A gift to you. | The Art of Poetry | Page 1

charred bison Jan 8, 2025, 5:36 AM

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@supple plank Any thoughts on improvement?

worldly breach Jan 8, 2025, 5:46 AM

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One day newbies will learn to link

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You have unnecessary filler words in your first stanza

austere yew Jan 8, 2025, 5:48 AM

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worldly breach One day newbies will learn to link

Newbies?

worldly breach Jan 8, 2025, 5:48 AM

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Plight is not a verb

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So they plight isn't correct

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You use unseen twice very close together

austere yew Jan 8, 2025, 5:48 AM

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Just change “but they” to…. Under

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Or fearing

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Or something

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very BOMBASTIC language

worldly breach Jan 8, 2025, 5:49 AM

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Oh we use unseen thrice actually

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overall as a poem, especially as a gift to someone, it's sweet

charred bison Jan 8, 2025, 5:49 AM

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AHHHHH I GET DESTROYED NOW

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i want to use plight

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the difficult situation

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But i need to rephrase the whole sentence

austere yew Jan 8, 2025, 5:50 AM

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You don’t

worldly breach Jan 8, 2025, 5:50 AM

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Yes

amber wolf Jan 8, 2025, 5:50 AM

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@charred bison

austere yew Jan 8, 2025, 5:50 AM

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Just the start of it

amber wolf Jan 8, 2025, 5:50 AM

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I agree with others, it has some filler words. You can size it down a bit

austere yew Jan 8, 2025, 5:50 AM

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To where its used as an experience, rather than a verb

charred bison Jan 8, 2025, 5:50 AM

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But they plight without his might,

But there is a plight with his might?

worldly breach Jan 8, 2025, 5:50 AM

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but their plight, evident without his might

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Thats

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I mean yes but I personally hate it

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It's too nursery rhyme language for your poem

charred bison Jan 8, 2025, 5:51 AM

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Its the first time i tried to write a poem without actually having my emotions involved

worldly breach Jan 8, 2025, 5:51 AM

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charred bison AHHHHH I GET DESTROYED NOW

you asked a chat with a bunch of high levels

charred bison Jan 8, 2025, 5:51 AM

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Yeah no

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Not complaining!

worldly breach Jan 8, 2025, 5:52 AM

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Why aren't your emotions involved if this poem is for someone

charred bison Jan 8, 2025, 5:52 AM

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Its wrongly worded

amber wolf Jan 8, 2025, 5:52 AM

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charred bison Its the first time i tried to write a poem without actually having my emotions i...

Emotions make the best poems brother

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You can’t make a poem without emotions

worldly breach Jan 8, 2025, 5:52 AM

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If you're writing for someone it's gotta be admiration or spite

charred bison Jan 8, 2025, 5:52 AM

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My emotions are involved, but they are trying to cheer her up. My usual poems (I started 5 days ago) are about my emotions about my depression

austere yew Jan 8, 2025, 5:52 AM

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worldly breach *you asked a chat with a bunch of high levels*

Ehhh, that doesn’t make you a good poet, or analyst

patent maple Jan 8, 2025, 5:52 AM

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I actually really like this

austere yew Jan 8, 2025, 5:52 AM

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Life is beautiful is level 30

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What does he know

patent maple Jan 8, 2025, 5:53 AM

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austere yew Ehhh, that doesn’t make you a good poet, or analyst

Preach

worldly breach Jan 8, 2025, 5:53 AM

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Second last stanza your second right is uppercase

austere yew Jan 8, 2025, 5:53 AM

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patent maple Preach

Thanks jester, you were always there for me

worldly breach Jan 8, 2025, 5:54 AM

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We need to fix the unseen thrice problem

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A blessing unknown to itself, it speaks to no one else🔥

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Favorite line

patent maple Jan 8, 2025, 5:55 AM

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I like this rhyming structure, I think having an extraordinary way of using simple phrases makes it directly come off as more impactful since the poems tone is going for something beautiful

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Honestly I'd keep lines like plight without his might, it's unique and helps it stand out

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It also flows off the tongue at least for me

charred bison Jan 8, 2025, 5:57 AM

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This is overwhelming but so helpful

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Especially you @worldly breach because you know what you are talking about

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and @patent maple thanks for your words!

patent maple Jan 8, 2025, 5:57 AM

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Course brother

charred bison Jan 8, 2025, 5:57 AM

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im not sure where to listen to though. I like her line about plight

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but idk how to write it myself

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i dont want to copy it

austere yew Jan 8, 2025, 5:57 AM

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charred bison but idk how to write it myself

I TOLD YOU

worldly breach Jan 8, 2025, 5:57 AM

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The way you're using it is grammatically incorrect

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You can just have mine if you want it

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I give lines freely, I could make like six other variations

charred bison Jan 8, 2025, 5:58 AM

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I appreciate that! but i want to either rephrase it myself or change it. Copying yours doesnt seem genuine

patent maple Jan 8, 2025, 5:59 AM

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worldly breach The way you're using it is grammatically incorrect

To be fair poems are often using phrases in mismatched ways to help their point get across or for rhyming in fact many poems can just make things up

charred bison Jan 8, 2025, 5:59 AM

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Yours is great though

austere yew Jan 8, 2025, 5:59 AM

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charred bison I appreciate that! but i want to either rephrase it myself or change it. Copying...

?!?! Then just think of a different word? Its legit just one word of a change

elfin nightBOT Jan 8, 2025, 5:59 AM

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*?!?! Then just think of a

different word? Its legit just

one word of a change*

worldly breach Jan 8, 2025, 5:59 AM

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Unseen- concealed, forgotten, missed, overlooked, obscured, veiled, hidden, shadowed,

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It's gotta follow the rhyme scheme Lee

charred bison Jan 8, 2025, 5:59 AM

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But i liked plight ._.

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Its a difficult situation

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It fits so beautifully

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Especially here

worldly breach Jan 8, 2025, 6:00 AM

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Blight

austere yew Jan 8, 2025, 6:00 AM

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charred bison But i liked plight ._.

NO

worldly breach Jan 8, 2025, 6:00 AM

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Blight works

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Blight is about plants

austere yew Jan 8, 2025, 6:00 AM

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IN FRONT OF PLIGHT

worldly breach Jan 8, 2025, 6:00 AM

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It's like wilting or something

austere yew Jan 8, 2025, 6:00 AM

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JUST CHANGE THE START OF THE LINE ITS SO EASY

worldly breach Jan 8, 2025, 6:00 AM

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And you can use it as a verb

austere yew Jan 8, 2025, 6:00 AM

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ROSEY SHUT UP

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god

charred bison Jan 8, 2025, 6:00 AM

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No lee

worldly breach Jan 8, 2025, 6:00 AM

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Sorry

charred bison Jan 8, 2025, 6:00 AM

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She shouldnt

austere yew Jan 8, 2025, 6:00 AM

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Infuriating

charred bison Jan 8, 2025, 6:00 AM

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She gave great input

austere yew Jan 8, 2025, 6:00 AM

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yeah but just yapping

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Constantly man

charred bison Jan 8, 2025, 6:01 AM

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Cry me a river for my flower

austere yew Jan 8, 2025, 6:01 AM

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just change the start of the line

charred bison Jan 8, 2025, 6:01 AM

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Ok wait

patent maple Jan 8, 2025, 6:01 AM

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I'd recommend you sit on it for a bit and see what you yourself enjoy

charred bison Jan 8, 2025, 6:01 AM

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If you are serious i take that back

austere yew Jan 8, 2025, 6:01 AM

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You don’t need to change more than that

charred bison Jan 8, 2025, 6:01 AM

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(real hater) makes you unserious

patent maple Jan 8, 2025, 6:02 AM

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Poetry is for you if you like it a certain way then you ain't gotta change and if you want to you got all the time in the world to do so

charred bison Jan 8, 2025, 6:02 AM

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I literally dont. Its 7am lmao

austere yew Jan 8, 2025, 6:02 AM

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patent maple Poetry is for you if you like it a certain way then you ain't gotta change and i...

Yeah but if something literally doesn’t make grammatical sense… and its for someone

charred bison Jan 8, 2025, 6:02 AM

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I just wantned to create something to cheer her up about the convo we had earlier.

austere yew Jan 8, 2025, 6:03 AM

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I would definitely try and rectify that lol

patent maple Jan 8, 2025, 6:03 AM

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Fair enough

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Also I wrote something just now that I'd like to hear y'all's thoughts on as well if you get the chance

charred bison Jan 8, 2025, 6:04 AM

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Bro its 7am. Dont advertise poems on my poem SobbinTheLanaDelReyOut

supple plank Jan 8, 2025, 6:04 AM

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But they plight without his might, - but they fight without his might

charred bison Jan 8, 2025, 6:05 AM

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Now i need to listen

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@supple plank NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

worldly breach Jan 8, 2025, 6:05 AM

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but they face plight, without his might

charred bison Jan 8, 2025, 6:05 AM

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NOOOO

supple plank Jan 8, 2025, 6:05 AM

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???

charred bison Jan 8, 2025, 6:05 AM

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I didnt even start revising it

worldly breach Jan 8, 2025, 6:05 AM

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We're not allowed to change the word plight Vindi

charred bison Jan 8, 2025, 6:05 AM

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Now i need to think of something else else else and another else

supple plank Jan 8, 2025, 6:05 AM

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worldly breach We're not allowed to change the word plight Vindi

oh i didnt know that he asked for improvements

worldly breach Jan 8, 2025, 6:05 AM

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Gotta read the comments

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Tsk tsk

supple plank Jan 8, 2025, 6:06 AM

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i wasnt about to read 30+ messages

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lol

worldly breach Jan 8, 2025, 6:06 AM

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We've been on that one line for like ten minutes

charred bison Jan 8, 2025, 6:06 AM

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A quiet plight, without his might,

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How about this?

worldly breach Jan 8, 2025, 6:06 AM

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Yes

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I like it

charred bison Jan 8, 2025, 6:06 AM

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A quiet flower. Its perfect

patent maple Jan 8, 2025, 6:06 AM

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That works

charred bison Jan 8, 2025, 6:06 AM

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Does it even make sense. Im not sure anymore

worldly breach Jan 8, 2025, 6:07 AM

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A quiet difficult situation, without his might

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Yes

charred bison Jan 8, 2025, 6:07 AM

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First unseen

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Unknown to them all,

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Second one

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In shade still worrying.

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Third unseen

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yet there it sits.

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screw unseen

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you are right @worldly breach

worldly breach Jan 8, 2025, 6:08 AM

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Woooo

charred bison Jan 8, 2025, 6:09 AM

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which filler words in my first stanza?

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Tbh

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no clue what exactly a stanza is

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Thought it is,
this.

worldly breach Jan 8, 2025, 6:09 AM

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A group of lines

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Hello I am
A stanza
Woo

This is
The next
Stanza

charred bison Jan 8, 2025, 6:09 AM

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Yeah the first paragraph (Or stanza) doesnt really flow well

worldly breach Jan 8, 2025, 6:10 AM

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A beautiful flower bloomed, cherished by some, This flower, she doesn't know it yet, But she is cherished by many - she's just blind to it.

charred bison Jan 8, 2025, 6:10 AM

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A beautiful flower bloomed, cherished by some,
This flower doesn’t know it yet,
But still cherished by many- Just blind to it.

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Or at the last line she?

worldly breach Jan 8, 2025, 6:11 AM

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Bolded is unnecessary, because you're saying the exact same thing twice

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You gotta say two different things

charred bison Jan 8, 2025, 6:12 AM

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A beautiful flower bloomed, cherished by some,
A flower that doesn’t know it yet,
Though still cherished by many- Just blind to it.

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Nah The middle one doesnt flow

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Now i did cherished.....

worldly breach Jan 8, 2025, 6:13 AM

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A beautiful flower bloomed, forgotten by few,
Soft petals unknowing,
A flower cherished by many - only blind to love

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For inspiration

charred bison Jan 8, 2025, 6:13 AM

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A flower bloomed, cherished by some,
Not knowing yet,
Though still cherished by many- Just blind to it.

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?

worldly breach Jan 8, 2025, 6:14 AM

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Lowercased just

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If you like it I like it

charred bison Jan 8, 2025, 6:14 AM

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I confused myself

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Revising is soooo hard for meeeeee

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I just write and never look back, but i want to make this one better....

worldly breach Jan 8, 2025, 6:15 AM

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Honest opinion

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Change the whole thing except the first line

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Just new idea it

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For the first stanza not the entire poem

charred bison Jan 8, 2025, 6:15 AM

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Lol

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I was about to say xd

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A beautiful flower, cherished by none,
Blooming in the sun - unknown, but still seen by one.

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Just written

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But this changes it to a love letter

worldly breach Jan 8, 2025, 6:17 AM

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Is it not a love letter

charred bison Jan 8, 2025, 6:17 AM

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and not something universal and uplifting

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Its not

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Its to make her feel better

worldly breach Jan 8, 2025, 6:17 AM

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Is that not

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Sorta the same thing

charred bison Jan 8, 2025, 6:18 AM

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Well yes but not romantic love

worldly breach Jan 8, 2025, 6:18 AM

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Your line kinda says you're a flower, nobody cherishes you but I like you

charred bison Jan 8, 2025, 6:18 AM

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This one?

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A beautiful flower, cherished by none,
Blooming in the sun - unknown, but still seen by one.

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Because thats NOT the vibe i want to give lol

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I want it to be universal and obviously a part of the cherish is me

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But its not a love letter. Its a feel good kind of thing. You are not alone

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Wait. Can i even send this? Am i writing a love letter?

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I already sent a lot of poems to her. If that helps in the question.

worldly breach Jan 8, 2025, 6:21 AM

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You've invented such a hard rhyme scheme

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Bump

charred bison Jan 8, 2025, 6:21 AM

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I didnt even think about a rhyme scheme 😭

worldly breach Jan 8, 2025, 6:21 AM

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You have three rhyming words in your stanza

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So me trying to replicate it keeps failing

charred bison Jan 8, 2025, 6:22 AM

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Im new to this

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I have been on this for an hour now including this help (which is truly much appreciated)

limpid charmBOT Jan 8, 2025, 6:22 AM

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charred bison I have been on this for an hour now including this help (which is truly much app...

Wonderful! @charred bison has just pregressed to level 10!

worldly breach Jan 8, 2025, 6:22 AM

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A beautiful flower bloomed, cherished by sun,
This flower, unknowing that
She is cherished by many, especially one

charred bison Jan 8, 2025, 6:23 AM

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I actually thought about the first line

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So i will just say i didnt copy it and i will change one to some

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Is the rest ok?

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A gift to you.

I don’t have much - but one thing.

A beautiful flower bloomed, cherished by sun, This flower, unknowing that She is cherished by many, especially some.

Tall she stands, regarding others,
No thought to herself, just to someone else.

A sowing seed one day in need,
Confused, attacked by the one she seeks,
Being drowned by the water she meets.

A Gardener that does not know its seeds,
Flowers blooming left and right,
A quiet plight, without his might,
Beauty sprouts, unknown through his shouts.

Turmoil in the garden creates unforeseen things.

A flower blooming tall,
Unknown to them all,
Watered and growing - In shade still worrying.
Nourished and rich - yet there it sits.
Rotten by the water - nourished by its friends.

Right here, Right now, there is a flower above them all,
A blessing unknown to itself, it speaks to no one else,
Grace given by just itself, it grows further,
towering anyone else.

Still, there is something more,
It looks around but there is just a shore,
Just one flower growing tall,
asking for nothing at all.

A beautiful flower, cherished by none,
Blooming in the sun - unknown, but still seen by one.

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And yes

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That last line is intentional

worldly breach Jan 8, 2025, 6:24 AM

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Fix the spacing

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But yes I like it

charred bison Jan 8, 2025, 6:24 AM

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Because it was a conversation between us. Thats why i write it.

elfin nightBOT Jan 8, 2025, 6:24 AM

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*Because it was a

conversation between us.

Thats why i write it.*

charred bison Jan 8, 2025, 6:25 AM

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How do you write the spacing then?

worldly breach Jan 8, 2025, 6:25 AM

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Enter after sun, and that

charred bison Jan 8, 2025, 6:25 AM

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Just remove it?

worldly breach Jan 8, 2025, 6:25 AM

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What

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A beautiful flower bloomed, cherished by sun,
This flower, unknowing that
She is cherished by many,
Especially some

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Or

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A beautiful flower bloomed, cherished by sun,
This flower, unknowing that
She is cherished by many, especially some

charred bison Jan 8, 2025, 6:26 AM

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Ohhh yeah sorry

worldly breach Jan 8, 2025, 6:26 AM

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I vote first option

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Satisfying layout

charred bison Jan 8, 2025, 6:26 AM

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A beautiful flower bloomed, cherished by sun,
This flower, unknowing that
She is cherished by many, especially some.

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I copied it from discord (Thanks for that)

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And discord cant just clear copy it without code

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So i didnt realize

worldly breach Jan 8, 2025, 6:27 AM

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Interesting

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Happy with poem?

charred bison Jan 8, 2025, 6:27 AM

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Yes

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But do you still like this?

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A beautiful flower bloomed, cherished by some,
This flower, unknowing that
She is cherished by many, especially the sun.

worldly breach Jan 8, 2025, 6:27 AM

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NoizeLoves

charred bison Jan 8, 2025, 6:27 AM

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Because i feel bad for just copying it

worldly breach Jan 8, 2025, 6:27 AM

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Of course

charred bison Jan 8, 2025, 6:28 AM

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This is my work, and not my 9 and yours /1

worldly breach Jan 8, 2025, 6:28 AM

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I actually really like yours

charred bison Jan 8, 2025, 6:28 AM

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Thank you!

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but should i put a comma to the "Unknowing that" part?

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like "Uknowing that,"

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or do i use too many commas overall?

worldly breach Jan 8, 2025, 6:29 AM

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I think the formatting is relatively fine

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Yes comma after unknowing that

woeful terrace Jan 8, 2025, 6:35 AM

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This is beautiful! Just a couple things:
I don’t have much - but one thing.

A beautiful flower bloomed, cherished by some,
This flower, she doesn’t know it yet,
But she is cherished by many - she’s just blind to it.

Tall she stands, regarding others,
No thought to herself, just (<- change word ((only??)) because you just used this word) to someone else.

A sowing seed one day in need,
Confused, attacked by the one she seeks,
Being drowned by the water she meets.

A Gardener that does not know its seeds,
Flowers blooming left and right,
But they plight without his might,
Beauty sprouts, unknown through his shouts.

Turmoil in the garden creates unforeseen things.

A flower blooming tall,
Unseen by them all,
Watered and growing - unseen, and worrying.
Nourished and rich - yet (<- delete to achieve a better repeat effect) unseen it sits.
Rotten by the water - nourished(<- change to unseen for repeat effect) by its friends.(<- could change to something else if changing nourished to unseen)

Right here, Right now, there is a flower above them all,
A blessing unknown to itself, it speaks to no one else,
Grace given by just itself, it grows further,
towering anyone else.

Still, there is something more,
It looks around but there is just a shore,
Just one flower growing tall,
asking (<- change to asks) for nothing at all.

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I took a more of a school editing aproach if thats okay. Also these are all just suggestions! No pressure! I think its beautiful and so sweet. You write amaxing imagery

charred bison Jan 8, 2025, 6:36 AM

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I will read it in 5 minutes!

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Lovely rosey is currently having a recitel of her poem

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i will react to it in a bit @woeful terrace !!!!

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Im sorry!!!

woeful terrace Jan 8, 2025, 6:49 AM

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Oh no dont worry!

#A gift to you.