#Serial Loneliness

49 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

daring hound
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A tuft of evening wind
Dancing in my scattered hair
In my life you dance and haunt
Often I catch your eyes
White and which forever glistens
Your creepy smile, an endless taunt
I wish to capture you more
Before the fall, you...
A hand to hold and ear to listen
My own loving therapist
Never apart, how I felt supported..
Endless love, and eternal hugs
We wanted all of each others time
Though your ghost, I expected not
Now alone I flip the dime
I call heads, and no one gets tails
So I flip again, losing my own head
This silent bracket, and gap before my funeral
These lonely years, all in serial
Stacked up, down, and all around
This lonely road without sound

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@arctic cave @paper latch @proven sparrow @long grove @short turtle

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@cyan spear @sharp reef @peak wasp @paper latch @paper latch

proven sparrow
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YOOO A MORZONE POEM

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"A hand to hold and ear to listen" i believe you meant "an" instead of and

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i do think this poem could benefit in more enriching imagery to fully enrapture and encapsulate the audience of a feeling of loneliness

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for example the wind in the first two lines, what could this mean? what does the evening wind have to do with the overall message? are you alone as you feel the wind blowing through (u use the word in, which is a bit off putting for some readers such as myself) ur hair? how do you feel? sad? empty? discontent? make the wind one of your central themes, have it flow through your poetry to guide the reader in your story of discovery and isolation

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you mentioned ghosts, lets look deeper, what could ghosts mean? ghosts may mean something once there now lost but still present in an impartial, fleeting form or a collection of memories and experiences that were once so real but now dead. explore memories of this "ghost" or go into depth about how you felt after this once "endless love and eternal hugs" get into that nitty gritty

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what i do like are the unique metaphors and representations of intense connection and incompleteness associated to loss or seperation/disattachment

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i like how you used things that are evident and can be felt but u cannot see (the wind, taunting, haunting, ghost, etc) to represent grief and disconnection, things you cannot physically see or physically point out, but theyre so powerful that they can be felt)

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i do believe, although this is free verse, you could benefit from some structure. im not suggesting rhyme, im suggesting more rhythm. where do you want pauses in your work to provide ponder or dramatic effect? where could you benefit from seperation or connection of two lines? how can this feel less like a person talking, and more like someone giving a presentation?
to that last question, if you want to make it seem like someones talking, structure it in a way that is less formal, make it casual yet equally raw in its message and delivery. you use a lot of imagery and metaphors and comma seperation, like someone presenting a very heavy topic. if you wanna take that route, make it easily digestible but still engaging and compelling. to me, theres a lot of filler and some words i would personally not include for the sake of clarity and delivery.
for example, Never apart, how I felt supported.. could be Never apart, I felt supported.. or Though your ghost, I expected not may be Now with your ghost, unexpectedly

daring hound
proven sparrow
daring hound
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I CAN'T POSSIBLY REPLY TO THIS IN A SHORT TIME WHICH IS WHY I HOPED MY POST MIGHT EXPLAIN A BIT MORE ABOUT WHAT AND WHY I WROTE THIS

proven sparrow
daring hound
paper latch
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Morzone- I positively love your work, and I’m a bit nervous to add feedback as musical note here has graced the floor, but I love it. I think it’s stunning and delicate, and it makes the reader feel a little bit…hm. I don’t know- nostalgia but with a lot more yearning. For me it was like someone threw a pebble into my chest and it rocked against my heart- reading this yknow. Anyways- gorgeous work Morzone. I love it ☀️

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@daring hound

proven sparrow
paper latch
peak wasp
proven sparrow
peak wasp
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🤨

proven sparrow
proven sparrow
peak wasp
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I came here to read the poem 🧐

proven sparrow
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slash gen-uh

peak wasp
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😂

proven sparrow
peak wasp
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Oh and btw

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I just got to know @proven sparrow you can critique too 😒

proven sparrow
peak wasp
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Yeah yeah

proven sparrow
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sorry princess 🙄 didnt know u were infected w the sassy man apocalypse

peak wasp
peak wasp
# daring hound A tuft of evening wind Dancing in my scattered hair In my life you dance and hau...

A tuft of evening wind

Dancing through my scattered hair

In my life, you dance and haunt

Often, I catch your glistening eyes

White and forever gleaming
Your creepy smile, an endless taunt

I wish to capture you more

Before the fall, you...

A hand to hold, an ear to listen

My own loving therapist

Never apart, how I felt supported

Endless love, and eternal hugs

We wanted all of each other's time

Though your ghost, I expected not

Now alone I flip the dime

I call heads, and no one gets tails

So I flip again, losing my own head

This silent bracket, and gap before my funeral

These lonely years, all in serial

Stacked up, down, and all around

This lonely road without sound

Hope this helps 😊

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Now alone I flip the dime
I call heads, and no one gets tails
So I flip again, losing my own head those are my fav lines 👍

paper latch
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@finite heron example of one of morzone's absolute bangers

daring hound
paper latch
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ill like anything you post?

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🙄