#黑海

94 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

turbid lark
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<<Black Sea of Stars>>

                               黑星海

Repose, I shall, by this black sea -
where the wistful winds have blown past me,
the shrouding of tides ruefully sweep -
engulfing, once doleful, my heart shall weep

        for the solemn sea, beginning to bleed;
      calm ripples of skies disrupted by greed,
    her defiled screams, under unsoulful hands -
  by the feathers of ravens from another land.

finer are the sands that rustle harshly,

and her tidings, and loneliness sweep in;
enveloping me in her bitter waters -

"Dearest...
My black sea,
forgive these children -

May my tears accompany
and soothe your shores, like our last
memory of December."

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@obtuse cape @violet bison @zealous pawn @rocky quiver @hearty knot

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@rocky quiver @sage abyss @left thorn @brittle scarab

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@lapis raptor @fallow ridge
@ember elbow @keen holly

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@velvet wave @hazy hill @glad peak @cursive dust

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@rocky quiver @rugged lintel @white quartz

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@shell narwhal @supple marsh @clear kestrel @sleek jackal @amber kernel

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@gilded lynx
@violet tree
@crimson lagoon @still hare

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@solemn leaf @bleak crag @strong talon @wooden vortex

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@mental siren @golden ivy @visual zephyr @pearl zealot @bleak crag

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@sturdy drum @violet scarab @scenic dock @lunar dawn @visual stag

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@stiff cape @fossil maple @grizzled linden @lime cargo @wanton crypt

inland solstice
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You already know I love this, no comment

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No need

static roverBOT
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@ember elbow is now following @turbid lark.

pallid talon
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Kūra Umi.

ember elbow
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Alvy, do start making use of the @static rover bot rather than mass-pinging ^^

pallid talon
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I liked it.

ember elbow
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just as a reminder

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we've updated!

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tagging individually is totally cool, but the mass pings are more discouraged now

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AND NOW I READ

inland solstice
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I still feel like it's about a mother

turbid lark
turbid lark
turbid lark
pallid talon
turbid lark
turbid lark
pallid talon
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Dude, why are you asking me! I know nothing much of poetry!

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But I guess... You could move the structure here and there.

turbid lark
turbid lark
pallid talon
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The grammar, you could use a few things like Litosis and Inversion in a better way. OH! Inversion and Passion voice is different! Just saying!

turbid lark
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Worryingly, Idk what those four terms mean

urban dawnBOT
turbid lark
turbid lark
hearty knot
static roverBOT
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@hearty knot is now following @turbid lark.

turbid lark
hearty knot
pallid talon
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Black then... I dk that character. Then star then sea?

rocky quiver
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Not only is it a guide, but the message is also useful enough to carry us through the song. The words dance, the last verses have an impact, and they're laced with something almost somber, which also pulls our attention.

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And that conditions it extremely well to give us a radiant, calm aura that doesn't go beyond its own limits. This is definitely something I like and which obviously makes me attentive to this beautiful piece of art.

turbid lark
ember elbow
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In the first six verses, there's assonance in all the ending rhymes, with the /iː/ sound. This makes the rhymes super elegant and fluid and helps to subtly bind those lines together - you've got the perfect rhymes (sea/me, sweep/weep/ and bleed/greed), and then their shared vowel sound. I find that a great bonus for the way the poem reads NoizeLoves
The typography and line breaks feel nice and natural everywhere, too, not forced at all. I will say that I'm a fan of the lineation here: ""Dearest.../ My black sea,/ forgive these children -"". It's written out in a really intuitive way that is great for anyone who may recite this piece. I can totally imagine the cadence and intonation to use for a narration of this. Not to mention, I just like how you leave suspense after "dearest" - it's a really good word to follow up with a caesura.

I like your imagery, nice and sensory without being over-the-top. You've got a good balance between words like "ruefully", "doleful", "wistful", and plenty of simple but effective words: sea, ripples, ravens, children. The repetition of "sea" is pretty logical, given the title, and it's just a good word to bring back a few times - you're keeping the theme present the whole time. Though chaotic, stream-of-consciousness poems can be FANTASTIC, I am a pretty big sucker for works that stick more or less to one theme (or at least define a theme and return to it eventually). Yours does that super well! You're using the semantic field of the sea the whole time: winds, tides, sea, ripples, sands, waters... etc etc. The reader stays by the imagined shore the whole time, and imo it's lovely 🩷

I don't have much constructive criticism for you except maybe the very beginning. "A repose, I shall, by this black sea" just doesn't make much grammatical sense. I'd recommend using repose as a verb so that you just have Repose, I shall, by this black sea.

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Also about the verse length, I'd recommend evening out the number of syllables a bit - you don't have to be rigorous about it, but you have instances like this : "for the solemn sea, they have made bleed-/the calm ripples of skies disrupted by greed" where the syllables are kinda uneven. It's not bad in itself and doesn't really hurt the poem in its totality, it may just sound kinda clunky read aloud.

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I gave narrating this piece a try and thought it was a little distracting, but again, it's not catastrophic lol

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the last two stanzas are awesome though, don't change those! you've got heptasyllabic lines in the last stanza anyway :P

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but most importantly:

RAHHHHHHHH GREAT JOB ALVYYY

turbid lark
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Thank you for the feedback and concise critism!!! THANK YOUUUUUUheartpotat heartpotat heartpotat heartpotat

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Ive edited some lines as per your feedbackfoxRave

ember elbow
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sorry i took forever to get to reviewing one of your poems blursob i promise i read your stuff, i just don't get to reviewing that much anymore

turbid lark
ember elbow
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ty for sharing!

pallid talon
turbid lark
pallid talon
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let my stuff get sorted, when I will come back, I will surpass Val, dw.

ember elbow
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this is how i review

pallid talon
ember elbow
mental siren
lapis raptor
# turbid lark <<Black Sea of Stars>> ...

Firstly, loveeeeee the typography. The rhyming is also perfectly done and I always adore when vocabularies entwine with perfect flow and rhythm in poetry and your diction is always just as good 👊. Structurally, great job.
Coming to the content and use of literary devices, the use imagery and the metaphors herr are LOVELY. I love how the entire picture of misery, agony, soulful solitude is crafted beautifully throughout the poem. As always, awesome Alvy!!

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I am honestly jealous and proud of how perfectly you guys do it OMG

turbid lark
turbid lark
hazy hill
obtuse cape
# turbid lark <<Black Sea of Stars>> ...

Repose, I shall, by this black sea -
where the wistful winds have blown past me,
the shrouding of tides ruefully sweep -
engulfing, once doleful, my heart shall weep
wow that is so beautiful and well penned

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and the structure does give it that ebb and flow

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with the washing waves

visual stag
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I really love this poem !

turbid lark
turbid lark
lapis bramble
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and your imagery conveys so much emotion in a subtle way; not unlike a surface of water hinting at the depths underneath

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i do think, however, that your rhythm falters a bit around “by the feathers of ravens, from another land” - the comma feels unnecessary

turbid lark
turbid lark
rugged lintel
turbid lark
rugged lintel
golden ivy
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Beautiful

uneven mirageBOT
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👋 | @golden ivy, Welcome back!

You've been away for 1 hour, 38 minutes and 16 seconds. How was your sleep?
Your afk status was: Munching butter om nom nom

turbid lark
fossil maple
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This mostly focus on the sea, black may at night. The area is not were many visits. It focus on winter theme and it describes subsequent images which are conveying nostalgic depressive thought.
But overall this can be facade or describing a person. And the narrator is relating to the person and sea.
This is very good work which is missing typography and image to increase it appeal more

turbid lark
shell narwhal
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proven yourself great again

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a piece worthy of thy name @turbid lark

crimson lagoon
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nice poem as alaways alvy !!!