#10 Metal Fairy

[nimble marsh]

#10 Metal Fairy

Hovering beauty,
Shapes my shadow.
Whirring and whizzing,
A novice too clueless to feel.
The pressure holds the structure.
Primitivity fixated on top of my head,
Sending ripples borne by the naked skin.

Nerves carrying the feeling to the ground,
A lubricant to revive the obsolete system.

Eyes fish for twinkles from gilded gears.
The wheel catching up to set standards,
Anxious feelers rushing the spine.
Fuel me, fuel me some more,
Peel the conviction off,
Bathing in gasoline,
Metal fairy.

[haughty vale]

Wonderful! @nimble marsh has just pregressed to level 3!

[nimble marsh]

Thank you for reading my poem

[slate heron]

hey i think it's a really good poem! It's very abstract and metaphorical, which I always enjoy ( since the reader is free to interpret what it means for themselves）。 The imagery is also very strong, esp in the line "Whirring and whizzing, A novice too clueless to feel"

[slate heron]

its a bot hahahhah🥹

[nimble marsh]

Thank you very much! I was very fond of that line when I wrote it, I like writing abstract poems, glad to know they're working out :D

[nimble marsh]

T_T

[slate heron]

ur so cute ahhahaha

[hardy lily]

Oooh lineation

My first suggestion is changing the pressure to how pressure

Actually that's my only critique

This is fricken cool as heck

@final thicket you'll genuinely like this one I think

You'd benefit I think from like, punctuation, and maybe not uppercasing the beginning of every line (although that's a stylistic choice)

But this is genuinely really really cool

I'd maybe change tips of feet to something like tips of tissue or tips of tarsals because I personally like alliteration to help with flow, but that's very nitpicky

[nimble marsh]

the line before that and that line are separate, I really do need punctuation oof but that could work too

[nimble marsh]

I never really used punctuation in my poems up until now, I will work on it for sure!

[hardy lily]

I narrate a lot of poetry out loud, so how I read without punctuation is heavily based on that, punctuation helps us know exactly where you want us to pause!

[nimble marsh]

I forgot what alliteration meant, but yeah that line is a bit wonky. What do you think about "nerves now carrying the feeling to ground"? I was on a limit and kinda just wrote whatever before

[hardy lily]

nerves now carry feeling to ground feels flowy if you like that

[nimble marsh]

It is a bit short though

[haughty vale]

Wonderful! @nimble marsh has just pregressed to level 4!

[hardy lily]

Carrying instead of carry?

If you do want it to be perfectly even, absolutely do the one you had it if works

[nimble marsh]

still falls short but fits perfectly with the addition of "the"

[hardy lily]

Your poem means your preference is most important

[nimble marsh]

think this works?

[hardy lily]

Absolutely

[nimble marsh]

Thank you very much for your help, fixed and added punctuation, although lazily.

[nimble marsh]

#10 Metal Fairy