disco ball (wip)

[fading osprey]

@cloud vigil needs some punctuation and flow fixing

first thought

[cloud vigil]

very true, that's often the last thing I do lol cause I'm bad at keeping track of it. Will definitely make some edits in that department

[lone berry]

Honestly I love my mother so I didn’t real feel this . (Unneeded)

[fading osprey]

the imagery you're providing, i think it could be changed... a lot.

ill say this: you could change the imagery and be a bit more different with your wording so that it fits more like it would be mother/daughter

but the fact the experience isn't restricted to mother/daughter means it could lose its impact.

i mean, its somewhat hard to explain, the experience you're speaking of and providing imagery of in this poem is less mother daughter and more like mother/offspring...

if that makes sense?

[cloud vigil]

I mean

I feel like it's a rectangle square situation

[fading osprey]

yea kinda

id say its more so the word choice

if anything

[cloud vigil]

I think I need a more concrete example to really understand what you're getting at

[fading osprey]

hm

im trying to think of one right now so i can write a mini stanza to show

[cloud vigil]

you can always just pick a section from mine to elaborate on what's tripping you up

[fading osprey]

its

the differentiation

its like

you're explaining "1"
but it doesn't feel like it's "1"

because it has nothing that makes it unique...

[cloud vigil]

Gotta be honest homie I understood like 0% of that

unique in what way.

[fading osprey]

the differentiation between a square and a rectangle is that the rectangle's sides aren't equal... your poem has these words and it doesn't feel like "mother daughter" aside from the first few words

[cloud vigil]

When I said rectangle square situation. I meant that a daughter is offspring but an offspring is not always a daughter.
By which I mean. It is a poem about a parent child relationship. I use the word daughter simply because I am a daughter. But also I think there are subtle aspects of mother daughter relationships that don't exist in other parent child relationships.

[fading osprey]

that's

what im trying to get at

you're missing those subtle aspects that differentiate it

BUT

if you're making it about a parent child relationship, then yes it works perfectly fine

i was just under the assumption you wanted to skew towards the mother daughter dynamic

[cloud vigil]

idk that's interesting

[tight rover]

i love this poem a lot and can relate to it, definitely see the vision you're going for

I think the flow could be a little better

And you could expand more on the mother-daughter dynamic and how it exactly relates to the poem

As it is, i think the concept is very vague

[fading osprey]

look at corn hater here repeating what i said somehow

[tight rover]

I think introducing some aspects of what actually differentiates a mother daughter relationship than other parent child relationship

[fading osprey]

okay stop regurgitating

[tight rover]

but other than that I really like it good job! 🫶🏻

[tight rover]

lollll

[fading osprey]

@tight rover go eat some cement

[tight rover]

ah yes but first I must eat oil

[fading osprey]

[cloud vigil]

I think maybe the subtleties I was feeling were not coming through as much as I was feeling. Like to me there is an undercurrent of the ancient and ever mounting dissatisfaction of being a woman and the rage that sufuses all other feelings but I think it may be isn't obvious enough. Like ur right I would have difficulty pulling a quote to textually support that thesis statement

[cloud vigil]

ty both for the feedback

[fading osprey]

yeah... no

that wasn't obvious at all

[cloud vigil]

lol be niccce

[fading osprey]

well im just saying

im trying to be honest so that you can change or hear whats gonna help

if you do want to change or make it fit a specific vision better then im not going to applaud it as it is, when it doesn't meet your vision

[cloud vigil]

my corn friend here was trying to support you and you accused them of regurgitating

[tight rover]

I definitely thought that there's a lot of resentment and guilt that the speaker was trying to convey, but as you said, expand on it more. The feeling that comes with being a daughter and feeling empathy for your mother while still being angry for her actions. That sort of love-hate relationship, and the guilt was definitely there, but could be made to be more obvious.

[cloud vigil]

Ah yes that's exactly what I want to go for, I'll try to build on that

[fading osprey]

i mean i didnt merely accuse them, im just stating what it was. now, im not trying to have an argument or anything so its quite uncalled for for this to have even been said

[cloud vigil]

I promise it's not that serious k
I was just trying to let you know I would prefer you be a bit more gentle about your critique

[tight rover]

happy to have helped :)))

[cloud vigil]

Kindness without honesty is manipulation but honesty without kindness is brutality and all that

[fading osprey]

you bringing up what i said about corn does not let me know that, in any way. if you want me to be gentler then just ask. i speak with clarity so that i can provide you the most help, but if you want it tailored a different way then just say so

i have no qualms changing how i critique, but it doesn't change the fact i was giving you what you initially asked for

[fading osprey]

my honesty is kindness, because if i weren't honest id be robbing you of insight and help towards being better.

while i get what you're trying to say, you're only looking at one side of the coin

[cloud vigil]

I see honesty must be very important to you, and that's admirable because it is very important and useful especially when working together with people. But I also want to let you know that kindness and honesty are not in opposition to each other. They can and often do work in tandem to more effectively convey one's meaning. I do not think the way you communicate is bad or wrong, but I do think it can benefit everyone to take feelings into account in communication. The way we say things can really change the way they are received.

Saying something in a blunt manner isn't bad. But it may create tension depending on the situation and may not help to strengthen rapport that will make working together easier