#First Sonnet Attemt, Seeking advice and correction.

75 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

acoustic cape
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The thought of you is looming large in mind

All time is spent on outlines reckoning

A compilation free of judgements rhyme

Serene Vista promise peaceful musings

So peace I seek in hope of finding truth

A jagged fractured gem patiently cut

A vile full of tears turned gold from blue

I seek to gain from loss something unsought

A bird of myth into a fire flew

To it I feel kinship; from death, rebirth

It might be ash becomes of me, it's true

Though faith will light and guide my eyes from curse

As I see signs of my achievements shine

Old thoughts arise, will you be mine in time?

thin horizon
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I'm not the best at judging poetry, but I do like this piece.

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The use of metaphors and figurative language is well preserved throughout.

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The beginning is very sudden, without much introduction, that could be nice to welcome

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The end is acceptable as is

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And the storytelling aspect could definitely be more clarified

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I see a couple grammatical errors, but those are yours to fix.

floral summitBOT
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*I see a couple

grammatical error, but

those are yours to fix.*

- The Imperfect Xero
clear oak
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In terms of poetic value, I'd say you got the pentameter, but not the iambic... It's a little clunky imo

thin horizon
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It lacks...

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Grace.

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The flow is held back by the pauses and syllabic distribution

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I hope this helps

clear oak
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For example, the first line could be

Instead of this:

The thought of you is looming large in mind
Could be this:
You... the thought of you looms within my mind

acoustic cape
thin horizon
clear oak
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yeah that too

thin horizon
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"The thought your existence within looms"

clear oak
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has to be 10 syllables still tho

thin horizon
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10 10 10 pattern?

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if so it feels very forced

clear oak
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sonnets are iambic pentameter

thin horizon
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ah

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true

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im like

clear oak
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generally

thin horizon
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really tired

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apologies lol

clear oak
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hehe

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You... the thought of you bounds within my mind

acoustic cape
clear oak
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Something I've found is you can break the iambic rhythm if you have a word that is stressed more than usual, and more rounded

floral summitBOT
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*That does sound better.

Looking over that first line

it's pretty awkward*

- testimony2844
acoustic cape
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Also I need to work on the getting the stresses right, correct?

clear oak
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That's the iambic part

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It should sound like dadum dadum dadum dadum dadum when read

acoustic cape
clear oak
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I've written a couple poems in Iambic Pentameter

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Care to read?

acoustic cape
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Yeah, please. That'll help me get a better idea

clear oak
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#1234428071088623637

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give me a sec to get the other one

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#1234465509852844144

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@acoustic cape

acoustic cape
clear oak
acoustic cape
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I thought it was 14 lines

clear oak
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Those aren't sonnets

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Sonnets are 14 lines

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But they're written in Iambic Pentameter

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Iambic means an iambic rhythm and pentameter means 5 feet per line... one foot is an iamb, 2 syllables

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so 10 syllables per line total

acoustic cape
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Right, gotcha, I forgot I was doing a sonnet I'm trying to get it all memorized

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Getting a feel for the Iambics is pretty straining but I imagine it'll get easier over time

clear oak
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the good thing about iambic is that it's the most natural sounding rhythm in English

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so you can speak pretty normally and already be in Iambic

acoustic cape
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Lol really? Maybe I'm just trying too hard then

clear oak
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Often times the pit fall new poets fall into is trying to "sound poetic"

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Which doesn't actually mean anything, any sentence can be poetic in the right context

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The side effect of trying too hard is sounding clunky

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You'll start using big words, or inserting thou, or thy, etc.

floral summitBOT
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*You'll start using big

words, or inserting thou, or

thy, etc.*

- calebr123
clear oak
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when that's really not needed

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If you look at my poems I sent earlier, how many words would the general population understand completely? Guarantee at least 95%, probably 100%

acoustic cape
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Right. Most of my best poems imo are the ones I write without thinking much about the Structure

clear oak
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Right

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poetry is fun, so have fun with it!

acoustic cape
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I'll do my best, thanks for the advice and examples

clear oak
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ofc

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if you want to read more of my work, you can type Caleb in the search for Post Own

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At least most of my stuff is there, I don't know if I've renamed all of them to have my name yet lol

acoustic cape
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No worries, I'll see what I can find

clear oak
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Now off to read the other one you linked in chat

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oh nvm it was just this one