I looked at an old woman, she was sitting on a bench.
Alone yet a glimmer of something in her eyes.
I decided to sit with her and spend some time,
To know the reason behind her kind grin and if she was fine.
She introduced herself as Hope
Explained how many ships she had sailed.
Interested I lend her an ear for a while while she said,
"I prithee, lend thine ear to mine tale."
"I am ethereal" she continued
My impact insufficient and ephemeral to those who don't value me,
Keep in mind if I'm not there" she went on
"Good and your dreams will be blurry, not seen clearly.
My music is mellifluous, for those that can hear,
Everyone needs me more than they think they do.
I can help lament dissappear-
I can make dreams come true."
While she was ending the speech with the peroration-
In her eyes I saw the same radiant glow.
We exchanged positive goodbyes,
And walking home, that conversation felt kindly bestowed.
#A Woman Named Hope
obsidian night
shell harness
this is nicee i love the idea that hope is an old woman
dusk cairnBOT
hoary pier
Feels more like a short story rather than a poem
shell harness
i would say, the speech is a little awkward in formatting, i think it disrupts your flow. i wouldn’t use the interjections “she said” “she continued” etc etc. i also think it would be nice to use italic instead of speech marks? since hope is an old woman and also a concept, it would be nice to bring it outside of the concept of speech. also i think it would just read better that way!
i think the line “interested i lend her an ear for a while while” is out of place, i think the poem reads better without it entirely? lmk what you think of that though
also think of structure and how your lines are separated since the middle bit makes it broken apart a little
overall i love it
hoary pier
i would say, the speech is a little awkward in formatting, i think it disrupts y...
Totally agree with that, the extras they mentioned turn it into a similar telling
obsidian night
Thanks, first time I got actual reviews 🙂
I didn't add the "one of my best tag" becuase I agree with the fact it has a lot of imperfections and it is kind of raw. I will try to improve it. Thanks once again. I'm about to post another piece, it's called "Because I won't be here forever" and THAT yall is my second best, till now. Lmk ur comments on that.
obsidian night
i would say, the speech is a little awkward in formatting, i think it disrupts y...
Oh but wait a second, why do you think it's 'out of place?' I used it becuase I needed the poems narrative to show we started the conversation since I was interested and that's how she started talking about herself going forward.
shell harness
Oh but wait a second, why do you think it's 'out of place?' I used it becuase I ...
i think its mostly out of place because you say "i lend her an ear" and then she says "lend me ur ear", also saying while twice in a row with no comma is confusing
in general, there's no need to show u started a conversation, u can just start it, it didn't seem out of place, im sure its not vague to anyone at all if that's what ur concerned about
there are instances where it can be random to just have a conversation start, but this isn't really one of them, especially if u start it with "lend thine ear"