@molten oriole
#fractured illusions
west mauve
main marlin
I think you could have made it more simpler, but it is nice already
it is your wish how will you develop it further
mortal fossil
I’m sure many can relate to the existential angst this poem explores.
You have a lot of great images here. But I feel there is something lacking in the overall journey of the poem. Perhaps too many images and not enough of a through line
Which for the record I am guilty of in my own work
west mauve
I think you could have made it more simpler, but it is nice already
it is your w...
i see i see somehow everything i write end up becoming like this 😭
west mauve
I’m sure many can relate to the existential angst this poem explores.
You have...
hmm i see I'll figure something out
main marlin
i see i see somehow everything i write end up becoming like this 😭
maybe you are bein descriptive
When people lay their emotions out without creative intent
They just describe the feeling
which stops feeling like poem
main marlin
probably so
you wrote deep and vast
try to find a word which means both
main marlin
ill figure something thanks for the feedback both of u!
for example
you can write
"moon grows red in the dark abyss"
it makes it less descriptive and also engaging!
metaphors also come to play here
I think you got my point now!
west mauve
i do i do
west mauve
thankyou sm
main marlin
thankyou sm
welcome
west mauve
can i ask which specifically 😭
weak cove
"Tell me, is sacrifice worth this endless divide?" is beautiful
"stars scattered like whispers"
weary sentinel
This is all over the place. Not bad, mind you, but very unfocused. Between general scenery (the second verse), abstract propositions (the third), introspection of the next one, and finally, action piece to top it off. You should decide for yourself if you're making a movie, a painting, or a dispute, and stick to that, sprinkling in other genres, but sparingly
Talking about technicalities, the third one is great, both in rhytmic picture and rhyming, the last one a little worse, and all others could be more polished
imperfectly perfect line sounds like you're pronouncing 'incomplete' /in'complete/
Sacrifice for endless divide sounds profound, but is not, stars scattered like whispers is a completely meaningless simile, whispers aren't scattered
meaning is lost in these meaningless wars is fine on its own, but in the context it is entirely unclear what wars are 'these' and why meaning is lost in them
You're enough... — same. Good line, but for a different poem with a different mood
queen iceBOT
weary sentinel
The best one in terms of coherence is probably the second one. Nice picture, even though, again isolated in itself with its 'hunger strikes' and 'aristocrats' which are never expanded upon
drifting cairnBOT
The best one in terms of coherence is probably the second one. Nice picture, eve...
Wonderful! @weary sentinel has just pregressed to level 6!
west mauve
i see i see