A Tragic Comedy of Me

[ancient gate]

@prisma lotus @olive apex @lucid stratus

[ionic surge]

Something about the presentation... It honestly feels detached from what you're trying to get across. I'm not sure exactly how, but it might be because you employ the same meter throughout the piece.

[ancient gate]

would you help with suggestions on how to make it better

[ionic surge]

I think you should free write a bit without worrying about rhymes. There are some clunky lines in there that undercut the piece like,

"Just five more minutes" I say with a grin

[ancient gate]

thanks....I'd revise and make adjustments

[ionic surge]

I don't really get a sense of the emotion behind inaction.

[ancient berry]

*I don't really get

a sense of the emotion

behind inaction.*

- dynamic_editor

[ionic surge]

Like, do your legs grow stiff, hands can't reach? Even playing with some exaggerated phrases can give people a better sense of the emotion behind it, even if they're not technically true.

[ancient gate]

Thanks again

[olive apex]

I agree with Jasmine on that whole over rhyming thing. It doesn’t need perfect rhymes to be a spectacle. I don’t think it’s a bad thing to do sometimes cause it really does give off the sense of how the older rappers used to write. I can’t relate with the message much so I don’t know how to criticize it effectively at all. But overall while reading I enjoyed it through. There were a few bumpy parts but after a second it would make sense to me again.