lacuna | ➼ by Rain

[fallow patio]

@gaunt kelp has sent a notification! - @daring umbra @sudden folio @languid osprey @steep lodge

[gaunt kelp]

@upbeat grotto
@wheat brook

[sudden folio]

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

[gaunt kelp]

bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb

@meager oriole

[sudden folio]

you are a cordial loophole and i tilt into a slumber for you

woww

teach me

[gaunt kelp]

😭🙏

[sudden folio]

i feel like a dead dove when i shout

please maam

too good

[gaunt kelp]

Shower every day and think of verses then

[sudden folio]

i cant-

love this

[gaunt kelp]

ILYSM WHAT THE HECK

[sudden folio]

🥺

ILYSMM YOUR SIMILES ARE ON POINT

[gaunt kelp]

YAYYYYY

I LOVE SIMILES NOW

[sudden folio]

YES YES

[gaunt kelp]

Do you have any interpretations??

[sudden folio]

I will write you a long one in sometime <33

i gon write for the full poem

[gaunt kelp]

No pressureee

I was js curious

[fallow patio]

@runic rune is now following @gaunt kelp.

[runic rune]

This is fantastic stuff 'I feel like a dead dove when I shout the language of my ribcage'

Holy smokes

[meager oriole]

OW RAINB! DID YOU FINISH IT AMAZING

I loved this end

Beautiful romantic poem

In a bittersweet ton

[fallow patio]

@gaunt kelp is now following @runic rune.

[gaunt kelp]

(i've read your stuff too, loved it, but felt embarrassed to follow you before now)

[gaunt kelp]

Yesss i'm glad you thought that

[runic rune]

Crippling self loathing coupled with a separation from self and feeling and yet an unmistakable attraction for another person weaves tension into the mix and oh my God the resolution, its wonderful hauntingly introspective and hopelessly romantic

Bless

I love this

[gaunt kelp]

😭 ❤️

[gaunt kelp]

this is such a perfect and accurate view on it

exactly what i was trying to do

[runic rune]

I love it

[gaunt kelp]

combine self-loathing and total devotion to someone else

[runic rune]

You did that in spades fr

In a wonderfully original way

[gaunt kelp]

I appreciate your words

I'm glad you enjoyed it

[runic rune]

That is an understatement

Lmfao

Id buy this irl

[gaunt kelp]

OH MY GOD i didn't think it would be received like this but i'm really touched

[meager oriole]

Yep good work friendo

[gaunt kelp]

[trim inlet]

Oh my goodness I loved this, the succinct but subtle hint of self loathing and the ever present bittersweet taste of a love so harsh yet so sour, the images are beautifully evocative and descriptive.

I had never read your poems rain but if you'd wish to ping me and take me on your journey with the next one I would be more than willing to accept.

[gaunt kelp]

Thank you so much

I’ll gladly ping you next time

@glass pewter asdfghdkj

[celest egret]

AREOILXJXHUYSGKSB WHAT

WHAT

WHAT IS THIS THING BEYOND PERFECTION

WHAT IS THIS MASTERY

AMARI BOT IS SAYING I PROGRESSED BUT I DONT CARE RN

Phew

Okay

First or all, excellent imagery that isn't just descriptive but also emotional and moving with unsaid verbs in and of itself (LIKE WHAT YOU SORCERESS IM HAVING A STROKE)
For eg, tidepools, bubbling wild blooms, all of there are descriptions, yet actions, different as to when we say framed by wings, etc
(HOW EVEN)
And all of this, while going through a journey within self related to a single thread of thought
I am....absolutely speechless and awed

[gaunt kelp]

Wow 😭
Tysm

I thought I maybe overdid it with the imagery

maybe it was a bit too much focus on details and not enough actual story

[celest egret]

https://tenor.com/view/spacebatears-spop-space-bat-horde-clone-kindred-gif-20797032

[gaunt kelp]

Well thank you

[celest egret]

I.....literally should be thanking you!!!!!!! Thank you for sharing thus with us

[gaunt kelp]

[sudden folio]

@gaunt kelp
Page 1

This poem has a very confession, melancholic tone to it, addressing to a lover whom the poetess is uncertain about. The first line itself portrays the teetering nature of their relationship with each other. I love how creatively the lines "or are we martyrs now that deep scented valleys bubble wildly with blooms" is written. The next line "are you something i hold....future obsessions" seems to me like an introspective line. Its as if the poetess isn't confident in the connection they hold and seems to be questioning that perhaps their lover is just someone they are grasping on to love the future and life itself. As I already said, the similes are phenomenal here and I deeply love the application of vocabularies here. It isn't complicated but just right and enough for readers to relate and understand the composer's state of mind. The lines "I am as ill-founded....fervid self" depicting a sense of self loathing and self hatred. The next lines until womanhood also somehow depicts the same and a personal fav here being :crumpled paper bleeding its way into barely desirable womanhood. Though I'm not sure what the lines "the proof...my legs" exactly means in the sense of connecting to the previous ones. Is it an injury or like a tattoo or ache?

[trim inlet]

Wow someone's very passionate over here! And I completely understand too.

[sudden folio]

@gaunt kelp
Page 2
Likewise, the first stanza follows a similar tone of regretful, self-hatred form of introspection. The poetess seems to accept their lover like a gift that is "a desert rose formed in the grime of monotony." I have a question though; by any chance does mentioning the addressee as a "desert rose" symbolistic? (I feel so but I'd like to hear your perspective). The next line, "how long...own voice?" is something I'm really likely not just because it goes so well with the rest of the mood of the poem, it itches my brain just right. The remnant of this stanza seems to question if the poetess is worthy of this newfound connection of love and affection that she has found with the addressee. This whole poem feels like a letter. The next lines are quite dreamy and has a certain unspoken, hidden musical quality to it and I deeply appreciate how you executed it. Big respect because works as such got me into poetry ;).

[sudden folio]

Ehehehe

I love page 3 too btw 🥺❤

[snow cradle]

“I was born barely formed, my spine a market haven of sand” to “you open, a desert rose once again”…

That’s genuinely stunning…

Loved the mix of tones, the imagery with all metaphors, the emotion behind it. It felt like a gift that you ended up wrapping perfectly with that final verse. Absolutely incredible, great work!!

[gaunt kelp]

Okay, you are scarily on point with everything. (and ty for your compliments )
About "the proof... my legs"; that whole passage, with the "crumpled paper bleeding its way into barely desirable womanhood"? That's a reference to getting your period, lol. I'm calling myself a "crumpled paper" - basically a blank canvas, but a crumpled one, one that was never smooth to begin with - who is bleeding into womanhood that I never really felt comfortable with. (I've questioned my gender identity for a while :P).
All that to say that the proof in the legs is basically bloodstains on my legs.

It relates to the previous lines because it goes with the theme of self-loathing - I don't like what my body was born as.
Hope that helps

[sudden folio]

Ohhh yes that makes so much senseee. Thankss

[gaunt kelp]

Yep, the desert rose is a symbol - I repeat it twice, once in this part and once at the very end.
You know what desert roses are?

[sudden folio]

No im dum😔

I noticed the repetitions and figured that it has to be something

[gaunt kelp]

they are basically crystals that form in arid desert regions

i find them very pretty and unique

[sudden folio]

Ohh. Yup that makes sense

[sudden folio]

Wow

[gaunt kelp]

so the symbolism: in this second page, I call the addressee a "desert rose in the grime of monotony" right after saying that my spine is a "haven of sand". This is, again, about self-loathing - I'm calling myself and my life the desert, aka "the grime of monotony", where somehow a crystal managed to bloom beautifully

the person is a crystal who has formed in a place i could never imagine anything beautiful happening

[sudden folio]

That sounds perfect actuallt

YOU DID SO GOOD

[gaunt kelp]

🥹 THANKY

THE AMOUNT OF TIME I SPENT FINETUNING THESE METAPHORS AND SYMBOLS

IS RIDICULOUS

[gaunt kelp]

Thank you so much, I'm glad you liked that passage

[sudden folio]

It turned out really well

[gaunt kelp]

about page 3, there is a meaning in some lines! it's not all random for once :P

[sudden folio]

Yes I noticed. There is a constant storytelling thingy and has a musical flow to it too. I love the 3rd stanza personally <3

[glass pewter]

Woah

[sudden folio]

You inspired me, ready for a post soon enough

[gaunt kelp]

Haow

[glass pewter]

Typography my fav

[gaunt kelp]

THANK YOU <3

[glass pewter]

Gotta read this poem tonight

[gaunt kelp]

if u want

@sudden folio may i explain the passage "I feel like a dead dove... feverish through pallid wounds"

i'm itching to

i think maybe it isn't very clear

but idk

[sudden folio]

Of courseeee if ya wannaa

[gaunt kelp]

should i

k

[sudden folio]

The composers pov>>> anything else

[gaunt kelp]

i'll just break it down.
a dead dove - dove = symbol of peace. dead dove, dead peace - here i mean it more in the context of peace of mind.
shouting the language of my rib cage - the heart is in the rib cage and the shouts are my heartbeat! it feels like a panic attack and a rush of excitement at once
silent as a tongueless deity - more to create a contrast with the "shouting" than anything else, but it is kind of a reference to Kali Maa with her tongue out. She looks angry, menacing, and like a force to be reckoned with when her tongue is out - meanwhile I, a tongue_less_ deity, am the total opposite - soft, easy to manipulate and harm, not speaking out for myself.

i'm very happy with that part tbh

[sudden folio]

really good indeed. i love this <3

[gaunt kelp]

https://tenor.com/view/cute-bear-heart-hearts-love-gif-12861191714910547387

[gaunt kelp]

@trim inlet if you ever get a moment to read, no pressure <3

[gaunt kelp]

@tame hound

[wheat brook]

OH MY GOD THIS IS AMAZING RAIN! I LOVE THIS A LOT

Amazing poem rain seriously, I love it

Also

[fallow patio]

@wheat brook is now following @gaunt kelp.

[wheat brook]

There that's better, I forgot about this bot-

[gaunt kelp]

Aw i'm glad

https://tenor.com/view/cute-bear-heart-hearts-love-gif-12861191714910547387

[grim hare]

YOU TOLD ME IT HAD TYPOGRAPHY NOT THAT IT WAS BEAUTIFULLY WRITTEN

[gaunt kelp]

THANKS

[late wing]

💤 | violet_rosey776 went afk 8 minutes and 58 seconds ago.
Their AFK status is: Rosey is Limited Time Only

[gaunt kelp]

oooo

cya in a bit

[steep lodge]

Oh. My. God.

Absolute mastery of poetry over here.

I adore your language, your metaphors, everything.

While I don't completely understand the poem due to such high metaphorical shenanigans happening, I am in awe of your craftmanship - I wanted to point out a few, but this poem is just FULL OF THEM!!!!

Absolutely incredible. I wish I'd read it sooner.

MW.

[gaunt kelp]

WHOA

TYSM

I’m thinking of reworking this poem a bit, I am not quite satisfied with some of the passages

[fallow patio]

@gaunt kelp has sent a notification! - @daring umbra @sudden folio @languid osprey @steep lodge @runic rune @celest egret @wheat brook

[gaunt kelp]

hallo

i have revised this poem

so here is the final version for whoever may be interested

also

@void pebble xx

[celest egret]

Ooooohhhhhhhh lemme read!

Oof, still as beautiful as before, but a but more refined!

[gaunt kelp]

ARGH

TY ZEAN

i'm considering recording a narration of this one and sticking it in here!

[celest egret]

DO IT

[gaunt kelp]

on it

🫶

[celest egret]

[gaunt kelp]

[celest egret]

Your voice sounds so clear and concise and perfect?!

Especially as the emotions sped up?!

I love it?!

[gaunt kelp]

RAHHHHH

ZEAN APPROVED

[celest egret]

I already told you it was one of my favourites in here !!!! Lol

This just elevated it

💃

[gaunt kelp]

gahdamn

i appreciate you

[celest egret]

Hehe I doo too lol, took a lot of inspiration from you to write a poem of mine "Blank Wall" lol

A lot to learn wooohoo

[gaunt kelp]

I saw that in my poem list!

gonna check it out

[celest egret]

Haha lol, I did ping you lol

[celest egret]

Thank you for your blessings 🙇‍♀️

[gaunt kelp]

anytime

[celest egret]

[languid osprey]

Lacuna matata

[gaunt kelp]

..........

https://tenor.com/view/the-lion-king-timon-dance-lion-king-thats-all-i-need-gif-25699633

[gaunt kelp]

@winged kayak @night zodiac

i summon the resident dragons

[fallow patio]

@trim inlet is now following @runic rune.

[trim inlet]

All I can say is, this is perfect

[tall seal]

I AM CRYING WHEN I READ THIS PIECE! 😭

[gaunt kelp]

TYSM I AM EXTREMELY TOUCHED BY EVERYONE'S KIND WORDS

[gaunt kelp]

AWWW NO 😭

GOOD OR BAD CRYING

[steep lodge]

LACUNA MATATAAAA🔥 🔥 🔥 🔥 🔥 BNO WORRIES THIS IS PERFECT

[tall seal]

GOOOOOOD CRYING! 😭

[gaunt kelp]

OMG YAYY

[tall seal]

LOVELY LOVELY LOVELY!

[fallow patio]

@trim inlet is now following @gaunt kelp.

[reef mango]

Shar approved. 10/10. The first ever 10/10 I gave on the server. This is most perfect poetic poem I read till date in the server! I am not kidding.

[upbeat grotto]

What a wonderful read 🗣️

[golden walrus]

:heart: @reef mango has bookmarked this thread! :heart:

[late wraith]

@gaunt kelp this is so eloquent and beautiful

and it’s a reallllllllly pretty style omg

what’s this about because i got so many different meanings ??

is this poem about menstruation

[gaunt kelp]

Originally i was trying for a more romantic and confessional style, but it kinda went off-piste

it’s ended up mainly as a mix of romance/unrequited love and self-loathing/alienation

[late wraith]

i don’t have much words it was just that good

[soft gyro]

Wonderful! @late wraith has just pregressed to level 4!

[late wraith]

thank u

[late wraith]

ITS SO good tho

😭😭😭😭

like goddamn

[gaunt kelp]

hahaa there IS a passage that references menstruation, but it’s not a major theme in itself
More of a contributor to the big theme of self loathing

[gaunt kelp]

Thank you so muchhhh
You’re lovely

[late wraith]

i’m sorry i can’t say much else maybe i can like attach it to smthn

the poem sort of feels like bleeding out in the grass in the peak of daylight. TO ME

hot day but not too hot

[upbeat grotto]

This is eye candy 📝

[late wraith]

this is how i interpret it

[gaunt kelp]

Check ur osmosisis poem, beanstalk

(and thankyou)

[late wraith]

but i burn bridges like calories

[upbeat grotto]

Dw I have ❤️ thank you, and writing a lil response

[late wraith]

BUT

u guys get it right im not delusional

[gaunt kelp]

hmmmm
That is a really cool perspective actually

[upbeat grotto]

That will be my third most interesting line this week 📝

[gaunt kelp]

:D

[late wraith]

feels like ur on like a swing set with the sun bearing down on you and you’re bleeding out slowly ALONE.

but it’s a lot more melancholic than it is tragic

swing set i mean like

not a playground one

[gaunt kelp]

[late wraith]

like this

in like a white dress with small details

[upbeat grotto]

I like how dark your poems can be and you weave in your details with the darkness so flawlessly 🔥

[gaunt kelp]

that is so far from my intention and i absolutely love it

[upbeat grotto]

Such emotion ❤️❤️❤️

[late wraith]

and there’s also lots of collarbone and it’s a spaghetti strap minidress!!

and the white heels are off and on the concrete next to the swing

[gaunt kelp]

now i legit want to paint this scene you’re describing

[late wraith]

U PAINT ??

[gaunt kelp]

Used to

[late wraith]

i wish i was right brained 😭🙏

[gaunt kelp]

Lmao 😭

[late wraith]

u should write me a short lil poem based on what i describe so i can print it and put it on my wall

THAT WOULD BE SO COOL

it could js be a sonnet 😭🙏

[gaunt kelp]

free inspiration

omg

[late wraith]

hmmm okay so i’m sensing MOONLIGHT

[upbeat grotto]

I have no brain and paint time to time

[late wraith]

but not pale. GOLDEN

like a yellowish moon

crescent shaped

im js saying what my head pictures idk if this is bad

moon moon moon

CAN U DO OUTER SPACE THEMED POEM

[gaunt kelp]

I…. have never tried

[late wraith]

so i have a cool concept for that bc im a space nerd

[gaunt kelp]

space nerds 🪐✨🌌

[upbeat grotto]

Do it….

[late wraith]

so the moon revolves around the earth. it doesn’t take a break ever, it controls the tides that make it possible for life to flourish.

but did u know that every year the moon moves 3.8 centimeters away from the earth. every 365 days, the moon moves away slowly

soon it’ll be so far out of orbit it’ll be gone

to think about the fact that the moon revolves around the earth in a galaxy with billions of stars and planets. it FOLLOWS earth and earth doesn’t acknowledge it. it’s slowly moving away.

also fun facts: as the moon moves away, the days on earth get longer and longer and the tides change.

@gaunt kelp WHAT U THINK

but also once the moon is out of earths orbit, it’ll become rogue. meaning it’ll travel billions of light years into nothingness searching for something else to give jt meaning and purpose.

ITS SO SAD

[gaunt kelp]

GAHHHHHHH I FELL ASLEEP (it was 2 am)

that is honestly such a cool prompt

[runic rune]

@patent cypress

[gaunt kelp]

this one ^^

narration ^^

[visual dock]

Okay! Gonna try my best but it's a tad harder with images

Positive Feedback

• I ADORE the choice to keep all of it lowercase. It makes your work have this sort of subdued, barely veiled quality to the emotions, like I can imagine a voice quivering from barely contained rage or sadness for most of this poem and I love it
• I think that this poem is a masterclass on Enjambment. Almost every line doesn't end on punctuation and speaking of, so many of these lines are just raw and and powerful and phrased beautifully that it's hard to pick favorites but some of mine are:
• "past your words full of sculpted valor"
• "are you something I hold or
  a tool I dedicate to future obsessions"
• "between fluency and my fervid self" (ps I also adore the way that it cuts off, and the next line starts with "the self" as if the narrator was starting to get too in depth or heated, and then cut off to continue explaining)
• "I was born barely formed"
• "bullet holes in my back like tidepools"
• "how long must I shrivel before my own voice?"
• I like the way that "even in our mouths" is broken up, I can image it being this horrified/horrific whisper
• "spreading / my cancer all over you" is such a gruesome image I love it
• I'm fascinated by the difference between left aligned text and center aligned text, what they mean, could it be the narrator's inner monologue vs what they actually say? Your stylistic choices are so fascinating
• "a salve to my sore sanctity" feels smooth on the tongue in a way that pleases my ears so
• "the language of my ribcage" is an innocuous line that gets worse when you think about it, because the immediate assumption is heart, but then what about the other organs? Do the lungs burn? Does the stomach ache? What sort of pain does the narrator feel in their chest? I feel like this line is about experiencing a lot and having the words be muddled because of that but that might just be me

• "with a seared tongue I speak of water" well that's just a banger line, and so, like, ironic!

Critical Feedback

• It may seem counterintuitive, and I think it's definitely a choice to keep things shorter and pack meaning into every word, but I'd be so interested to see your longer work! Because there were so many fascinating and wonderful lines, I wonder if you can keep that up for a denser poem or if there's a bit more meat, which might make the hard lines pop more!
• The last page isnt my favorite, but I still like it

Overall

I really loved it! You have such a way with words, and you intersperse these introspective and almost dialogue-esq lines with this powerful, visceral, painful imagery that hits the reader straight in the chest. Wonderful job, friend.

@gaunt kelp

[gaunt kelp]

@stuck wasp

[stuck wasp]

I think this was my favourite one 🫠 It's so beautiful- oh my goodness

This one won my heart

[gaunt kelp]

im so sorry i took a while to answer this, but this really made my day when i read it

truly

thank you

[polar cliff]

I am the truth, you are the lie, I am the blue, and you are the sky, Meow meow, mrow mrow, mrow meow, meow mrow, to the tomorrow me, you are Tuesday, and you are what I was before that very Tuesday.

[gaunt kelp]

Yes

Meow meow mrow

[polar cliff]

Mroww

[golden creek]

Beautifully written poem rain

[gaunt kelp]

[celest egret]

same

[gaunt kelp]

just chilling in this post

ok

[coral quarry]

This is mad good

[gaunt kelp]

thank you so much

[wide mantle]

GODDAMN

I'm amazed

This is perfect

[fallow patio]

@wide mantle is now following @gaunt kelp.

[gaunt kelp]

Omg thank you