#Not sure

16 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

broken arrow
#

What hath brought thee hither, to inquire of my state so sudden?
Or is it that thou comest with questions of old, once more to burden?
Art thou as thou once were, in days now long past?
I fare well; prithee, how dost thou last?

Doth thy mischievous brother still find mischief anew?
Doth thy mother still favor him, and thee too?
Hast thou ventured forth by chance to converse, as of yore?
In thy wrath, dost thou consume more than before?

Doth the passion for dance in thee yet reside?
Doth thy conscience o'er sins committed still chide?
Dost thou still weep o'er that boy, remembering his face?
Dost thou sleep only after watching Annabella’s embrace?

Dost thou savor still that place’s samosa with delight?
Dost thou still fetch thy brother from school each night?
One question only have I, prithee, art thou still the same?
I fare well; pray tell, how dost thou remain?

Speak not of love unfulfilled, for such is the custom, is it not?
Doth thy former love still at college his presence allot?
Doth my absence ever sting thee, if but a bit?
Dost thou still seek another’s help to tie thy laces fit?

Dost thou still need each matter explained as to a child?
Is a companion’s presence still thy need, reconciled?
Forget these idle prattlings, for what worth have they?
I fare well; prithee, how dost thou this day?

hallow tapir
#

ah it's in elizabethan english

#

seems beautiful, give me a minute to read it

#

i love how archaic it is

#

really good work hearthands

#

how long did it take for you to compose this?

broken arrow
#

I wasn't writing in a hurry

#

About 10 drafts

meager bobcat
# broken arrow What hath brought thee hither, to inquire of my state so sudden? Or is it that t...

Oh, so you are trying to create a classic poetic atmosphere. This can be effective in setting a tone of nostalgia or maybe formality.
Your piece occasionally follows a rhyme scheme (which is fine) but it's inconsistent. Some lines have a rhythm that flows well, while others feel forced to fit the rhyme scheme, which is disrupting your poem's readability. Your poem addresses a series of questions directed at an unspecified person, faintly touching on various aspects of their life & emotions ! However, the transitions between questions/subjects feel a bit abrupt. You have attempted to create vivid imagery & tried exploring emotional depth, such as reminiscing about past loves or specific memories like eating samosas but it’s like you have barely touched them and then went to a different thing (emotion). Your poem also seems to struggle with maintaining a consistent voice or perspective. For example- at times it addresses the reader directly I fare well; prithee, how dost thou last ? & at other times, it seems to describe actions or events in third person Doth thy mischievous brother... (idk about your intentions here but it’s not seem to be working in narrative’s favour here)
while your poem shows ambition in its attempt to capture a classical style & exploring introspective themes, but you need more control on narrative not just the style.
Hope this helps. 😊

broken arrow
hazy rootBOT
#

*No one has ever

gave me such an amazing

mind blowing feedback*

meager bobcat
broken arrow
#

@meager bobcat can I dm you?

#

I want to sell you a pen