Daily Red (by yats)

[lucid breach]

Daily Red (by yats)

[tawny dagger]

Your poem shifts abruptly between concrete details from-
brushing teeth, grocery shopping
to abstract reflections on
fatherhood & art
While this can be effective, here it feels disjointed, lines like-
art cannot be salvaged until it is exiled
sons cannot be born until there is bleeding
are completely disconnected from the domestic scenes. Bridging these ideas or weaving them more seamlessly into the narrative might clarify the emotional journey you are tracing or trying to trace. While some ambiguity can enrich a poem, certain lines might be overly obscure. Phrases like-
the weight my father around his neck
read as though there’s a missing word, which could confuse readers rather than deepen the impact. There is an interesting notion in your piece ie fatherhood as a return to boyhood, but it is only briefly hinted at, which makes the concept undeveloped. You used a lot of symbolism for example-
wintergreen bubbles
quiet gas stove
sapling still growing
all of the above mentioned are not fully explained or connected back to the poem’s central themes. The gas stove is a powerful image, but it’s not clear why it makes [the speaker] cry or how it emotionally relates to fatherhood ?
Tip- Sometimes, less is more, especially in a piece this emotionally complex.
Hope this helps 😊

[lucid breach]

thank you! this was super helpful. i try was thinking of cutting down some extra fat off this poem

[icy vortex]

Interesting poem. key point in order for it to flow smoothly and have continuity a bit of fat is needed. Saying a lot and having the emotional imagery complete in as few words as possible is a skill, but this poem needs abruptness filled.

[lucid breach]

thank u for this! will be working further on it

[winter quarry]

i think is a really good one, it conveys exactly what you mean to intend, so much so that there’s no need to have the last four lines at all, i think it takes away from the poem, rather than conclude it.

“the weight of my father around his neck” is honestly a great line, you could end the poem there

i would personally edit the 7:58 section, the “fatherhood being my last chance at boyhood” is very blunt - there are better ways to say and express exactly that

in the 7:57 bit, the “younger you” reads awkwardly, i don’t think it’s bad to include - it’s fitting - just maybe reword it?

i hope ur really happy w this poem though, ur imagery is vivid and overall its very touching to read

[lucid breach]

hi funny enough u mention cuz I already deletee the ending stanza in the latest version of the poem:)) ty for all the feedback. I'm gonna think about what I can do with 'younger you'

[hardy scaffold]

I wouldn't suggest trimming the poem, and I enjoy the disjunctions. I did hesitate over the last four lines because they're so hyperbolic. However, I think they get at something real and important. There's no reason to put them in bold, though, because the harshness of the statement they're making speaks for itself. Putting it in bold undermines the power of the words themselves for this reader.

I think the layout is ingenious because it structures the poem into a loose narrative or picture of a day without intruding on its lyricism. I saw the structure, took it in, but then didn't really notice it as I read. Once I'd read the poem, I could look back and understand this as the course of a day. Bravo!