introduction to man

[coral stirrup]

Hello. If this is the first poem of mine you've read, I'd also like to suggest my other poem: https://discord.com/channels/944439929734312006/1344121701075521578

This is my second poem, as I am new and still exploring.

I thank you for your time.

This is: the introduction to man:

the creation of a body is no equivalent to the morality instilled in man’s mind,
the two remain in duality,
for flesh is just a physical fissure of air that lay standing on soil;
swimming in water;
flying - or falling - through air;
floating in space; standing atop space rock.
if the flesh had no mind, it would lie as a nerveless fish in the sea - an ocean sunfish;
it would lay useless.
however, with a mind, man is considered the most intelligent species-
the most intelligent to witness itself.
with a mind, man - whose creation already fissured the air,
and overran Earth’s body with their own - has learned to exacerbate their stay.
with a mind, man has learned to wound their environment in their brief interstice.
with a mind, man has learned to excuse their brigandry - of the environment,
and of their counterparts’ body and mind.
for man is sin, not due to his flesh,
but his intelligence seeded into his mind,
this is the genesis of man.

[polar panther]

OK let's start: first of all I think you meant "in a man's mind" and not "in man's mind", and " air that lays" and not "air that lay" - I will advise if this happens a lot with grammar mistakes yse grammarly perhaps or something else.
I would say the over statement of the flesh at the first lines is a bit over done - if it does have meaning like emphasizing than you know what it works great, but if it just for putting more words in maybe reconsider it, remember to jot force words o to the paper just let it come out - whether if it's two lines or ninety, if you want it a certain way somehow it will be as you wish.
I do like to see a certain theme to a poem, two or three at max I'd say - you started with space, then the ocean, earth - I do like this themes but they are mentioned once, maybe try and expand on them and create and understanding and contrast between different questions you are proposing and ideas.
Overall, message is amazing, there is work to be done I think but you said this is your second poem and wow this impresses me to heaven and back, keep on going you might become a poet one day!

[coral stirrup]

Flesh does have an emphasis due to it's relationship with man. It is supposed to symbolize that man has no importance without the weight of his mind, yet still consumes space without his conscious. In man's mind is generalization of all mankind, which I think is appropriate in English. Thank you for catching me on that s in lays and taking your time to notice it. When you say theme do you mean the visualization of a setting or environment inside of a poem? If so, I can definitely add more of a visualization in my poems, however they are meant primarily for the theme of the mind; the psychology behind circumstances. Thanks for the feedback, I will integrate it with my other prompts, or future projects.

[polar panther]

So try with the theme of the mind, the voidness in it and the shallow thoughts and such - try to connect it all and maybe add metaphors and imagery so it will be clearer of what's the message for the theme is the thing we keep on focusing through out the poem

[coral stirrup]

Understood. I feel like their is an absence of shallow thoughts and would like to see where you got that from. My intention was to paint a picture between the duality of man's uselessness without his mind, and the destruction he constructs once he is blessed with consciousness and intelligence. I suppose I tried to paint the opposite of a shallow mind, but an intelligent one that takes advantage of the creation of itself.

[polar panther]

No it is just that you insult the man and I was just thinking on something to connect the mind with the ocean you mentioned

Maybe ocean-deep thoughts

[coral stirrup]

That is more of what I was pointing at, however poetry - especially in a psychological manner - tends to be abstract and perceived differently. I insult the creation of man's intelligence, as it tends to cross boundaries out of curiosity. I'm thinking of polishing it, and adding more of a base to it.

[polar panther]

Go for it! Tag me if you need another harsh criticism!