#MOONS COMFORT

4 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

mellow stratus
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*The night was invisible, swallowed whole by a moonless void,
Revelry spilled from a dimly lit bedroom,
Muffled talks about fractures clashing with breaking glass,
Where cheap wine stained the floors and voices rose sharp and filled with gloom,
Cutting through the silence like shattered mirrors that shouldn't get a pass.

Children cowered in corners,
Their small hands pressed to ears,
Hoping to drown out the chaos of parents drunk on bitterness and regret.
The absence of the moon felt deliberate as if she had turned her face away in shame and tears,
Leaving the world to wallow in its darkness and neglect.

Shadows flickered in the haze of cigarette smoke,
But no light broke through,
Only whispers of the past routine danced on the edge of nightmares,
Only the suffocating weight of a sky that refused to glow and can only lose,
A silence that refused to comfort and now the children don't know how long they can even bear.

I||n the smothering dark,
The children dreamed of escape—violent, desperate.
One whispered of knives, another of poison,
Their thoughts dance between killing him or vanishing themselves both choices beautifully separate,
Both paths, soaked in silence all of which is in foison.||
*

stable garnet
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thank you for sharing your poem! The narrative of the poem is clear, solid work using the stanzas to logically separate the ideas/scenes.

In the first stanza, the first two lines are smooth and cohesive, whereas the remaining lines are like fragments of sentences. Either is totally fine, but to make this stanza flow better I think it would be good to try and keep the sentence structure more consistent. Maybe only one line should be different to make it stand out?

Thanks again for sharing your poem!

Word of the day for me was foison, roughly meaning abundance.

mellow stratus
stable garnet
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I always recommend reading your poem out loud, that always helps me!

For this poem in particular, I’d also really recommend reading The Raven by Edgar Allen Poe. It has a narrative just like your poem, and it slowly reveals it wonderfully while maintaining a consistent rhythm. I think a more consistent rhythm within stanzas is where I’d recommend working. Hope this helps!