As I Watched You Fly Away

[latent oxide]

I knew this day was coming fast. I knew it'd happen soon, I just couldn't believe how fast it did. I had you yesterday and when I blinked I lost you overnight.

Every treasure I've experienced, every moment I felt, they all lead back to you. Every praised piece of me with no drawbacks.

Everything I was always so proud of.

I watched you, I heard and saw you from your first steps till you walked off that big ceremony stage. I taught you your first words only for you now to leave me speechless.

My beautiful son, you're everything I wanted you to be. Every part, from listening to your teachers yell at you from skipping school, to scolding you for sneaking out at night.

I did it all with a smile.

From riding bikes to driving cars. From scaring girls at school to dancing in matrimony with one. I watched it all, every moment I got home to make dinner and ask you about your day, I want you to know I always made time to tell you how much I loved you.

I'd see myself grow tired in the mirror each day. My face and skin becoming more and more wrinkled. My hair thinner and thinner as the days grew longer and longer all the while I had to make sure I got you everything you needed packed and ready for school the next day. And without a doubt, I'd do it over again if I could.

It would always be worth it.

And now years later, you're already ready to fly away on your own.

You don't need me to teach you anymore.

From the boy I raised and gave the world to the man who showed me the reason for living in it, I know you're gonna be dynamite. The one lesson you never forgot above all else is that the world truly is your oyster, and I can't wait for you to see just how much.

But no matter how old you get, or how much of the world you'll see;

You'll always be my baby boy.

[toxic mulch]

Words of a parent 😆

[latent oxide]

Absolutely

[shy solstice]

I will comment as I read:

"you overnight", I think "my everything" would fit better with the rhyme.

"drawbacks" breaks the rhythm, I personally would find other word.

"speechless" same thing as before.

"to dancing in matrimony with one" I will personally put "to giving her the moon" to create more rhythm again.

Instead of "Always made time to tell you how much I loved you" I would put: "have always cared".

Instead of "more and more wrinkled" I would put "wrinkly with age". The rest of the stanza I would restructure, like the emotions not really the delivery.

why "oyster"?

Lot of feelings, obviously difficult to convey all of them. I personally would make it shorter and add a lot more metaphors/poetic devices. However, keeping it in this form is great, maybe would give it more rhythm with the suggestions above. Overall great

[latent oxide]

Appreciate it boss, I like the idea of having a beat for this style of poem and making it flow more smoothly is also good I just wanted to do this one with more pauses to give the lines more time to sit and think since doing a rhyming scheme would feel more bouncy than heavy (At least given the tone I'm going for). Also oyster is just an expression. That being said I like the critique and for other poems going forward I'd definitely try to use more flowing verses and I'm glad you liked it!

[azure robin]

Hmm..

[shy solstice]

Yea completely get you, just my opinion as an outside reader. Don't have children and never had a similar experience, cant really speak on that but I think is pretty good.