#backseat

11 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

winged berry
#

Before I knew of measurements,
I’d lay in the car’s backseat;
With my head against the left door,
I’d stretch the very tip of my toes,
And I could’ve sworn I felt myself grow,
But still, I couldn’t reach the right door.

I promised that one day I’d get it right,
One day, I’d feel both sides of the doors—
On my head,
And on my toes,
I couldn’t wait to grow.

Now I lie with bent knees,
Head tilted to the side,
Now I feel both doors,
I know I’ve got it right.

But the ache that set in my bones,
Makes me wonder why I wanted it at all.

rigid wigeon
#

may i lightly give a critque so to say? or more so my opinion? if not i totally understand

winged berry
rigid wigeon
#

i feel like the flow at the end is just like abruptly stopped. like its stopped in the beginning to but you can tell its on purpose and it goes with the poem but at the it feels there could be more between "i know i've got it right." and the last two lines. its just feels like its missing something yk? i hope that didnt come off as mean or anything, sorry if it did

winged berry
rigid wigeon
#

mhm! i think that would help it flow a lot better :)

winged berry
#

Ok thank you!!

rigid wigeon
#

mhm! :)

near timber
#

I like the concept of this poem and I like how you used being able to touch both sides of the backseat doors to show the idea of growing old. It's a pretty unique way to express that. I like this poem:)

winged berry
dusky windBOT