carmine cargo
My heart bloomed in a rush
sprang from the lightest touch
Your teasing fingers, like a breeze
Our minds float with elegant ease
Bound by love’s unbreakable chain
We can’t be lost, nor feel strain.
There is a flame that feels so right
I wouldn’t want you to take flight.
Long to add you to my to-do
To see, to feel more true
Like the sky at dawn
To you, I’m drawn
strong dawn
what don't you like about it?
torpid shadow
I think it's beautiful
carmine cargo
what don't you like about it?
last stanza and ending dont hit like I want them to hit
carmine cargo
I think it's beautiful
thanks!🩵
carmine cargo
How do you want it to hit?
Like im extremely connected to this person and want to pursue them.
strong dawn
ok, that's what you want to convey, but what do you want it to feel like?
what do you want the audience to feel?
carmine cargo
what do you want the audience to feel?
I mean i wanted to make them laugh with the "add you to my to-do" and then i dont really know. I wanted to make the connection feel like magnets if that makes sense
i dont really know if im answering your question
strong dawn
I mean, kind of
If I were you, I would make it longer, and flesh out the other person
the person who's not the speaker
because right now, I know nothing about said person
it's hard for it to feel like magnets when I don't know anything about them
if that makes sense
carmine cargo
if that makes sense
yes, yes
i will take it into account
also is kind of a "collection"
strong dawn
and with a pull, what sort of language do you think should be used? smooth, no?
terse novaBOT
carmine cargo
also is kind of a "collection"
it goes with other two poems that talk about the same person
strong dawn
it goes with other two poems that talk about the same person
ok, that's fair
carmine cargo
and with a pull, what sort of language do you think should be used? smooth, no?
what do you mean by smooth?
strong dawn
but also, I should be able to feel the emotion in this one even if I haven't read the others... think about if your work was being shared in a high school classroom, would the students understand your poetry?
strong dawn
what do you mean by smooth?
everything flows into each other, nothing feels clunky or awkward
clunky and awkward have their place in poetry, but I would say what you're going for is not that
Correct me if I'm wrong
carmine cargo
clunky and awkward have their place in poetry, but I would say what you're going...
not in this one, no
carmine cargo
but also, I should be able to feel the emotion in this one even if I haven't rea...
you are right, i will try to make it more understandable in that sense
strong dawn
I think the rhyming is a little bit clunky... It's a little bit sacrific-y if that makes sense
carmine cargo
it goes with other two poems that talk about the same person
This two if you want more context btw: https://discord.com/channels/944439929734312006/1330597033089826887 and https://discord.com/channels/944439929734312006/1331466237427056690
carmine cargo
I think the rhyming is a little bit clunky... It's a little bit sacrific-y if th...
sacrific-y why?
strong dawn
for example, you changed the final line from I'm drawn to you to To you, I'm drawn. Not because the poem is better for it, but to fit into your meter
It feels... unnatural, it doesn't match the tone of the rest of the poem imo
Sorry if I come across as mean, I'm not trying to
just trying to help you like your poem more 🙂
carmine cargo
Sorry if I come across as mean, I'm not trying to
not at all, I appreciate the critique
is the only way to improve
carmine cargo
It feels... unnatural, it doesn't match the tone of the rest of the poem imo
i will look into how to make it more natural, but i do want to mantain the rhyme
strong dawn
and that's ok
rhyme is VERY hard to do right
as someone in this server said, it's the cherry on top of a good story, but the nightmare of a bad one
carmine cargo
completly agree
strong dawn
I would say, try to incorporate your rhymes so that they're in natural English
what someone could reasonably say
in real life
and stay away from "poetic sounding" verse
carmine cargo
I would say, try to incorporate your rhymes so that they're in natural English
the thing is im not a native speaker, and sometimes thats tough for me. But i will try
strong dawn
sure
carmine cargo
thank you for your advice!🩵
strong dawn
I believe in you
if you want something practical that you can change about your final stanza now to potentially improve it, without rewriting the whole thing, I would add more syllables
The final line doesn't hit hard because it ends too quickly
you barely have time to think about what is being said before it's over
carmine cargo
I will revise it all tomorrow with a clear mind, now is extremely late for me. I will tag you when I revise if you want. Thank you again for all the advice, really appreciate it!
carmine cargo
Spanish
strong dawn
I see
carmine cargo
You italian?
carmine cargo
I had a class in uni but don't really speak it, extremely similar languages
strong dawn
`yeah
carmine cargo
Hey @strong dawn i revised the poem, let me know your thoughts. I tried adding that description and removing the last stanza with a couplet that I felt flowed better:
Bloomed in a rush. - 2
My heart bloomed in a rush,
sprang from the lightest touch.
Your teasing fingers, like a breeze,
my heart floats with elegant ease
Bound by love’s unbreakable chain,
we can’t be lost, nor feel restrain.
Admiring your hair full of playful twists,
a forest of curls that can’t be missed.
Cozy clothes with hues of fall,
like autumn leaves that softly call.
Opposite to the burst of colour and light
that your spirit shines, bold and bright.
Seasons will change, I hope we remain,
as we should last through sun and rain.
strong dawn
I like that
Just FYI, restrain is not a noun, it's a verb. Easy fix, just make it restraint
It still rhymes
And elegant ease still feels a little unnatural
Otherwise tho, nice job
carmine cargo
Just FYI, restrain is not a noun, it's a verb. Easy fix, just make it restraint
thank you for clarifying!