#Hold Onto My Hand, Forever

36 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

tranquil sky
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Sometimes I cry,
I cry your name to God,
as if the heavens might echo back
the warmth of your soul,
or as if the stars themselves
could weave your essence
into the fabric of my thoughts.

And the sublimity of your skin,
as though it were a testament
to the beauty that graces this world -
each birthmark a unique ceramic tile,
a mosaic that captures light
of the very daylight I yearn for.

Oh, I'd be burned for heresy
if God's design forbade our love -
for what else am I bound to do?

Veiled from my dreams,
the five seas, and the clouds
that linger in the altars of the sky.

Deprived of your kiss,
your solemn touch, and eyes
that guide the pathway to ships at night.

I'd spend my days frittering away time,
praying to God for another chance at our love -

And until then, I'd walk through life
as if I were a widow, mourning for the love
we once held as sacred.

So stay here with me, my love,
for our love deserves to be held close.
Keep your hand clasped with mine,
and together, we'll cross barriers no
other love has known.

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@sinful oracle @snow oak @abstract island @mystic cove @late dune

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@edgy surge
@merry thicket
@royal vapor
@final bluff
@stable estuary

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This is my first version, open to any feedback and changes!!!

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Would be rlly appreciated 🙏

snow oak
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It's lovely, and though I don't have the energy to give proper feedback
I hope you take it as encouragement when I say
You are improving so much
Very good work <3

abstract island
royal vapor
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I appreciate the emotion in the first stanza. However, it seems slightly verbose. Here's 2 revised versions that aim for greater word economy and impact:

A:

I cry out your name to God,
praying heaven echoes
your soul’s warmth,
and stars weave
your essence into
the fabric of my thoughts.

B:

Often I cry your name to God,
praying the heavens will echo
the warmth of your soul,
or that the stars weave
your essence into
the fabric of my thoughts.

final bluff
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i love the imagery and emotion behind this and the structure is quite gooob each building on the prev onecatgg

tranquil sky
tranquil sky
tranquil sky
tranquil sky
royal vapor
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🫡

tranquil sky
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@edgy surge

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@stable adder (just wanted to share too hahs hope you don't mind, no pressure to respond etc!)

edgy surge
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wow, this is good

tranquil sky
stable adder
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But I still feel it’s not the right word for this line 😅

tranquil sky
stable adder
tranquil sky
final bluff
tranquil sky
tranquil sky
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@sly marsh @wanton charm (in case it may interest you hahs, no pressure btw)

sly marsh
tranquil sky
wanton charm
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THis is a beautiful poem, by the way well written

tranquil sky
late dune
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Oh this is cute

tranquil sky
rotund flame
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pretty :>