Forever In Your Fields

[slate glade]

Forever In Your Fields

@faint hedge check it out

[pure sphinx]

I like the fact that you stuck with one image and saw it all the way through! I do think that the rhyme scheme is a bit confusing though— sometimes it rhymes and sometimes it doesn’t — and I think you should pick whether it should rhyme or not. Just an idea though

[slate glade]

Agreed.

Improvement?

Cultivating only the finest grapes
To savor as drink in our old age.

A sturdy trellis we will build together
To support our fruit through the storms
For they will surely come in time.

But we will weather the storms, together
As our roots grow deep in the soil
To bloom and flourish before our eyes.

When the time comes to harvest our crops,
We will toil away, picking only the best,
pausing to reflect on those we left behind.

We’ll rest it, allowing the flavors to mature,
While we wander the countryside, hand in hand,
Collecting memories to carry with us always.

Then, when I lose my hair, and yours fades,
We’ll sip from the bottle as the years drift away,  
Relishing the harmonious flavors that shaped us.```

[pure sphinx]

Better

[stone cradle]

It's a nice thought but still superficially said, also the repetition of storms takes the magic away

By 'say it deeper' I don't mean convolute worthless metaphors (like most people do, and you don't), I mean be as clear as you are now without repeating words or saying things too plainly

[slate glade]

Thank you, I agree. I'll mull some things around and try some edits