Sunset

[shadow condor]

A soul so serene, her eyes wistful
A heart so keen, perhaps a fool
Surrounded with what it grew
Flowers of kinds she never knew

And the flowers would grow and bloom
Watered by the rain of the storm’s doom
And the thoughts caught up in a whirlwind
Oh, how the brain was conflicted

No more blood would the heart pump
For your smile would make it skip and jump
No more blood yet no more complaints
For life was now what’s coursing through the veins

Now her heart was yours to claim, thus it was detained
No more blood for no more remained
No more blood for it has all been drained
And it wasn’t your fault; no, you shouldn’t be blamed

It’s only natural the roses grow thorns
That could pierce through the heart she wished to call yours
It’s only logical; to grow they must be fed
Yet she never wondered why the flowers grew red

Holding her heart together was a woven thread
Leaving the only trace of what used to exist
Her eyes wistful when her smile said
The sunset is beautiful, isn’t it?

[fiery shale]

Hey! Let me give you some feedback to the best of my ability:

A soul is a "her" yet there's also an "it' in the first stanza, perhaps "it", but then the flowers are "she" again, which is odd as it's both about things that grew/flowers.

Someone's brain is conflicted. Then the "no more blood" theme starts, which I enjoyed. The heart comes back, and "your smile" so there's a you now. Is the "you" the "she/her"? Whose heart now has no more blood, her heart or the heart? There are a lot of entities that do things here, soul, brain, heart (two people's hearts?), you, her and I'm a bit muddled as to who is what and what's going on with all of it - perhaps more clarity can be produced.

I like "she never wondered why the flowers grew red" which combines the blood theme with the flowers.

Now the title "sunset" comes back in the end - is this a sunset of love?

There's many end rhymes though not to a strict scheme. That's okay, but there are just enough in the middle stanzas that make me look for it and then miss it later and earlier.

I think you can strengthen a few lines by paying attention the meter and syllables. The third stanza I like in that respect, but I stumble a bit over "Now her heart was yours to claim, thus it was detained". it's many more syllables. "Her heart was yours to claim, was thus detained" makes it flow better for me, though it's still a bit longer than the rest.

Thank you so much for sharing and I hope my feedback was of any use to you!

[shadow condor]

Thank you so much for the feedback! I really needed to know how it'd be viewed by well- anyone but me!:D There's a whole story behind it actually and I struggled to put in the needed context for it to be understood (I was sure of that, which is why I needed feedback).

"A soul so serene, her eyes wistful" It's describing a girl, let's call her the 'mc' for now. Her soul is pure, but she's feeling upset. "A heart so keen, perhaps a fool" She's stubbornly in love. "Surrounded with what it grew. Flowers of kinds she never knew" The "it" is referring to the stubborn heart that grew flowers, and the "she" is referring to our 'mc' the girl!

Then for the second stanza, our 'mc' is confused as to why her heart is growing flowers (her feelings). And this confusion (the storm) watered the "flowers”. The girl's brain was conflicted.

Then the "you" is introduced. The "you" was actually referring to the person "her heart grew flowers for" (the one she caught feelings for). And the more she crossed paths with this person, the more "the flowers" (her love for him) grew. And at one point, the flowers grew too close to her heart to the point of piercing it with the thorns (and feeding off of it instead as a result). Which eventually drained a lot of blood from the heart.

The "woven thread" comes into frame, which explains the healing process. That she had to sew back what the flowers had done. The thread (the ache) was now the only trace of her love for him as she got rid of all the flowers (that were what hurt her in the first place).

Finally, her eyes were sad yet she was smiling when she said "The sunset is beautiful, isn't it?" That sentence means "I love you but I'm letting you go". I believe it originated from "つき が きれい です ね" (Tsuki ga kirei desu ne) which translates to "The moon is beautiful, isn't it?" which is a phrase that means "I love you" as the majority of the Japanese found it a bit difficult to just straight up say it, so they used this alternative. Then there was probably an idea that when "sunset" replaces "moon" it'd still mean you love that person BUT you're letting them go.

Basically, that girl just experienced her first crush lmao

Apologies for how long this is. And that’s just a brief idea of her story! No matter how many poems I still couldn’t capture the whole story in any of them. Been trying for years, so nothing can really stop me from trying again for a couple more years. I’m gonna try again with your feedback in mind (thanks again!!) and update this post until I finally succeed.

Sorry again for the long reply!! (It’s just that I never got the chance to talk about poetry with anyone since they’d get bored and zone out whenever I try to explain anything to them 😅 )

[fiery shale]

Thank you! I got some bits from the poem but the details can probably do with more clarity by simplifying attribution