Mariana Trench 🌊

[wanton palm]

@tough willow has sent a notification! - @trail hazel

[trail hazel]

First

[tough willow]

Hai🙏

🔥🔥🔥

[copper sequoia]

I like this piece. Although I must admit, that its specific implementation could be more expressive, the theme is conveyed fluidly.
The second stanza is probably the strongest in the depth of the imagery; it paints a very vivid picture, one which you'd like to stay immersed into.
Yet, the poem flows further, and the third stanza feels like a small detour. Its somewhat bland language, and vague, remiss intention could benefit from tightening them up. I wish you could go on with the structure of the previous verse. Say the same thing, but with the powerful tools you showed you can apply.
The finale is quite strong though — even better without the context, I think, in its universality. This fear of something entirely alien, built on principles so contrary to our experience, is very human, and very relatable; you can apply these words to animals from Mariana, or other cultures, or inner worlds of our close ones, that are sometimes as incomprehensible to us, as the beings of dark.

[trail hazel]

Its beautiful and haunting at the same time

I like it

[tough willow]

Where do you think I could improve?

[tough willow]

Got it as inspo from geography textbook🙏

🤡

Probably the last poem im writing

[trail hazel]

Its like a deep dive into the ocean, but instead of fish, its full of big, scary ideas and stuff

[tough willow]

For next two weeks😭

[tough willow]

FR THATS WHAT I THINK OF IT😭

Bro its like im more afraid of whats in that trench than being scared of the ocean 💀

[trail hazel]

😭

[tough willow]

🙏🙏🙏

[trail hazel]

Well written

[tough willow]

Thanks 👍

[copper sequoia]

You have essentially three similar, but different stories in all three stanzas, barring the introduction:

• monumentality and scale of elements — very impressive, very haunting;
• comparatively little we know of the world, and its elements — possible development, but in my opinion, a weaker one;
• and fear of living things that can survive in there — another development, a better fit, but still a step aside.
  Your poem is simply not long enough to bear the weight of all three, which means that neither are explored well. Stick to one and dig deeper, as hard as you are able to, to extract some truth about it, or feeling, or opinion. Or devote more than several lines to each, which will balloon the length, of course.
  And, as I said, to my taste, the second verse is the best — it uses powerful images, and conveys very well the feeling of being incomprehensibly smaller than whatever goes on in there. Rhetoric questions down the line are sometimes a good device, but when used without caution, feel toothless. And the closing statement is quite striking, if less articulate, and works as a so-to-speak intellectual jump scare, but could be integrated better into what was said before.

[tough willow]

I will keep that in mind, thank you for the feedback !

I do agree with you though

I did kinda lack in the third stanza

I didnt really know what else to write so yeah

Thank you for the feedback ^_^

[trim patrol]

I LOVE horror, so yes, by default I love this too lol