#Night Ride.

29 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

clever valley
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Carbon steel tied to asphalt, going at the speed of light.
Trying to escape the demons that never seem to give up.
Riding to outrun that which is my eternal plight.
Loosing bits of sanity on the road to drink this overflowing cup.

Metal steed carries my barren bones.
Weaving in and out of reality, blurred behind visor and tears.
The remembrance of painful moans.
Across my wrists and back, the evidence of fears.

Concrete roads blur with lines of white.
Neon backlit, my hidden visage screams.
Pines of green contrast the dark and crescent grey light.
The Fading, Searing visual of passing red beams.

The screech of rubber and metal meeting sedimentary end.
Broken and shattered more now than before.
A peace and regret is filled with sentimental mend.
The sight of unholy gore.

We ride to die.
We live for speed.

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OIG4.3JspFf.jpeg
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@jovial path
@novel tiger
@signal bough
@celest magnet

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@keen wasp
@stoic cedar
@dense wigeon

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@dusk garden @soft geode @topaz frigate
@balmy ridge
@vardomc.#0000

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@stable ridge
@fiery hamlet @onyx tree @calm trench @bleak fractal

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@quaint tundra

vapid knot
radiant stumpBOT
vapid knot
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i like the abab rhyme scheme, i feel like it works better with shorter sentences,, not to say that i think you should shorten them. but maybe mess around with the lines and see if aabb works better?

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and i lovee the last two sentences

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so badass

clever valley
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Tysm for the feedback

As for the rigidity it's supposed to feel jerky
Like someone switching gears too fast and too violently.

And the abab was just happy coincidence in the first two verses so I went with it.

vapid knot
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ohh hmm if its meant to be jerky

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personally, i would then still format it like this, the short sentences keeps the effect wanted , esp w the mix of longer sentences
carbon steel tied to asphalt,
going at the speed of light
trying to escape the demons that never seem to give up
riding to outrun that
which is my eternal plight
losing bits of sanity on the road to drink this overflowing cup

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as thr author you have the final say though ! 🙏

clever valley
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@tropic basin

tropic basin
clever valley
tropic basin
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yes i understand, its amazing

jovial path
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Ooo I love this one mr.pine !

calm trench
# clever valley Carbon steel tied to asphalt, going at the speed of light. Trying to escape the ...

Your grasp of rhythm, and the dynamis is... sublime! I love how your start off many of these lines trichaically! That's really cool. This would make a great song, and it figures you're a lyracists ; )

I really like the diction quite a bit! The last line is... KILLER thanks to the prior stanza!

However... I really have to ask you to post stuff like in post sensitive in the future. It's pretty easy to grasp some of the hmnn... big picture and it's rather dark! Which is what I love.

One of my biggest pieces of advice for you in particular, is to try different styles perhaps merely to try to expand your horizons and know what you may be able to do with poetry as well! I'd really recommend imagism in particular.

clever valley
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Not one is like the other

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Almost every piece is a slightly different style

calm trench
calm trench
calm trench
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Sorry if you felt pigeon holed! My intent was to honor what I HAD seen, not typecast you

clever valley
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I am extremely honored