#7TH FLOOR APARTMENT

19 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

west wave
#

I covered myself in melted iron glancing the way you look at me
Cooling through its way to cells
Solid it seared
Only out of disgust 
But it seems like you're looking to my soul so there was no use for the poetry that has rotten away in my stomach as you tossed my phone down the edge of the 7th floor by the bullet that were moving toward me
you misfired
your face wired
You wanted to make this brain shut down breathless cause it knew the true nature of your heart while you're playing a good roll in the place you brought happiness into while stealing it from ours
you failed
even in killing a soul who its gun is a paper while you had a .44 Magnum

no light to the table you only bring hurricanes
somewhere in a dry spot of my heart where love left there's a pointed blade
7th floor house n°18
Hell on earth, wooden stairs
everything is so weak
the creak as I pass makes me check our celluloid tapes, I grab them out on a sunny morning

You know a lot about my white roses by the potential of ruining them
Now you only know this
Neither what's in the back of these empty eyes that only saw stars from the iron that invaded me nor this door
Which I closed
Forever.
For more visual pictures for this poem check @aphrodites.ink on ig
-ME-

Screenshot_2024-11-08-01-03-49-29_1c337646f29875672b5a61192b9010f9.jpg
rotund badge
#

Is the theme a toxic relationship? That's what I inferred. @west wave

west wave
#

Kinda & escapism, freedom, betrayal

rotund badge
#

Nvm.

west wave
#

Why?

rotund badge
#

Cos I am new to poetry myself so don't wanna say something wrong. Well yeah.

west wave
#

Oh it's not about being new it's about what it makes u feel 🤍 let it devour you

white sorrelBOT
rotund badge
#

Well ok. I will try then. There was rhyme a little bit & I liked that. Can't say anything about the theme cos that's a personal pref But I personally like happy happy themes. The best phrase to me was the first line of second stanza. Tho again the theme is argh. That's my second ever feedback so yeah. That's all from me.

west wave
#

Thank you so much for your attention and time I highly appreciate this🤍

rotund badge
#

@west wave You were typing something?

west wave
#

No!

rotund badge
#

But I saw that typing thing.

#

Just like now.

#

Lol Mb. That was @amira

#

😭

west wave
#

this is really good, i think the imagery is great, metaphors are good too

i think the structure and formatting needs work, play around with how you want the lines to sit on the page. when i read it, some parts were harder to read than other parts. it’s good u included half rhymes to fix pacing and it did do exactly that. but still the lines need work.

in general i think the beginning of the poem is good and it weakens as we go along. i think it just needs some cutting down to make the metaphors flow better (sorry this sounds really vague, but keep it abstract basically, think of it as though you have a word count, that way u make each word intentional)

sorry i forgot to press send idk if it looked like i was typing for ages

west wave
west wave