#To Love You, To Love Me, To Love Us

11 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

dark tiger
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TO LOVE YOU, TO LOVE ME, TO LOVE US

-# in Indonesian: Mencintaimu, Mencintaiku, Mencintai Kita

and you'll find the Mariana trench
with various hexed corals
and colourful fishes
and slowly you descend further
to the depth of the ocean
where murky amorphous creatures
venture the coaly dark

If you want to drown in it
I'm glad for you
Don't sink, however, for too long
in my niche
Find other seas and waters
as much as you please
but return, thus, again and again
to my Pacific```

-Ignatius Jayabaya, 20-11-2024, translated by ||Muhammad Naufal Afif|| 22-11-2024
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@charred tangle

@viscid peak

@marble vigil

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@shadow sleet

@potent moth

@foggy skiff

quasi temple
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I like it! But I think some slight ambiguity would make it more interesting! Certain word choices would make it more interesting too!

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Maybe void the Mariana Trench -> cause it makes it sound like your specifically targetting it, although your emphasising an ocean!

"If you want to drown in it,
I will be happy for you" -> some word changes to make it more engaging!rain_is_INNOCENT

dark tiger
foggy skiff
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This is nice I love to see you exploring new styles!

dark tiger
potent moth
willow rampart
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Mariana Trench was a bit off putting but maybe im just too slow to get it first read around. Reading it as “you’ll find the deepest blue sea” was simpler. Was hexed in reference to hexagon shapes? Or their destruction? Because if it was their destruction I feel it’s out of place in a poem about your deepness

dark tiger