The Gossamer Soul - Nohi

[zenith remnant]

Open to any feedback or critiques on this poem!

#1318207699803967598

[deft herald]

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[zenith remnant]

@inner venture

@pulsar heron

@daring tangle

~Nohi

[stable kernel]

Beautiful typography!, I love gossamer I had forgotten about that word

blessed poem nohi

[daring tangle]

Beautiful 🙌

[zenith remnant]

Thank you deus!

[zenith remnant]

Thank you aaira!

❤️

[gleaming sinew]

WOW WOW WOW WOW

SO GOOD

Gave me so much inspiration

[zenith remnant]

Omg! thanks for makin' my day by saying this.

means alot!

thank you so much!

Open to any feedback or critiques on this poem!

[gleaming sinew]

I have some small critiques that might just be personal preference.

“Destroyed the frame photo” doesnt really go with the rhythm as “framed photo” has 3 syllables and everything else had 1.

I do think the panic attack stanza could maybe have some more imagery tied to it. For example, maybe connect to shard and broken pieces imagery of the next stanza. But I think playing with text is really good.

I also think you can use a sort of chant like repititon at the end to show all the things that fear does to the boy.
Like
“fear chained his soul”
“And it trapped it soul”
“And it drained his courage”
So on. But I think this last “critiscm” is just really preference because it is good as it is

Hope that was what you are looking for?

[zenith remnant]

thanks for the wonderful critiques!
I will surely work on those minors' mistakes.

[zenith remnant]

yup 100%.

thanks

💚 💚 💚

@acoustic wyvern

:_:

[tawdry igloo]

there's some very brilliant storytelling only possible in the form you've used

👏 👏 👏

sorry for late reply @zenith remnant

[zenith remnant]

im so glad that you liked it !!

thanks

[zenith remnant]

dont be i literally posted it just yesteday lol

@patent spindle

[tawdry igloo]

lol

[inner venture]

the metaphor of the “gossamer soul” is lovely

i was thinking a bit about the line “the gossamer soul remembered” and found that shifting it into the present tense: “the gossamer soul remembers” renders it more powerful, and more continuous. i know you’ve written the entirety of the poem in past tense but i might suggest playing around with that and seeing if you might might like it all or certain lines told in different ways :)

[zenith remnant]

its a great idea

[zenith remnant]

thank you so much ❤️

thanks everyone for reading and for the wonderful critique ❤️

[nova steppe]

Loved it ♥️

[zenith remnant]

thank you sm'

[patent spindle]

Theres an eerie and intriguing flow which seems to shows a new perspective of story telling and messaging. The ideas and repetitions ties in well!