#Am I Found?

16 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

crude bridge
#

Where am I? Where is this?
I just wanted to disappear
Is this good? Is this bliss?
Nothing to be found near

The Gods have answered my prayers
All along I wanted to be gone
Am I the only one of the players
That wanted to be so done?

The music is mute and the art is sad
Eyes can't find the route while life's dead
Rhymes transformed into a cacophony
Breaking God's greatest harmony

Where am I? Where is this?
Will I ever be all that is?
Or am I just nothing in the nothingness
Purely a void in the abyss of worthiness?

Lost in the labyrinth, the maze
The loss of a soul in a gaze
Empty and dry, what am I?
Why was I ever here? Why?

And if I'm gone, will I ever be known?
Will I be found alive or just a simple bone?
Like a crow, death took me alone
Surrounded by darkness in this zone

But now, all I wanted was to disappear
To be gone and not be found here
To burn, to escape, to leave life
To run, to elope, amidst this strife

And so, was that what I really desired?
To disappear and not leave a trace
Or I just wanted to be found and admired
Be wanted and needed in a place

Loneliness been here since my birth
Leaving me alone without a worth
Even loneliness left and went away
It has led me to my downfall, astray

Is the reason to fear it my existence?
Just because I am afraid of myself
I stand here with no one in a distance
Maybe I should close my ears and be deaf

Maybe loneliness is here to help me
Is it even present or did it flee?
I am no one, a man of no value
I am an old rock, just nothing new

This world of ghosts where nothing's around
Left me dead and hopeless without a sound
Loneliness here and there kissed me goodbye
I just wanted to be found and seen from an eye

#

<@&1145760802666717234> give me your feedback and ideas

karmic mural
#

Okay i wanna start this by saying i love the poem, the picture and emotion it conveys are very apparent and well shown. Im not a hugh fan of the switiching in rhythming patterns through out the song but that's just a personal preference and it doesnt really diminish the poems awesomeness.
However, i do have a (very) few problems with the poem. Firstly, i saw you used the verb "wanted" very often throughout the poem, though repetition can be beautiful when done right, the way you used it seemed a little empty, so i recommend finding synonyms. Secondly, in the 7th verse, you said "but now" implying a present tense and still used past tense verbs throughout the verse and continued to add "was that what i really desired?" Which is also in the past tense.
In the 10th verse, just a simple grammar mistake, it shoulf be "is there a reason to fear my existence?"

#

And with the ending of the poem, when you said "the loneliness here and there kissed me goodbye" it would have been cleaner to mention its apparent inevitable return

karmic mural
crude bridge
crude bridge
zinc mauveBOT
karmic mural
crude bridge
#

Ah lemme fix it

#

Thank youu

karmic mural
karmic mural
#

And if you find yourself with some free time id appreciate if you would give me some tips on my poems

crude bridge
karmic mural
#

Oh heck yea let me link some