Mom, Are you there?

[rare dawn]

Mom, Are you there?

Mom! I shouted at her not shouting back,
I called mom but she hasn't answered,
As my premonition squeezed my chest and my head felt like it was getting whacked,
The second I wake up, the second I let go, I won't see her face anymore, can't face her.

I planned to sleep for at least 12 Hours,
So I'll be with her for at least half a day,
And when I wake up, I'll buy her flowers,
Go to her tombstone, kneel down and pray.

@magic cliff
@next flume
@woeful dew
@magic cove

@stuck aurora
@south lagoon
@rare dawn
@agile cipher
@rare dawn

@sick saffron
@jovial pawn
@ionic verge
@slate chasm
@nimble cedar

@tardy crypt @silver lantern
@edgy spindle
@reef blade
@whole eagle

@urban saddle
@rare dawn
@civic stag
@wintry trout

[viral elbow]

Bro finally used #1040728773127061514 ! Outstanding move! Lemme read this!

[rare dawn]

@tulip scarab
@proper crane
@devout saddle

@solid elk
@indigo mulch
@fossil sequoia
@rapid jungle
@slate loom

@terse blaze
@rare dawn
@cedar meteor
@vocal arch

@torpid dust

[viral elbow]

Ok that second stanza slaps

[rare dawn]

@broken saffron

[viral elbow]

First stanza needs work imo. For example I felt the first line took too long to confidently decipher. Ex, are you “shouting at her, she was not shouting back”, “at ‘her not shouting back’” or “at her (I was not shouting back)”

Punctuation could clarify that a bit.
I am also a bit skeptical of some of the line end commas in that stanza

While the second stanza is great, I do think it doesn’t quite stand alone- and I do think the first stanza is doing a lot for it

[rare dawn]

Thanks for the suggestion man! 💜

Thanks man! ❤️

[magic cliff]

omg wow this is structured SO interestingly it's almost like you've taken an outside-inside kind of approach where stanza 1 is a sort of mundane surface level idea and then stanza 2 just gives it that VOLUME and really makes sense and impact of the former, i love ❤️

[rare dawn]

Thanks! 💜

[cedar meteor]

This poem is so successful in painting that sad, emotional picture. Especially
"I planned to sleep for at least 12 Hours,
So I'll be with her for at least half a day,"
That's gotta hurt

[rare dawn]

Thanks! 💚

[magic cove]

I may witness your future with great curiosity.

[rare dawn]

Thanks! 🖤

[magic cove]

Give me a black heart.

[rare dawn]

ok

[magic cove]

*pats on the back