#One Day Longer

15 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

jolly plume
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One Day Longer

We traded songs, notes drifting through the static,
A melody only we could hear,
a conversation built on what could be.
We talked of meetings, of moments yet to arrive,
but time never quite allowed for it.

He spoke of fire—
how it burned too bright,
how it almost consumed him.
But just before it could,
he turned it off—quit the smoking, the drinking,
found a kind of peace in the quiet.

I thought it meant time had stretched for him,
that he had found the room to breathe
and I didn’t need to rush to reply.
One more day,
maybe two.

But that day,
I paused,
words gathering dust before I could send them.
And he was gone.

A heart that had fought so hard,
gave way in an instant,
and all I was left with
were the echoes of a conversation half-finished.

I never thought it would end like this,
so sudden,
the flame extinguished before I could catch it.
One more message,
one more song shared,
maybe then—maybe then—

But now, all that remains
are embers that never fade,
a wreath too small
to hold what I never said.

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@buoyant sand thanks to your brilliant advice, I present to you my best poem yet (in my humble opinion)
Turns out grief is a great motivator, damn that torturous mistress

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Sorry I hope you don't mind another ping lol, you give great criticism

buoyant sand
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Literature wise, the poem flows well, yet feels rigid like a straight shot. You stayed on topic and never went on a side tangent. The story fits together without error even someone completely disconnected from you and your life could understand and sympathize on some level.

Artistically, again you kept a similar artistic image throughout the whole story of fire, allot of people bring up a visual or auditory descriptor just in the moment and never do much with it. You kept it as a theme, I don’t see that often enough in this server.

Regarding Meter, it’s free form so it’s almost completely irrelevant but still I’ll critique. I like the almost conversational rythym, I feel like if this were spoken to me there would be multiple times I would’ve assumed you were at a full stop but you would’ve added a little bit more. Might not seem like much but if you think about how exactly that conversation would sound, it’s resoundingly hurtful, like your trying to use as many words as you can as to not hold the regret of keeping those words to yourself again. Very very personal and great impact.

My personal favorite parts are the second stanza, and the fifth one.
In the second stanza you wrote it with only two full stop rhymes, one with bright on line 2 and one with quiet on the final line. Though it’s not a perfect rhyme, I love it. I’m not sure if it was intentional but this whole poem, especially there has allot of dissonance. (for lack of a better term.)
Let me explain what I mean, you start off with an “-ire” then hit a “-ight” then later hit a “-uit” and finish it off with “-iet”, all of those can work together although not being perfect for one and another, if your familiar with music at all it’s sort of the same as tonal dissonance. Where they use somewhat unconventional notes/phrasing but still make a satisfying sound in the resolution.

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I like the fifth stanza for the same reason, you use “instant” then use “with” which are not even close, but then when in context of the “half-finished” it feels so resolute, very nice job on that.

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The only trying I can give any negative criticism towards is on the part mentioning smoking and drinking, as it feels quite literal.
You weren’t over literal in this poem at all but that one spot I feel like is the only part where it kinda hurts the final product. Cause although I do like the conversational approach, as I said before, I feel like it could be shortened to “his habits” or something like that. Gives off a more ambiguous blanket term for any sort of harmful tendencies people go through, and it may help other people relate to it more if worded like that. But if your goal wasn’t to have people relate and it was more having people understand, I think you’d be fine not changing it.

buoyant sand
jolly plume
jolly plume
jolly plume
gaunt hornetBOT
buoyant sand
jolly plume
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Ooooooo that's cool!

buoyant sand
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I’m gonna sleep now tho it’s 10am n I’m tire