#Third time trying poetry, would like some opinions on my start

225 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

autumn echo
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Writing this for a girl who really likes poetry so im trying to impress her

A simple word may dance from her lips
light like a feather yet it hits like a brick
a symphony to the ears, my heart does flips

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i probably shouldve finished the stanza, so just assume the last line is "like a sailor to a siren I fear its a trick"

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its a rough draft

molten wraith
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aw cute

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I like it

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idk if it'll impress her, it depends on how into poetry she is, but I think she'll definitely find it endearing

meager meteor
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theres a good start here, but i feel like u can explore these themes a lot more

  1. a simple word may dance from her lips
    how does words dance from lips? its interesting and a bit strange, which i think i a good starting point, but i dont get the feeling that the words in this poem are dancing. try some motion words! instead of simple, maybe 'sway', 'swinging' etc
  2. light as a feather yet it hits like a brick
    this sentence is rly solid. sounds good, has fun contrast, solid.
  3. a symphony to the ears, my heart does flip
    cute! u could add some sound as well to emphasise this point, like alliteration or assonance. these are just some thoughts!
    i agree w CalebR123, very endearing
autumn echo
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Trying to go for a fun vibe

meager meteor
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hell yeah! thanks for the poem!

molten wraith
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and if she isn't endeared then she's a poetic snob, and you probably dodged a bullet

autumn echo
viscid river
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DUDE YOU JUST STARTED!? This is nice as hell already bruh, however, to make it catchable or readable by "her", you gotta have a theme in mind, something she likes would suffice, so that the references can build up together.

autumn echo
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Dense emptiness, the trees stared down,

Devoid of song, a melody withdrawn.

Drifting along the floor, a defended frown,

Determined for success, yet only a pawn.

Dancing gently, a small rose stood tall,

A soft waltz, as if dreaming of a ball.

Slowly, her dance lit up the bush,

A symphony arose, a sight to behold.

An outstretched hand, a gentle push,

Color sprouted, a new life to unfold.

His shield cracked, a smile allowed to form,

Though both imperfect, he clung to her thorn. (edited)
Jump

molten wraith
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To get a better idea of your skill and what you can improve on so you can ACTUALLY impress her, you'd need to make a longer poem and post it here

autumn echo
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Her voice, a melody, ravishing,
Words carrying weight, not fluff
A tender heart, brandishing
A soul that fears it's not enough

Her intellect, one to admire,
A light not unlike stars at night
Cunning, sharp like a live wire
Beauty that burns, fierce but bright

Her nervous laugh, misplaced so sweetly,
The quirks in her speech, a blessed accident,
Swelling up emotions that engulf me completely,
A word slips, but still organized as a sacrament.

Her beauty, a gem, unprecedented,
Comparable to a sunset, leaving me stifled.
A vivid painting left on my mind, indented—
One would not dare say it’s trifled. (edited)

1

autumn echo
autumn echo
autumn echo
molten wraith
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You are surprisingly good at rhyming

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way better than most new poets

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at least in the first one you wrote

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the second one isn't as good rhyming imo

autumn echo
molten wraith
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The rule of thumb I use for rhyming is no appendixes

viscid river
molten wraith
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don't add a comma and an entirely different clause to create a rhyme

autumn echo
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thats a big issue and she mentioned it

molten wraith
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because that's how it's forced

autumn echo
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I tried to not do that in this one so im going a little slower

molten wraith
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my heart does flips is def an appendix

autumn echo
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Is it like an unspoken rule, no appendix at all or just best to avoid

molten wraith
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yep

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well, you can add appenices sometimes, but save that for when you know what you're doing a little more

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like any skill, start with the basics, branch out, then go back to making the basics cool

autumn echo
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how would you say I should go at reconstructing line 3 then

toxic ginkgoBOT
autumn echo
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A simple word may dance from her lips
light like a feather yet it hits like a brick
a symphony to the ears making my heart do flips

molten wraith
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Something that helped me when starting was to give the first thing a verb that the second thing can also do

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for rhyming

autumn echo
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Even if its something abstract, like a heart doing flips?

molten wraith
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yeah

autumn echo
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This isnt obviously what Id do, but i could say like the words jump making my heart do flips?

molten wraith
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the other thing is you can do is do 2 verbs in a row

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that's something I do a lot

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Something like

Her words jump, makes my heart flip

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It's a softer rhyme but it works

autumn echo
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That doesnt ruin it?

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doing soft rhymes?

molten wraith
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nope

autumn echo
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ill keep that in mind

molten wraith
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As long as it kind of rhymes

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Here, lemme pull one of mine up I think you should read

autumn echo
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Whats like the unspoken rule of cheating in poetry

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I know in art its tracing

molten wraith
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No ai

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#1247437234936877107

molten wraith
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I find thesauruses silly, but that's a me thing, no way universal

viscid river
molten wraith
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ecad is typing forever

autumn echo
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im writing out the next lines haha

autumn echo
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I just write and accidentally use literary devices and keep them

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A simple word sways from her lips,
light like a feather yet it hits like a brick.
Her words jump, make my heart flip,
A sailor faced with a siren I fear its a trick.

Our conversation symphony
Leaping from point to point, her passion flies
So far away though still here with me
A knife in the heart as we say our goodbyes

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Thats a VERY ROUGH draft of the second stanza

molten wraith
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Her words jump, makes my heart flip,
Make*

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Her works make

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sorry, thats my bad lol

autumn echo
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No problem, "make my heart flip" isnt it makes? im not correcting you just unsure

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never was good at english

molten wraith
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they make my heart flip, her words make my heart flip

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they make me a sandwich

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her words make me a sandwich

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hehe

autumn echo
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ahh

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any advice on the second stanza? ill polish it up just getting an idea down

molten wraith
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it's one of my only rhyming poems

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Our conversation an unintentional symphony
You're trying too hard to be poetic here. Normal English is best.

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A knife in the heart as we say our goodbyes
Same thing here. There's a knife in my heart while we say goodbye

autumn echo
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Perhaps something more less dramatic

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My heart aches?

molten wraith
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sure

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it's your poem

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hehe

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I like my heart aches better

autumn echo
molten wraith
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Something to remember about poetry is that there are generally always 2 different narratives going on at once. What's literally happening, and what's being felt

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obv in some poems there are no human or sentient speakers, so it's ONLY what's literally happening

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but in general, people write as a sentient speaker

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So you need to find a way to seamlessly merge them together

viscid river
autumn echo
molten wraith
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a knife in my heart definitely does have its place in poetry, but I don't think it fits the theme you're going for in this one

autumn echo
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wait

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accidentally sent too early

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ignore

molten wraith
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So far away though still here with me
Idk if you got this from my poem, but this is semi-good use of negative capability

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basically contradicting yourself in a way that's true

autumn echo
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🫂

molten wraith
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hehe

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I would personally remove the though and use punctuation to separate them, just seems more mystical and more contradictory to me

autumn echo
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A simple word sways from her lips,
light like a feather yet it hits like a brick.
Her words jump, make my heart flip,
A sailor faced with a siren I fear its a trick.

Words soaked in knowledge, dripping with femininity
Leaping from point to point, her passion flies
So far away; still here with me
my heart aches as we say our goodbyes

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like that?

molten wraith
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I would use something stronger than a comma

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a semi colon or an em dash perhaps

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all just me tho, if you think it sounds better a certain way

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by all means

autumn echo
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Words soaked in knowledge, dripping with femininity

toxic ginkgoBOT
autumn echo
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Bit too serious still

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i wanna keep the rhyme with here with me

molten wraith
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something like "sorry, I'm getting all sappy"

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I think that would be fun

autumn echo
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Change the tone? first stanza is fun and second is sappy

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then I can have an excuse why I couldnt maintain the funny note of stanza 1

molten wraith
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I mean, start silly, go into a more serious tone, then enter out of it self aware

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that sounds cute

autumn echo
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Ill start the third stanza with a sort of post poem clarity

molten wraith
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if I were a girl I'd love it lmao

autumn echo
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It works if if I go into first person ?

molten wraith
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You should keep it consistent, always be in first or third, never change that

autumn echo
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dont give me too much, but how should i tackle it

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because idk how to start it off without going into first person

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assuming im not in first person already

molten wraith
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First person is absolutely acceptable

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you'd just have to rewrite stuff

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1 sec, lemme get a poem for you to read that's kinda what you would be aiming for

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The Shrinking Lonesome Sestina

by Miller Williams

Somewhere in everyone’s head something points toward home,
a dashboard’s floating compass, turning all the time
to keep from turning. It doesn’t matter how we come
to be wherever we are, someplace where nothing goes
the way it went once, where nothing holds fast
to where it belongs, or what you’ve risen or fallen to.

What the bubble always points to,
whether we notice it or not, is home.
It may be true that if you move fast
everything fades away, that given time
and noise enough, every memory goes
into the blackness, and if new ones come—

small, mole-like memories that come
to live in the furry dark—they, too,
curl up and die. But Carol goes
to high school now. John works at home
what days he can to spend some time
with Sue and the kids. He drives too fast.

Ellen won’t eat her breakfast.
Your sister was going to come
but didn’t have the time.
Some mornings at one or two
or three I want you home
a lot, but then it goes.

It all goes.
Hold on fast
to thoughts of home
when they come.
They’re going to
less with time.

Time
goes
too
fast.
Come
home.

Forgive me that. One time it wasn’t fast.
A myth goes that when the quick years come
then you will, too. Me, I’ll still be home.

autumn echo
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Hmm ill give it a try

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worst comes to worst ill just end it on the second stanza

molten wraith
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hehe

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And that poem is very technically advanced, don't worry about the form so much as the tone shifts

autumn echo
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A simple word sways from her lips,
light like a feather yet it hits like a brick.
Her words jump, make my heart flip,
A sailor faced with a siren I fear its a trick.

Words soaked in knowledge, dripping with femininity,
leaping from point to point, her passion flies.
So far away; still here with me,
my heart aches as we say our goodbyes.

A sappy poem was never my intention,
stereotypical as a honey loving bee
a smarter man would've made an intervention

but you are precious to me
OR
though you are worth it to me
OR
the words just flow when you speak to me
OR
attribute it to your beauty

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okay again, thats a roguh draft

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but is that the right tone?

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Honestly I cooked with the line "stereotypical as a honey liking bee"

R.jpg
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jk jk

molten wraith
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Hehe

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Should do honey loving bee, just because I misread it as I venting bee and honey

viscid river
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I smell as if some people cooked here

molten wraith
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Loving noun is just a lot more common and understandable

autumn echo
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A simple word sways from her lips,
light like a feather yet it hits like a brick.
Her words jump, make my heart flip,
A sailor faced with a siren I fear its a trick.

Words soaked in knowledge, dripping with femininity,
leaping from point to point, her passion flies.
So far away; still here with me,
my heart aches as we say our goodbyes.

A sappy poem was never my intention,
stereotypical as a honey loving bee
a smarter man would've made an intervention

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but for you i am care free

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or a biblical reference perhaps, I really like fig trees

molten wraith
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Third line in that last stanza is def a little forced

autumn echo
viscid river
molten wraith
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The intervention line

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It needs... some sort of throughline imo

autumn echo
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what is a theoughline

molten wraith
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Some image or metaphors that keeps coming up

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Throughline, sorry

autumn echo
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Stanza 3

Reflecting I was brash, like a wave I seemed to crash
stereotypical as a honey loving bee

viscid river
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A simple word sways from her lips,
light like a feather yet it hits like a brick.
Washing away aimlessly, but I felt a blip
A sailor faced with a siren I fear its a trick.

Not the best but it's something

autumn echo
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Perhaps music/dancing could be the idea throughout

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as thats pretty easy to link to words

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A simple word sways from her lips,
light like a feather yet it hits like a brick.
Her words waves of passion, make my heart flip,
A sailor faced with a siren I fear its a trick.

Words soaked in knowledge, dripping with femininity,
leaping from point to point, her passion flies.
So far away; still here with me,
my heart aches as we say our goodbyes.

molten wraith
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the throughline doesn't have to be mentioned in the poem directly either, like the throughline could be something like there is no throughline

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like Meditation at Lagunitas

autumn echo
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I feel like id be forcing it now

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A simple word sways from her lips,
light like a feather yet it hits like a brick.
Her words jump, make my heart flip,
A sailor faced with a siren I fear its a trick.

Words soaked in knowledge, dripping with femininity,
leaping from point to point, her passion flies.
So far away; still here with me,
my heart aches as we say our goodbyes.

A sappy poem was never my intention,
stereotypical as a honey loving bee
though I felt it important to mention
how much you mean to me

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a better poet than me could probably add it in

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but I am far from a poet

molten wraith
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yeah that's a very advanced thing lol

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I don't know if I could do it haha

autumn echo
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YO

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I COOKED

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READ THE LAST TWO LINES

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A simple word sways from her lips,
light like a feather yet it hits like a brick.
Her words jump, make my heart flip,
A sailor faced with a siren I fear its a trick.

Words soaked in knowledge, dripping with femininity,
leaping from point to point, her passion flies.
So far away; still here with me,
my heart aches as we say our goodbyes.

A sappy poem was never my intention,
stereotypical as a honey loving bee
though I felt it important to mention
how much you mean to me

viscid river
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NAHHH MY MAN COOKED

autumn echo
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Ill update you guys with the response

viscid river
autumn echo
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i set this up yesterday

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when i said "you are unlike all other woman ive spoken too"

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and she said

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explain

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"not yet, dont want you to get too tired of me"

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Now im replying with the poem

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us 4 arriving to my future wedding

viscid river
viscid river
autumn echo
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how

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like google docs? haha

toxic ginkgoBOT
autumn echo
viscid river
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DUDE

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it's done

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it's ready

autumn echo
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Served it up, piping hot

viscid river
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the garnish is there, the main couse is hot

autumn echo
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shes offline so ill ping you when she replies

viscid river
molten wraith
autumn echo
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she reacted with a heart

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shes typing now

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Okay shes exaggerating a little bit

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BUT

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Thanks for the input, team

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"how sweet you are too me"

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that wouldve been game set and done

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oh my gosh how did i let that pass

viscid river
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it had more feelings in it

viscid river
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Ecad has the ball

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he goes for a drive

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stops and pulls up

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SPLASSHHHH

molten wraith
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Lesss goooo!