#My soulmate

12 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

viscid wigeon
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not finished

just wanted to see how the feedback is for it just for now

viscid wigeon
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@wet depot could you give me your feedback on this?

wet depot
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sure!

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“I want to be your poem.” This is my favourite line here.

But sometimes you come up with a line, and you stop too soon. So I think this advice is needed here: deconstruct and break the logic, take it to its extreme to better communicate what you set out to do by showing instead of telling.

For example, “I want his rhymes written on my skin.” “His words heavy on my collarbone,”

This awakens the tactile sensation of being written on, immersing readers in the world of the poem. Instead of simply saying you want to be your lover’s poem, you make them feel the weight of that desire crawling on their skin.

I really like this poem, but the phrasing is sometimes passive. The advice I gave can be applied to the entire piece. It’s good to be direct at times, but there is an abundance of creativity when you revisit certain ideas multiple times.

viscid wigeon
viscid wigeon
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@wet depot

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ive taken your adive even noted it down

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ive changed it alot with new thinking of how i can go more into details

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My deepest desire,
Is just to see you smile.
A smile from you,
Makes my heart d
r
o
p,
Without you I lack breath.
I don’t want a world
Where you don’t exist.

I want to be your poem,
To be written on,
Forever engraved on my skin.
To be deeply loved by you,
Is a dream come true.
I work hard for my dream,
I’ll run forever blood sweat and tears,
If it meant I was loved by you.

You changed how I see,
No longer are my days gray.
Thanks to you I finally know,
How a rainbow looks,
With colours so warm,
Like pink and blue.
Skies so clear and free,
they remind me of you,
Not a care in the world,
Which is why I care for you.

You changed the way,
I think of love,
Made me believe,
You are the one.
Not because you looked my way,
But because you saw me a different way.

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this is just a draft but ill finish it slowly

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Made it all longer too with more details, including “blood sweat and tears” as a sort of phrase of how hard ill work

viscid wigeon