A Sorcerer's Myth

[hard flame]

I never believed in destiny,
In there being a fate meant for me,
A life, however cruel, lived with dignity,
It all seemed like a fool's desperate belief,
The past and the future, an entwined sea,
An unchangeable and unalterable sacred entity.

It's a paradox in itself with entirety.
Absolving the blames of humanity.
If everything was always meant to be, then our tragedies a simple unease?
A correct choice always exists in reality.
I refused to accept our existence,
As a mere time passing activity.

But what has lead me astray, I do not know.
Sent me through time to live a dystopia,
Or trapped me in a loop of repeating perpetuity.
The choice laid in front of me.
My heart had turned to stone,
And my face a pale grey,
The flowers of spring started to fade,
And the leaves of fall crumbled away,
The summers sun came crashing down
And the cold, a never ending day.
To choose one, meant it would stay,
But I had not a single clue,
If i could live with the choice made.

And for the very first time,
There was nothing I wanted more,
Than to feel the answer carved into my palms,
With blood piling and a guarantee of scars.
To know my destiny written by a fool playing cards.
To make that choice a hundred times,
But none would make a difference.
To see the outcome with my eyes,
Knowing every incidence.

[knotty nexus]

Love the idea, but in the request of sharp criticism

Spacing is way too blocky, and way too many words. Look for synonyms that will reduce word count, especially in the 3rd and 4th “stanzas”

Rephrasing is always my first advice when something just feels off

[hard flame]

Thanks for your input. Im not the best with phrasing so that's kinda my weak spot. Do you have any tips as to how properly phrase out poem/laying out stanzas?*

[knotty nexus]

Phrasing is hard to explain, it is really just repeating in my head “could I say this more elegantly?” / “if I change the meaning of this line slightly does it improve the full poem?”

In term of stanzas. Shorter clumps. No more than 6 lines in a stanza unless you really need it, typically I keep to under 4

[alpine leaf]

The pome has a strong philosophical depth and a ballad-like storytelling style. The imagery is vivid, and the existential theme is great.

However, I felt like some lines feel out of place or too long, slightly disrupting the flow. The writing is free verse I suppose, because not all the end words rhyme , like it could be more consistent. Refining the structure and improving the rhythm would make it more flowy.

[blissful island]

I want to offer advice or criticism but I need to understand your poetic style, it seems like you’re questioning fate, wrestling with choices, and feeling trapped in cycles beyond your control.

It almost feels like an existential lament, wrestling with the idea of destiny not as a guiding light but as an oppressive force.

What made you want to write this? Are you feeling caught in a choice right now, or was it just something that flowed out of you?

The concept of time looping is strong, but “to live a dystopia” feels vague. Is it personal suffering, a world collapsing, or something metaphorical?

“What has lead me astray” Should be “What has led me astray” (past participle of “lead” is “led”).

[hard flame]

My main inspo for this was mainly about choosing a career and degree, as someone who is madly indecisive and wants to try everything, choosing one particular thing is stressful and anxious. I want something to tell me what to do, how to do it, when to do it, basically a tutorial for life haha. Kinda meh but that's the vibe I was going for.

[hard flame]

I was going for personal suffering, in that making the wrong choice would create resentment and bitterness, inturn making a dystopia that most would not want to experience.
With the phrase "Sent me through time" i was mostly alluding to the restless anxiety and assuming the worst turnout of the situation that I experience often.

[hard flame]

Yep, it was a typo

[hard flame]

Thanks for the input, I'll definitely focus on that more with future poems :))