#Hypocrite

10 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

fleet scaffold
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Amazing, isn’t it?
I’ve burned down the bridge to you
Didn’t even look back at it’s falling pieces
But now, I want to run to it, back to you
When all that remains of it
Are ashes of long gone memories.

I’ve trampled over you, a beautiful Daisy
I’ve stomped your brightness, tore away your petals
Now, searching for them desperately
I try to find you, to put you back together.

Shameful, isn’t it?
A devil like me, now wanting to be an Angel
A killer, now trying to be a Savior
Wondering if it’s too late
Knowing that I’m destined to experience this fate.

I can’t be an Angel, a Savior
For I already killed you, broke you into pieces.

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@full palm

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I've finished the poem, have a read at it if you want

full palm
hollow egret
# fleet scaffold Amazing, isn’t it? I’ve burned down the bridge to you Didn’t even look back at i...

The first paragraph is well done, but seeing that you wanted to avoid being "corny", sort of, I reccomend varying in metaphors. Daisy, devil/angel, killer/savior, they're often overused. I also reccomend trying to not use the same words too much in one short poem.

| For I already killed you, broke you into pieces.

I think avoiding using the word you is a great start. You used it twice in the end and did two rhymes ending with it in the first paragraph, your wording outside of these aspects is awesome, but I strongly suggest trying to use other metaphors. The rhyme line is also very inconsistent.

The first paragraph is amazing, but the major flaw here is using the same words to rhyme more than once, and isolated words where they feel off.

fleet scaffold
fleet scaffold
hollow egret
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That's just my personal opinion though.

hollow egret