#Sygyzy

33 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

marble oxide
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*Walking through an unlit world
Talking to an unfit pearl
Curled and twirled and all unfurled
Retort the defour in the all knowing court

Stone by stone, block by block
Lone and lone, walk and walk
Shine and shone and stall and stalk
Cut down the stalker's stock.

Gaze toward the moon
Daze th'lord and th'boon
Speak your minds
Leak your finds

Tell him he's great
Tell him he's pretty
Turn your back
Keep your pity

Alienate the replaceable
Finally gate the sad, defaced bull
Torch and flame and dance and die
Forge the bane of lance and eye

Turn away, take one more breath
Scorn and lay, fake Dunmoore's depth
Defend like I never fastened
Pretend like I never happened*

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marble oxide
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I swapped the last two lines so it hits a bit harder

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Sygyzy is a celestial event where 3 or more orbiting celestial objects such as planets align

twin steeple
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i like it, but i dont rlly know how the first two stanzas benefit the overall message of the piece i think its somewhat white sound that plays until the main course. i do like it though but its a little inconsistent in its flow. some parts are detailed some are simple some words i think u can do without or replace (particularly in the first two stanzas, i think u end it strong but the buildup is a bit weak in the beginning)
"Tell him he's great
Tell him he's pretty
Turn your back
Keep your pity"
"Stone by stone, block by block
Lone and lone, walk and walk
Shine and shone and stall and stalk
Cut down the stalker's stock."
i would like to see more purposeful vocabulary from you. it seems u prioritize rhyming over consistent storytelling and thats ok but if u want a more engaging, narrative, and consistent piece, try replacing some of these words. i get the usage for repetition, but it can rlly fuzz up your piece if youre not consistent with it. i like to think of repetition as seasoning. u add a pinch of it and u taste it and ur like "ooh thats good i can rlly taste the emphasis on this theme" but if u add too much u start to block up the flow of the piece

twin steeple
marble oxide
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I've heard the same before

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I can list meanings to some things that are completely unseen

twin steeple
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it ok, i enjoyed reading it! thats js my opinion. i would tell u how much i love it but that always comes w reading ur stuff so i js think giving straight critique is more efficient

twin steeple
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anyway i GYAT to do my math hw see u vro

marble oxide
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Unlit world refers to how the world's morality has dimmed to a point of mutilation.
Unfit pearl refers to me, a stone that stands out- but because it's misshapen.
Stone by Stone, block by block referring to the process of building a relationship

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Stalker's stock refers to the natural human need to build connections socially

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Gazing to the moon is a Bruno Mars reference- meaning insanity and intense loneliness driven to the point of talking to objects.

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the "Tell him" stanza uses direct quotes. I was called great and called pretty, but I was abandoned with a complete lack of pity

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"Retort the defour in the all knowing court" means to Spite the impossible strength of fate

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@twin steeple
Read after you finish your stuff

sorry for pinging during your math homework lol
Just wanted to show a bit of the meanings.

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Anyway have fun lol

twin steeple
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i see!

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neat vroski

marble oxide
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Alright I'm going to pass out. it's too late for me.

twin steeple
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nightie night! do re mi fa so la ti do!

marble oxide
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Any longer and I'm gonna have a breakdown of some sort

marble oxide
twin steeple
marble oxide
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mb gangy

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I completely missed it lol

formal epoch
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I love the addition of the photo to add feeling

marble oxide
formal epoch
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Wherever you took it/live is beautiful. I also enjoy taking photos and associating them with my writing