#Superficial Warmth

64 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

red pilot
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I like watching the sunlight reflect off
the waves of the water,
It's soothing
Oh, how the warm, bright rays of the sun hit the water and makes everything so sparkly,
Its beautiful.
And, added with the bold blue sky along with the green trees on the banks of the water just makes it so much more beautiful.

Maybe it's the warmth in the scene that makes it's so mesmerizing
The warmth of the sunlight that can be felt just by looking at it.
The kind of warmth that makes you feel all fuzzy and happy
The kind of warmth you feel when someone hugs you in your worst times.
The kind of warmth that my younger self had always yearned for.

Crumbling into the depths of nothingness ,it seems I try to find warmth in inanimate things.
I thought I had it all handled,
I thought I was like graphene
But,it seems, I'm more of a Rupert's tear,
breaking upon a mere hit on my tail.

I used to wait in the school bus for a glimpse of that soothingly warm sight.
Just a sight of that warm sparkling water was enough to make me soothed.
The cool breeze that followed, the swaying of the trees, the clattering of other students, it seemed almost too perfect, for I loved that road.

But,maybe the moment would've been better had I not realised that my tail was already hit,
and that, this was just me trying to get some of the heat to mould myself into another yet teardrop.
Maybe I'll get it someday.
Maybe I'll get a chance to tell my younger self that the sight isn't pretty because of the warmth of the reflected sunlight, but rather it's pretty because it reminds me of some warmful memories.

dim jolt
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I don’t wanna be mean

red pilot
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💀

dim jolt
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I love this poem so much like genuinely I resonate with it but your wording and choice of sentence structure leaves stuff to be desired

red pilot
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elaborate pleaseee

dim jolt
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Ok let me find examples

red pilot
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alrrr

dim jolt
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It seems that this a common thing in your poems I love that it adds character but best to be avoided just for quality in my opinion

red pilot
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i didnt understand what you said

dim jolt
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Read through the first paragraph and see if you notice it flowing slowly or anything like that

red pilot
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itsa flow right

dim jolt
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Yes

red pilot
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yeah

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i wanted that

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btw im bringing in another critic @bleak phoenix

dim jolt
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It seems to be interrupted by the voice of wording such as the empty line to say it’s beautiful and then followed up by saying and which is a joining word and would not mark an end of sentence so take out the end that improves flow change the beautiful that reflects higher imagery

red pilot
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its to add the depression

dim jolt
red pilot
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ah

red pilot
dim jolt
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I would like to add all of this is my opinion and you may see different it’s just suggestions

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Well when you read let’s say rhymes you notice how there’s a flow?

red pilot
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is it missing a flow?

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alr so beautiful is like an abrupt shift?

dim jolt
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No you just kind of tend to get rid of the flow with unnecessary words

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Yes

red pilot
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i understand

dim jolt
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When you said it’s soothing that appeals to a strong emotion

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When you say beautiful it doesn’t match the same emotion as soothing

red pilot
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"its beautiful" is kinda like a cockblocker huh

dim jolt
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AHAHA yea that’s definitely a way to put it

red pilot
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alr i'll try to think of another line or word

zealous dawnBOT
red pilot
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tyy

dim jolt
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You seem to do that a bit by adding unnecessary words or changing the feeling it doesn’t flow so smoothly

red pilot
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yes

dim jolt
# red pilot tyy

OFC feel free to tag me in any more of your poetry I absolutely loved reading these

red pilot
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it was my third poem im still learning

red pilot
dim jolt
torn jasperBOT
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*Your onto something

here continue like this and

you’ll go somewhere good*

- hercules4415
red pilot
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dayum

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tyyy

dim jolt
red pilot
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ithink you can do imagery well

dim jolt
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Lmao yeahh I focus on that more I really appreciate your feedback btw it was super helpful!!

bleak phoenix
# red pilot I like watching the sunlight reflect off the waves of the water, It's soothing O...

This captures the contrast between external warmth and internal longing, using deep metaphors. The gradual shift from the comforting sunlight on water to the fragile nature of personal resilience is powerful, and the graphene vs. Rupert’s tear comparison is kind of weird for me, it's comparison is spectacular.. The transition from childhood memories to present reflection is smooth, making the emotional weight hit harder. However.. some lines could be more concise for better flow, and "warmful" should be "warm" or "warmth-filled." Overall, it’s a poignant and well-crafted piece that balances nostalgia, vulnerability, and self-discovery.

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❤️

red pilot
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thank you! I do realise i need to build up my vocab

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how'd you build up such good vocab

bleak phoenix
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The majority of my poems are simple, they do not use rich-filled words that came from the 18th century, all fancy in the making.

red pilot
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but your

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poems feel like they do

bleak phoenix
red pilot
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i mean

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hold on

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i see poems for their feelings

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I KNOW SHOULD STOP RELYING SM ON MY FEELINGS

bleak phoenix
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Not everyone can feel the empathy to the author, but in all cases, Its good to question.

red pilot
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yeah

red pilot
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@solar trench