Nightmare (revised)

[hot laurel]

Once, my satin and faithful steed -
who came to me in times of need,
rode in my dreams

I sat above its back, esteemed -
and in the sky, I viewed a beam
of starlit streams

Yet standing this close now it seems
that you no longer recall me,
ignored, unseen

Your dim hoof spawns a bloody steam
across my mind,just as you scream
an eroteme

[round beacon]

it has dckinson tone to it, would love you to lean more towards meter in here, possibly common meter (e.g. my satin faithful steed who came/in times of need in dreams), also make it even more stripped down, cut all the fuss, be minimal with your words, it'll have more lasting impact

also don't take my example too seriously, its very badly written but it was just to give an idea of what common meter is, if youre curious u can find it on Wikipedia, it is very helpful and don't be too strict with it too

it's better to be more loose when it comes to meter, personally

that also applies to rhymes

try ABAC or smth like that, it won't feel as jarring as having such a strict rhyme scheme or dont use rhymes at all, plus it will be more coherent with the general theme youre tackling

dont listen to my advice tho, I cant write

[hot laurel]

Oh yeah, i know what meter is haha

This one follows a Spanish one, so that's why it looks a bit odd

[round beacon]

I think you misunderstood, I meant common meter which is a type of meter

[hot laurel]

Oh

[round beacon]

but great poem btw

[hot laurel]

It follows the Spanish meter, which takes into account the amount of syllables per verse rather than the English qualitative one

[hot laurel]

Thanks haha

[hot laurel]

This is the structure i was aiming for, i simply chose to use a similar rhyme i stead of the pattern you see here

"Recuerde el alma dormida,
avive el seso y despierte
contemplando
cómo se pasa la vida,
cómo se viene la muerte
tan callando;
cuán presto se va el placer;
cómo después de acordado
da dolor;
cómo a nuestro parecer
cualquiera tiempo pasado
fue mejor."

8a8b4c X2 8d8e4f x2

[round beacon]

english poems and spanish poems have very different vibes if you get what I say, I find in english it is better to use a looser rhyme scheme

but I like this one in spanish

even though idk spanish

[hot laurel]

Yeah i understood what you were saying haha

It's true that English is more suited for looser rhymes, but since most of the poetry i write is in Spanish,i kind of try to measure It the same way in both languages by default haha

At least for now