Call of Life

[manic light]

O' fervor, what stirs my heart so gently?
Though life is held in bitter captive,
still Sol, with luna, accompanies through
a temporary night; by glaring light?

Fragrance of pine and hickory enfolds,
as I witness the transition from spring
to fall - the leaves fallen, yet embracing,
vigour of the cold destiny that lives

But with every singular' breath I take,
soulfully yearning for a redemption,
of a truly-sinful transcript, transcending
the passage of my immoral progression,

just as the rainclouds clear along with storms,
a sliver of hope will shine down once more.

@sleek dagger @misty mango @sleek dagger @haughty spoke

[sleek dagger]

Grah

I like the

To fall - the leaves fallen

[manic light]

@glad cipher @still birch @untold tartan

[manic light]

Hehe me too~ thank you!!❤️

[manic light]

Much appreciated! Hope you had a good read~

@analog dragon @hazy cloak @turbid halo

[hazy cloak]

This has a nice olden feel to it

Me likey

I should try implementing that kind of language.. looks really good when u do it

[manic light]

Hehe go try it~ tag me yah

[turbid halo]

Ah, is it this one?

[manic light]

Yups

[turbid halo]

Okay, first poem of the day!

What I can say right out of the gate is that the diction is rich! I love lines such as

'the leaves fallen, yet embracing, vigour of the cold destiny that lives'

The flow is like newborn rivers, slow and finding the ocean tide. I like it!

Here's something I'd like you to do~ could you write a poem with these words?

Rigor mortis
Mortem
Noctem Vow
Complexifying

:3

[hazy cloak]

im highkey stealing some of those words

[manic light]

Okies

[manic light]

A death poem is wild

[untold tartan]

In terms of comprehensibility, unequivocal progress from what I've seen before. The language texture is just as silky as ever, your sense of style is impeccable in this matter.
The first line is purrrfect
However, considering consistency and direction I have some nitpicks
In the first stanza you talk about geocentric perspective of celestial bodies travelling through sky; sol does not accompany luna through the night, by the way, it's a night after all.
The second suddenly talks about seasons, although you primed the reader to think of daily cycle, not yearly.
Nevertheless, it's imagery is very robust, and I can excuse this unexpected shift. What is important to note here, is that it set the mood: decline, withering, closeness of death, are thematic pairing of autumn.
And then you shift again to redemption, the nature of which is left ambiguous, which would be fine, weren't it the thematic core of the whole poem. Mood setting is done, now an actual thought is to be expressed, and it's too vague to really affect me emotionally.
Hopeful ending has no objections from me; it finally returns to the sky above as the setting, and is rhythmically pleasant.
As I hope I demonstrated, it feels rather disconnected, as if the verses were from different poems, each beautiful in its own right.
Yet their individual qualities, are superb, consistency of your delivery is absolutely commendable.
Hope this helps, kisses, Sirruthf

[manic light]

Much appreciated! Let me know what u think for the revised version!

[swift anvil]

*Much appreciated!

Let me know what u think for

the revised version!*

- Alvester

[untold tartan]

This is certainly better, at least I like it more, and I will bend this server to my tastes.
Destiny that lives... within... breath is a very smooth, seamless transition, that connects ideas of autumn aromas you talked about earlier, chill air, that is a property of the season, and the destiny, that is cold and severe itself; redemption is more contextualized now as the earning for improvement in our difficult, constantly deteriorating reality, that we try so desperately to upkeep, and it flows very nicely into the ending this way, as if it was made at the same time. I don't remember if it was changed, but by glaring light is more appropriate if no more explanatory.
Could you provide some commentary on why you've chosen sol and luna as your imagery?

[manic light]

Luna does not shine light without the sun

That's why they " accompany" one another

[untold tartan]

Mhm

I understand accompany in a more literal, spatial sense, but I guess you could say that

[glad cipher]

Nice poem!

[manic light]

Thank you!

[manic light]

@mossy obsidian If u r free, would like ur feedback :>

[mossy obsidian]

For me, the language is very elegant,
There is the symbolism of spring, fall, and rain, which means renewal, letting go and vulnerability.

As for the tone, It felt sombre and melancholy.

(I wish I was good at giving feedback but analysis isn't my forte)

[manic light]

Thanks for letting me what u know

[sleek dagger]

The structure plays with patterns and exceeds the conception of the physical, in which I interpreted that, solemnly, the transition from one season to the next would actually portray the maturing of another into someone else.

So the "daydreams" support the contextualization of the language, whose tone is very receptive and demonstrates the feelings of destiny, coupled with a sidereal sentimentality that seeks to heal the wounds through this change.

In the end, this conveys a very persistent and curious hospitality about the propositions entrenched in the poetic relationship, and I - as a reader - felt warmed by the last two verses, such is their sensitivity.

[manic light]

thank you!

[haughty spoke]

just as the rainclouds clear along with storms,
a sliver of hope will shine down once more. so beautifully written

[manic light]

@stoic geyser

[stoic geyser]

I have been summoned.

[manic light]

[stoic geyser]

Sounds like yearning, like longing, and I love that tasteful ending on a hopeful note.

[manic light]

thankyu!

[still birch]

that is some elegant piece
there are so many good lines.
though life is held in bitter captive is such a good line

[manic light]