#Metaphysical Frustration Between The Lines

29 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

next pike
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The screen glows in the dark,
A cold witness to the brewing storm inside me.
An eerie glow casted on my
Slightly contorted face,
Each exhale a silent scream
Each click a desperate plea
For coherence
For sense
For anything to make this turmoil
Understandable.

My words struggle like a faulty faucet
Unable to get something flowing out.
These fragments of feelings
I can’t quite label
Too tangled, too deafening
Too much for this blinking cursor

Type.
Delete.
The sound of the backspace key,
A hollow, repetitive click
A metronome of my failure
To bring these feelings into
Something more tangible.
I feel…
This sensation is…
No, this is not good enough—
No, that’s not it—
Delete.
My hands are already shaking
Begging for even the tiniest bit
Of clarity
But all I have are echoes.
Dark circles bloom beneath my
Blood-shot eyes
A testament to battles I’ve fought
Against
Myself,
And lost again.

My bottom lip quivers
Every word feels like treachery
A cheap stand-in for something deeper.
How do you write the weight of yearning?
How do you describe
This…
A heart that’s both
Too full and too shallow?

The blank page
And the blinking cursor
Stares back at me
As if it was mocking me,
How pathetic I am right now.
I wonder if silence is
The truest form of poetry
That I'll ever write.

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someone please give me constructive criticism 🥰

fickle patio
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wow I absolutely love this. the flow in this poem is SO good I couldn’t stop reading. the words you used fit perfectly in this poem. do I have anything negative to say? no not really😂 You really inspired me with this one. It got me thinking yk. great job!!

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cinder eagle
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Second sentence, word slightly, "s" change to lower case because it's not the beginning of a new sentence

silk hearth
cinder eagle
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Ok

next pike
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But I'll make sure to edit it 😄 thanks for your feedback

cinder eagle
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You're welcome

umbral spade
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I really like this one. We’ve all felt this, I’m sure.

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tawdry hinge
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The subtle psychosis that comes with a passionate poet in the heat of the moment. I can tell you’re an aspiring artist and will keep an eye out for new works of yours.

This has a great, horrific, desperate, fragile, helpless tone to it.
Free form, the best way to write imo. So I’m glad this was written as it was.
Every single bit of the poem sounds so true and perfect for what you are trying to say. Except the last line. I think you did a really good job with the idea of what you wanted to say but the way it’s written right now it’s kind of unsatisfying.
Which might be your intention but whatever the case I’ll share my opinion/constructive criticism.

The final stanza in general is pretty unsatisfying in a satisfying way. No meter, and the only things that end in rhyme is the same word twice, “me”. None of that is the problem part.
I was really flowing with the whole poem till that final line, “the truest poem I’ll ever write”.
I see the vision don’t get me wrong, you’re rhyming “right” from line 5 and using it in 7 as “write”.
If it wasn’t the conclusion I would be okay with that. But in this particular execution it just doesn’t work.
I don’t just wanna say do it yourself but to get the message you want you have to decide how/if you will change it.
I will say that before I re-read the poem I read those final two lines as,
“I wonder if silence is- the truest form of poetry.”
As the conclusion sentance it would rhyme with the two “me”s from earlier and it gets the same message across but with a bit more of a hint of ambiguity if the silence has been written. Also since there’s no established meter you don’t have to worry about syllables.

Hope I helped a little, if you have a specific reason that you wrote it like that that I missed lmk so I’m no longer ignorant on your art and have a good day ma’am

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Oh you could also say “the truest form of poetry I will write” just saying.

pure torrentBOT
tawdry hinge
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Also I know it’s just discord and you probably have a better title on the doc but something like this shouldn’t be labeled just “Feelings” it’s to broad girl.
Remember half of interpretation comes with presentation.
If someone made a poem titled “Christmas Cheer” but the poem was about capitalist brainwashing it’s remembered as the poem that criticized companies for giving people a reason to spend big for a holiday.
If a poem is titled “Christmas Cheer” and it’s about all the joy that comes around during Christmas then people remember it as the Christmas poem and the title becomes a little too literal and redundant then gets lost in all the other poems about Christmas.

If you don’t have another working title on docs then work on a title that really breathes some extra perception into the reading process.
If you use something as broad as Feelings, it may cause some of the finer details to be swept under the rug.

The title should be a hint of what to look for while reading!
I guess is what I’m trying to say.

But again I’m just a critic, you do what you feel conveys your message across how you want it to be.

Im just throwing some tips in the wind here.

Keep up the good work!!
👍👍

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tawdry hinge
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Yeah I think it works, but keep thinking.
You’d be surprised how many times you’ll be brainstorming hard about a project and you’ll just be in the shower or taking a deuce and accidentally think of the most PERFECT thing ever.
I think it is okay, but I think it could be better.

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Sorry if I sound rude or anything but I’m trying to be harsh in a respectful manner.
I do care to see you write more and write with new skills and uniqueness. So I try to give input where I believe I can.
My input here is just critique from an internet guy, it would be smart to cross reference my opinions with other people and see if I’m in the minority in how I perceive certain stuff about your work.

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TLDR: yeah that title can work.

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tawdry hinge
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Good luck girl, See you in the post board!

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👍👍

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pure torrentBOT
tawdry hinge
next pike
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okay thank you again! heartpotat