Abyssal Fisherman

[delicate jetty]

Fishing in abyss, wisps whizzing
Still-sitting, listening, whispers kissing
He casts but keeps missing
It’s how he keeps living
Remaining persistent
Retaining consistence
The fishes, transfixing
Their vicious, slick tricking
Intermittent hits in instant
Swift and quick nibbling
So close but so distant
The soft sounds of their rippling
In a void devoid of voices
Noise is his existence

[carmine thunder]

when i was reading this i got a whole beat in my head

have you considered writing rap? these rhymes are smooth

[delicate jetty]

Yes actually, I take a lot of inspiration from rap

[fervent vigil]

I enjoyed the sliding rhymes and the influence of rap was prominent, but generally well executed. The author may wish to scan the poem and identify all the feet to tighten the rhythm, as its relation to rap begs for a smooth and/or exchanging consistency with some lyrical interest with how and where it changes. In this case, there is no real introductory rhythm with the first three lines - but it then transitions into something more song-like. I'm left thinking that the flow of the rhythm overall is not really plotted with the arc of the poem.

I found 'Intermittent hits in instant' and 'In a void devoid of voices' clunky. They disrupted the poem's smoothness in a way I don't find fitting.

I did enjoy it overall and the image of a fisherman casting into the depth, when the true depths reside in him is a nice chiasmus.

[delicate jetty]

This was written for assonance, not for feet or rhythm I don’t really care to pay that much attention to stressed and unstressed syllables