#Pacified

15 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

open cloak
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Backward laws and banished hopes,
Unjust enough to boil the blood,
As in dead earth, a conscience copes,
The poppies wither into mud.

Myths that soothe, die at a glance,
Jokes prick the mind but still the heart,
To watch and pass, at every chance,
To tear a rotten world apart.

And from their core: the beggars cry,
To ears that hear but do not heed,
To fight the solid, stable lie,
That all that drives the world is greed.

untold temple
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Yeah i agree its not very funny

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Pretty good though

open cloak
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@zealous holly fire away. Can't make an omelette without breaking some legs.

untold temple
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Yk what after a few hours of thinking, this poem is pretty funny

ebon jettyBOT
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*Yk what after a

few hours of thinking, this poem

is pretty funny*

- Lee (Real Hater)
zealous holly
fringe flint
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Horshie

zealous holly
# open cloak Backward laws and banished hopes, Unjust enough to boil the blood, As in dead ea... 
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1] "boil THE blood" is incredibly forced don't you think? (perhaps for rhymescheme- or simply an oversight- it's just too forced and at a poetic/grammatical level, quite displeasing).

2] "dead earth" is alright but- I really think there are much much less cliché (and less filler-looking) terms/phrases available- cmon- you managed to say so much thru so little throughout the poem- "dead earth"? You can do better.

***slightly picky criticisms***

3] "Myths that sooth die at a glance" can REALLY use a bit of punctuation.

4] The first line is so incredibly cliché- the words used are nothing special and the topic isn't the most hooking- BUT since the piece is quite short- I wouldn't mind the first few lines not really "hooking".

5] The title is just. no. (Pick something that actually relates and something that matches the tone of the poem itself).
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The first stanza starts out weak but still a great job with this piece nonetheless.

and;

The last two stanzas are generally very nice, compact, get the job done- and well.

I really like:
"..Jokes prick the mind but still the heart.."
very well done-


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have a great day- cheers-
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(sorry again for the delay mate- 💀)

open cloak
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Pacified

open cloak
# zealous holly ``` --- 1] "boil THE blood" is incredibly forced don't you think? (perhaps for...

Yeah you found the line I thought was strongest strongest too, 'Jokes prick the mind but still the heart.' You've identified my aim with this piece quite well, which was to condense as much meaning as possible into as short and choppy jabs as I could - and I would agree that I did fail in the first stanza on reflection, as at least the first two lines certainly feel a bit reaching. You're right about the cliche too... Might benefit from a cheeky rework.

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also title was a joke

zealous holly