#I Walked and Ran

9 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

still zenith
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People loved my stories.
But they grew stricter and stricter.
My image began to fade.
Poetry held me captive.

But I was in the forest.

Running beneath the trees.
Trees that were grey and dark.
They shrouded darkness and power. Black elves playing melodies to veil the atmosphere.

I walked and ran.

The thorns before a great castle.
Full of blood and sharp edges.
Now to a cave filled with spiders and betrayal.
Betrayal is the largest word in my story.
I feel so thin and abandoned.
But in this world, I discover and unleash creativity.
A world that veils the real one.
Another pain that keeps me restrained.
As dull as it sounds, I still cry, just like you.
No matter how hard it is, you can still hear the black elves. Elves that are usually angelic.

Stepping into darkness.

The word "darkness" that appears so often in poetry.

Poetry crafted from emotions.
Even though I no longer know.
To keep going.

void raven
#

Great work! the imagery is vivid and immersive. The "grey and dark trees," "black elves," and "thorns before a great castle" create a haunting and fantastical world. The interplay of mystical elements like the black elves and their melodies adds an otherworldly tone, contrasting sharply with the emotional pain.

I would suggest you to experiment with varying sentence structure. The current repetition of short sentences adds a rhythmic quality but could be interspersed with longer sentences for a more dynamic read. 💗 overall, this is a compelling and evocative piece that captures the complexity of creativity and pain. It feels both personal and universal.

still zenith
heavy wadi
#

Your poem powerfully blends creativity and struggle..... I also like how it explore themes of darkness, abandonment, and emotional conflict. Nice.

iron summit
lost quest
# still zenith People loved my stories. But they grew stricter and stricter. My image began to...

Starting with the Narrative

Poetry as a mask, a tragic but often realistic theme that is beautiful and captivating.
Minor themes of abandonment, betrayal and loneliness as the reason for poetry to act as the mask where you truly live. The pacing is great, and so is the story itself. I love it.

Next, the Technicalities

The structure of the poem is rigid, stanzas earning their place. The themes are communicated quite well.
The poem is free verse, and it damn well does it great.

Finally, the conclusion

"Poetry crafted from emotions.
Even though I no longer know.
Keep going."
Is the final stanza and the conclusion to the poem, the first and second lines are great as a conclusion and serve the poem greatly. However, the last line "Keep going." seems out of left field, slightly unrelated to the poem. Its removal may be better than its inclusion, or further exploration of the theme of "to keep going". Nonetheless, it is still a great ending.

Final Verdict

A beautifully crafted poem that is told amazingly. Would love to see more of your work. Keep writing!
And I’d love it if you link me more of your work.

still zenith
lost quest
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It is the least I can do, you are very much welcome!

still zenith