#STRICKEN SILENCE

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outer leaf
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This mask is tired.
Broken and shattered,
and with these shards
I ask of you;

Watch the world through my eyes.
Graze the ground with these lenses—
Watch as those parasites travel every inch
of vein and vessel to burrow beneath bone.

Listen, to the voices who choose to speak.
Strictly the one who screams, who tells you
to scrape what’s stopping you bleed
until there is left but nothing.

You all have taken tokens of flesh
with faces previously pressed against muscle
only revealed to you once you’ve scurried
with a slice of a life you’d never expect.

Now you beg to return, to refuse
what was once cradled within
by the scratching sound
of stricken silence.

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outer leaf
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lean drift
tawny canopy
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Based

valid coral
placid jacinth
# outer leaf This mask is tired. Broken and shattered, and with these shards I ask of you; ...

Positive Feedback

You start off with a bang! "This mask is tired." It can either mean, like, this mask is tired as in without energy, but also tired as in something I am tired of, worn out...

I like your shorter lines/phrases in the first stanza, I think it helps sort of ease the reader into the rest of your poem

"Watch as those parasites travel every inch
of vein and vessel to burrow beneath bone." 1. Nice alliteration! 2. That's such a vivid mental image! 3. I love your word choice here, it creates this sort of eerie tone, from the words parasite to vessel, and then burrowing beneath bone...

I like how stanza 2 begins with watch and stanza 3 begins with listen, helps create that cohesion of the narrator asking the reader for something

I overall really love the third stanza, "to scrape what's stopping you bleed" is like, very metal and hardcore and I'm sad I didn't come up with that

"tokens of flesh" is so very interesting. So far the poem has created this almost body horror aesthetic through your deliberate word choice and the phrases you use.

"with a slice of a life you'd never expect." THIS. This line like... It fascinates me. Usually I think of "slice of life" as like, a genre of fiction just showing day to day activities, but I feel like it can also apply as something far more gory here

"by the scratching sound
of stricken silence." Is not only a wonderful note to end on for that tone, but it's also a title drop as the last line, which I just. Love.

the image you attached is so cute

Overall

You create a ton of cohesion and consistency between lines, and I really like your choice to keep it free verse instead of forcing your concept into a rhyme scheme. I love so many of these lines and the overall vibe of your poem is dark, but not explicit.

outer leaf
placid jacinth
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(normally I have a far shorter section for Critical Feedback, but I didn't really find anything wrong with your poem <3)

outer leaf
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Let me tag you in another poem or two, you don’t need to give the same amount of feedback but I’d appreciate a read yummy