that about it
thick dagger
The lines in quotes is what the world thinks of him, and the other lines is what is shaped by those opinions. The twist is that the opinion part should have been first, it was in the draft like that. But "what you think of yourselves, makes you the person you want to be" made me change that
safe crown
this is a very interesting insight into anxiety and the feeling of being watched/judged. i really like how you put this poem together! ^^
If you saw
what my gears held back,
you’d understand
why the oil
sometimes leaks. 💜
leaden lantern
this is a nice poem,but you could addd like more smoother transition between scene ig
maiden patrol
My eyes are pendulums,
Judgement creaks with every oscillation.
My bones are ge...
okay so here I am.
I like your way how you are thinking about metaphors. What usually lots of writers do, is they write metaphor for the sake of metaphor. But you create a second layer of meaning. Thats just perfect use of them. I find nice when metaphors are all in similar topic. and the under layer is still good. I think this poem should be example of that. Its easy to spot it and it creates very effective piece.
Also the repetition of
Look at ...
creates nice gradation at the end. I think it creates such a big stress at last line.
So thats pretty much it for poetic devices, I think I wasn't able to spot anymore.
As for structure. I think its alright, sure I think I would od it differently, but I am suprised how it kinda works at the end. Now I should mention my that I am talking based on my artistic beliefs based on my subjective likings, so think of it as of my view. Don't take it, that I am 100% correct and you are 100% wrong. You have right to deny my critique. But you should consider it.
Okay so I think at this piece, the symmetricity of couples really works, but I would change these two longer lines.
for example:
My eyes are pendulums, - 6 syllables (I will assume eyes has 1 syllable)
Judgement creaks with every oscillation.- 12 syllables
see that the rythm kinda breaks apart. here. Now I do not know which solution would be better.
a,
creating third line, which would break the symmetricity. I am not a fan of poems with same stanzas, but this really works, so I wouldn't do it.
b,
finding different solution, this might be even harder.
Ofc this is jut my opinion.
second part: (I can't send it cuz discord thinkts its too long)
Okay lastly lets take a look at the message.
Now I will come back to first point. I just love your 2 - layer poem. I really enjoyed it.
There I would make just one tweak. In the last line, where you have so powerful built up trough the last half of your poem. I think the last line is not using the power it has. But this is just my opinion again. Maybe if you would narrate it it would sound strong.