#Anguishing World

64 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

surreal vapor
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Not every line needs an adjective

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Some of these lines stretch themselves out far too much

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That said. You are spitting bars with the third stanza

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Because the rhythm and rhyme actually align

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You can't wait too long to resolve a rhyme, it feels forced if you do so

quasi mirageBOT
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*You can't wait too long

to resolve a rhyme, it feels

forced if you do so*

- 66.88% nouhs8
surreal vapor
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For example, "yet staring into their eyes" feels misplaced within the rhymes of the stanza because it delays the rhyme

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That said, there are still some great lines here

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"verbal warfare", "bleeding tears", "decay into depression",

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It's important to let the words speak for themselves

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the lines I mentioned did so effectively

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If you put two words like "discordant tempest" together, the meaning is overwhelming

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It took me awhile to realize this

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Still kinda learning, just thought this would be useful to you 😅

steady stream
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Sorry that you didn't like the poem, I will take your feedback into account.

surreal vapor
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I liked some aspects

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I was just overwhelmed with it

steady stream
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We all have our preferences

surreal vapor
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There were some great lines here

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I overwrite alot of the time too 😅

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I used to really overwrite

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I think there's alot of great material under this poem

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I'd just make it more concise

steady stream
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Maybe my style of writing just isn't for you, me personally, as well as several of my friends and family members, like this poem and how I have written it.

surreal vapor
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Maybe I need more time with it

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I could go through it again

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I don't always discern the meaning initially

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Part of it could be personal preferance though

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I'm interested in your friends and families interpretation of the meaning of the poem

steady stream
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I post this online and I was trying to hint at my fighting parents without saying that. Maybe you like more direct and exacted emotions and words

surreal vapor
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II'm starting to see the meaning a bit more

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Child of divorce, I can relate to that aspect

surreal vapor
steady stream
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I get it

surreal vapor
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My poem about my parents, it's kinda long too

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There is one thing though

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I like the title, it's what directed me to looking at this poem

quasi mirageBOT
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*I like the title,

it's what directed me to

looking at this poem*

- 66.88% nouhs8
surreal vapor
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But I'd make a title that reflects the subject matter more

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Anguishing World could mean all sorts of emotional turmoil. I think more accurately, your world is falling apart

steady stream
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I think we have different preferences 🤔

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Maybe

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Writing a poem is often made to be interpreted by the reader

surreal vapor
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Sorry I hit a sore spot. Yesterday I traded feedback someone and he gave harsh feedback to some of my poems that I really liked and thought were good. But it's necessary for the poems. I write for myself too, poetry is subjective. But I think we can all help eachother a bit. Alot of punctuation isn't really my forte but you made a good point about that with my poem, while I don't see anything punctually wrong with my poem...I'm still sure I'll be able to improve it by using your feedback.

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I was a bit too harsh though, but no poem is ever really done

quasi mirageBOT
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*I was a bit too

harsh though, but no poem is

ever really done*

- 66.88% nouhs8
surreal vapor
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And it's the purpose of this server to help eachother be better poets

steady stream
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Don't worry I'm not petty lol. I agree with you! I hope we can be friends

steady stream
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@quaint trellis

quaint trellis
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its realy great i get the meaning of the poem good work! @steady stream

sage dune
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in the first stanza, second last line, i'd suggest using comprehend and\or defend instead of using defend alone. the imagery was noteworthy in the first stanza as well. One thing i noticed throughout the poem was inconsistent imagery, it starts off amazing in the first sentence and then it fades; poems that hold power and meaning usually would need the imagery. 'i shield my eras with calm-tuned wind' feels not only off but a missed chance to weave in a beautiful scene of the winds; something like "my ears behind the shield of my wind-lyre" [ofc not thiss, js an example] would be much better; both in terms of flow of phrases and imagery. stanza 3, can use some wordplay or maybe it's intended from your side to have a pause. again in stanza 3, last phrase "... confession and recession" where recession can be replaced with something more suitable. i'm sorry if it feels like i'm making fuss over things that suggest i want everything to be rhymed but it's a poem that has a melody in between pauses and the flow is exquisite, so i wanted to point out where you could improve it. "the bleeding tears we are all weeping, staining" can use a pause via a '-' after the word tear. the consistent end words being the first word to the next phrase are in a way it doesn't feel forced. "Covering my eyes so I cannot see—but I hear—
I hear the collapsing world that I fear—" great phrases. the last stanza can use somewhat of a calmer tone and can mirror a prose

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btw sorry for typos, my typing on laptop isn't great

quasi mirageBOT
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*btw sorry

for typos, my typing on

laptop isn't great*

- suzyissolazyy
steady stream
# sage dune in the first stanza, second last line, i'd suggest using comprehend and\or defen...

Sorry I took so long.

I can understand why but defend works the best for me

I understand and I'll try to work on that

The calm tuned wind was supposed to mean music idk if you knew. I was using wind since I mentioned tempest earlier and I thought that fit.

I did a unique style of having the stanzas flow from one to the next and this is the method I used and I wanted to use the same words

I don't mind the fuss lol

Yes I agree the em dash is better, but I would move it after weeping instead of a comma.

Thank you for the feedback, I'll make sure to consider this next poem I write.

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@weary mural

weary mural
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Super intense piece

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It captures emotional pain well. I would say there are moments where it feels predictable but the imagery is super vivid and the rhyming overall is very musical

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🙂

steady stream
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Appreciate it

steady stream
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@plucky knot

steady stream
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@analog crane

analog crane
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I like this part:

The bleeding tears we are all weeping, staining—
Staining the world with the spite they spread, draining—
Draining the love of this world so slowly, chaining—
Chaining this house-held misery to the world, fading—
Fading, this world is failing; divided, hating—

Because you link every end to every start, is the most interesting part of the poem. To me the start seems a little vague, maybe to many poetical devices/imagery. The ending I feel that ties everything together. But there is something I find odd with the hole thing, yes it has emotion and meaning but it lacks detail (at least in my opinion). Nevertheless, your use of vocabulary is great and also your wording. Keep up the good work! 🩵

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also maybe put this in the sensitive section!

steady stream
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Thank you 😄I'll try to be more concise with my metaphors!